Let's Try NEPA (house, movies, live)

[Jungle George]

I see my poll thread went to the dogs like so many others.
TBT, no need to apologize for going "off-topic"...you answered questions that were relevant to the discussion.

Let me tell y'all a story....

As most of you know, my mom was diagnosed w/terminal cancer in '05 & wanted to die at home, so I quit my job when she became bedridden that Dec. & took care of her for the next 2 1/2 years.

My mom was a bigoted & bitter lady. We had no real "relationship" & she was never taught how to show or handle her emotions. Everybody (including family & friends) tolerated her, but didn't "like" her.

But they didn't know her background or what she had on her plate.

From age 6, she was the "workhorse" of 8 kids. While her brothers & sisters were out playing (later dating & going out), she was always doing the housework, gardenwork, etc for her mother. Her 1 toy was a cloth doll w/1 leg that she played w/by herself. (think Cinderella story w/o the Prince & happy ending)

When she met my dad, he coerced her into marrying him at the courthouse, but forced her not to tell anyone & they lived seperately for 18 years. (he wanted to "get in her pants" & marriage was the only way she'd let him). Dad was a very handsome guy & a "womanizer". He had his cake & ate it.

One of his "ladies" finally called my mom & told her that "in all fairness, my dad had just left her bed". My mom confronted him & gave him the divorce option or re-marriage in a church. He chose the latter. After their church marriage, my dad had constant buddies & friends over. He loved to entertain, but mom did all the work. She was still "the workhorse". She didn't know any better.

This was her whole life...not the stuff of Hollywood movies...

Now, why do I say all this & what the hell does it have to do w/NEPA???

None of us know what the other person may be going through, what their upbringing was, what they have on their plate, or what cross they are bearing.

Do I personally think that some posters here are bigoted? Yes. But I take the time to think about how they were raised, what they might have gone through to make them that way, etc. They still are no less human than me.

Do I think some posters are emotionally charged & hypocritical? Yes. But I take the time to think about how they were raised, what they might have gone through to make them that way, etc. They still are no less human than me.

Do I think that some posters act like 2 y/o's stamping their feet? Yes. But I take the time to think about how they were raised, what they might have gone through to make them that way, etc. They still are no less human than me.

The crux of this long-winded post is that if we see a post we don't agree with or we think is "off-topic" or de-railing, let's take a minute before responding. Sit back & try to see where the response is coming from before lashing out in a reply.

Now please turn to page 256 of our Hymnal so we can join hands & sing Kumbaya.

[Magritte25]

I think you bring up very good points. Conversely, I would say that just because someone (me) disagrees with you (generally) doesn't mean I don't like you or respect you.

As a matter of fact, I can't think of one active poster here that I actively hate.

:ff to sing Kumbaya::

[okaydorothy]

Respect is a very important word. Too bad it is not really taught anymore.

Oh but it is taught in my house ; darn right it is. And that is why my ids get compliments when they keep a door open for someone, when they pick up something that someone else dropped.

it maybe oldfashioned, but it is so important. How else can we all live peacefully!!

d

[kinpa]

Jungle, while I am sorry your mom had the kind of life she had, you cant excuse bad behavior, for any reason. I think everyone here might have valid reason to be mean, bitter or bigoted, but it just doesnt give someone the right. To be a bigot is to be ignorant. You can go back 100 years and find many excuses for peoples behavior, it has to stop somewhere. You Dad probably had a valid reason somewhere in his past to excuse what he did as well.I am sure you are hurting for your Mom, it is better that people forgive her, rather than excuse her. You are a really good person to have cared for your mom.

[Jungle George]

Originally Posted by kinpa

Jungle, while I am sorry your mom had the kind of life she had, you cant excuse bad behavior, for any reason. I think everyone here might have valid reason to be mean, bitter or bigoted, but it just doesnt give someone the right. To be a bigot is to be ignorant. You can go back 100 years and find many excuses for peoples behavior, it has to stop somewhere. You Dad probably had a valid reason somewhere in his past to excuse what he did as well.I am sure you are hurting for your Mom, it is better that people forgive her, rather than excuse her. You are a really good person to have cared for your mom.

Thank you!

I didn't intend for this thread to turn into a psychological discussion (or TBT might just have to move it to the "Psychology" forum before deleting it...), but as a means of maybe opening some posters up to thinking before replying.

