NEPAs Own Off-Topic Thread ( family, home, photos) (Pittston, Glenside: theatre, legally)

[rockky]

Oh, man! Have you guys touched on what is my last nerve!!

I have more of these. You see, before I retired, I was a teaching assistant in various emotional support classrooms. That means, as the teacher I was teamed with was trying to offer academics, I was attempting to remove a barking child from beneath a desk. At the same time, it was my duty to keep another student from exiting the building via the window.

My daughter teaches thrid grade. Her year is not starting well.

For the last week we have been caring for a 6yo and 4yo who have an excellent command of the English language. Somehow the word "No" and "Stop" apparently have never been a part of their verbiage....or those words have been replaced with "But" and "I want".

Of course my own children were perfect!! If you believe that, I have a fantastic bridge to Utopia I will sell you when you receive your Stimulus money that will trickle down to your bank account any day now.

And please excuse any grammatical errors or typos. I didn't do it. The computer did, and I'm stressed!!!!!!!

************************************************** ********

You Might Be a Teacher If ....

You believe the Staff Room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

You have no time for a life from August to June.

Marking all As on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for at least 5 years.

You've ever had you profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.

You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"

You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. It must be like playtime for you."

Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

[Summering]

OH Rockky that is so funny........and so true.

[rockky]

Here's more........

How Can You Tell If You Are a Real Teacher?


Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.

Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders. [i](added by Rockky....This is no joke! My urologist told me that teachers make up the largest percent of his patients.)[i]

Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.

Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.

Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.

Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.

Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.

Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.

Real teachers can "sense" gum.

Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.

Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.

Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.

Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/Staff Room. (more from Rockky.....You can leave the staff room, often located in the center of the building....no windows...no exterior doors....at the end of all the lunch breaks with an entire cake in the middle of a table. Somehow by 2:00 it completely disappears! Magic! Not bad when the school isn't named Hogwarts and there's no one named Dumbledore.)

Real teachers never plan discussions for the first of the day or cooperative groups for the end of the day, or during an evaluation.

Real teachers have the assistant principals and counselors home phone numbers.

Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school. (me again.....and cafeteria ladies)

Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.

Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable

[bloominscranton]

Originally Posted by Jungle George

Unfortunately, it's not just L.I.....

I wish I knew what happened to good old-fashioned child rearing!! My parents expected nothing less than "A's" in EVERYTHING!! I remember one time I got a B+ (the ONLY time I got less than an "A") in something & you'ld think Armageddon arrived!!! When I was a kid, if we misbehaved or slacked on our schoolwork, we got it at school & the AGAIN (and worse) when we got home!!

I've said it before, & I'll say it again....the kids nowadays need a taste of The Sisters Of The Most Vicious Blood!!!

To fing funny...

[bloominscranton]

Originally Posted by lialleycat

^^^^

I wish I knew what to do about it. Something has got to give. A nation that only cares about stuff and not about people can't survive very long.

I want to go back to a time when people put their family first, their word was their honor and they believed in hard work to earn the things they wanted.

Amen to that sister girl! You are dead on! JG, "...nails jacked up to jesus..." ROTFLMAO!

[bloominscranton]

Originally Posted by rockky

Here's more........

How Can You Tell If You Are a Real Teacher?


Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.

Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders. [i](added by Rockky....This is no joke! My urologist told me that teachers make up the largest percent of his patients.)[i]

Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.

Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.

Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.

Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.

Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.

Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.

Real teachers can "sense" gum.

Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.

Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.

Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.

Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/Staff Room. (more from Rockky.....You can leave the staff room, often located in the center of the building....no windows...no exterior doors....at the end of all the lunch breaks with an entire cake in the middle of a table. Somehow by 2:00 it completely disappears! Magic! Not bad when the school isn't named Hogwarts and there's no one named Dumbledore.)

Real teachers never plan discussions for the first of the day or cooperative groups for the end of the day, or during an evaluation.

Real teachers have the assistant principals and counselors home phone numbers.

Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school. (me again.....and cafeteria ladies)

Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.

Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable

Thanks! Lol and sweet, and that is truly awesome!

[lialleycat]

The pastor's wife was known to be very frugal, so therefore never threw anything out. Leftovers were re-made, but not discarded. One such evening after calling her husband to the table, and setting the meal before him, he immediately began to eat. Quite surprised by this, she asked him, "Aren't you going to say grace before dinner?"

He answered, "My dear, I prayed over this food at least three times. Another prayer isn't going to help it."

[krp123]

Lol

[rockky]

Just a couple more, and then I'll shut up. Anyone who has ever taught will relate to this one.

A 'True' Story................


A teacher died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed her in and said he would show her to her place in heaven. The first neighborhood was lovely. People were out on the park-like lawns, socializing, Bar-B-Q-ing, playing golf on a beautifully landscaped golf course, and having a fine time.

"Oh, this is wonderful," says the school teacher to St. Peter, "Is this where I'll be staying?"

"No, this is the doctors' area," replied St. Peter.

They continue the journey and come to another beautiful neighborhood. Again everyone is outside socializing. People are on tennis courts, swimming in pools, etc.

"My, this IS paradise," gushed the teacher, "Is this my neighborhood?"

"No, no, the teacher's area is next."

They move on among the clouds until they reach an equally beautiful neighborhood, but no one is outside. No one is visible anywhere and the houses appear to be closed and empty.

"Well, here we are," said St. Peter with a smile, "Isn't this a fine place to be?"

"Yes," replied the teacher with noticeable disappointment in her voice.

"Don't many teachers make it to heaven? I don't see anyone else here?"

"Sure, we get lots of teachers. Don't worry they'll all be here tomorrow. They're just down in hell for another in-service."

[rockky]

And....finally.....



I Am, Therefore I Teach.


Let me see if I've got this right....

I am to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I am to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, and T-shirt messages.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I am to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, and encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

I am required by my contract to be working, on my own time, summers, and evenings and at my own expense towards additional certification, advance certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class and after school I am to attend committee and faculty
meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status.

I am to collect data and maintain all records to support and document our building's progress in the selected state mandated program to "assess and upgrade educational excellence in the public schools."

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current administration.

I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web sites for appropriateness while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions to those in
authority.

I am to make sure ALL students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter, and grade card.

I am to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books (most often times purchased with my own money), a bulletin board, a 45 minute or less plan time, and a big smile on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.

I am to do all of this.................and you expect me to do it without praying?