No, there is no excusing bad behavior, but if the CAUSE of that bad behavior is thought upon, it might lead to better understanding on both sides.

An example with my mom was when I was dating a lady years ago who was divorced. My mom refused to have a divorced woman on her property or in her house. (her strict Catholic upbringing) One day I brought the lady over w/o my mom knowing it & they became good friends.

Another example is when I had some friends from Barbados visiting. My mom was extremely prejudiced towards black people (she never lived near or worked with any her whole life). I brought my friends over to meet her & SHE LOVED THEM!! (especially when one asked if the monkeys raided her garden...big in Barbados, but not in NY...). She saw that they were the same as her except for skin, & from then on she was like a different person!!

These are just two examples of how someone's thinking pattern can expand out of the parameters of their upbringing/experiences/teachings/ etc. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!!

Synapsis: maybe we should all try more to understand each other's mindset before replying solely in anger. Anger is a counter-productive emotion, & if used w/o any tempering (pardon the pun...), just leads to re-inforcement of the negativity....

[roxxy38]

I agree with alot of what you say. I applaud you that you took time from your life and helped your mom. I can relate to what you are saying but on a different level. I understand bigotry and where it comes from. I lived with it most of my life. I dont feel I am a bigot of any source but I still might say things that might be misrepresented as stereotyping.

What I disagree with is the lack of respect from some. Sometimes people
think its the only way it should be. Sometimes I agree with a negative post but am against it because of the way its said. We all have different values unfortunatley IMO some of us say things on this forum that we wouldnt say to our friends. This happens here because there is no repercussions to what we say. And I say WE because I will admit I have said things that I should not of said.

[loveinbloom]

Originally Posted by Jungle George

I see my poll thread went to the dogs like so many others.
TBT, no need to apologize for going "off-topic"...you answered questions that were relevant to the discussion.

Let me tell y'all a story....

As most of you know, my mom was diagnosed w/terminal cancer in '05 & wanted to die at home, so I quit my job when she became bedridden that Dec. & took care of her for the next 2 1/2 years.

My mom was a bigoted & bitter lady. We had no real "relationship" & she was never taught how to show or handle her emotions. Everybody (including family & friends) tolerated her, but didn't "like" her.

But they didn't know her background or what she had on her plate.

From age 6, she was the "workhorse" of 8 kids. While her brothers & sisters were out playing (later dating & going out), she was always doing the housework, gardenwork, etc for her mother. Her 1 toy was a cloth doll w/1 leg that she played w/by herself. (think Cinderella story w/o the Prince & happy ending)

When she met my dad, he coerced her into marrying him at the courthouse, but forced her not to tell anyone & they lived seperately for 18 years. (he wanted to "get in her pants" & marriage was the only way she'd let him). Dad was a very handsome guy & a "womanizer". He had his cake & ate it.

One of his "ladies" finally called my mom & told her that "in all fairness, my dad had just left her bed". My mom confronted him & gave him the divorce option or re-marriage in a church. He chose the latter. After their church marriage, my dad had constant buddies & friends over. He loved to entertain, but mom did all the work. She was still "the workhorse". She didn't know any better.

This was her whole life...not the stuff of Hollywood movies...

Now, why do I say all this & what the hell does it have to do w/NEPA???

None of us know what the other person may be going through, what their upbringing was, what they have on their plate, or what cross they are bearing.

Do I personally think that some posters here are bigoted? Yes. But I take the time to think about how they were raised, what they might have gone through to make them that way, etc. They still are no less human than me.

Do I think some posters are emotionally charged & hypocritical? Yes. But I take the time to think about how they were raised, what they might have gone through to make them that way, etc. They still are no less human than me.

Do I think that some posters act like 2 y/o's stamping their feet? Yes. But I take the time to think about how they were raised, what they might have gone through to make them that way, etc. They still are no less human than me.

The crux of this long-winded post is that if we see a post we don't agree with or we think is "off-topic" or de-railing, let's take a minute before responding. Sit back & try to see where the response is coming from before lashing out in a reply.

Now please turn to page 256 of our Hymnal so we can join hands & sing Kumbaya.

Beautiful...thank you, BUT you do not want me to sing!

[sheena12]

Very good point, George! Especially back then. No one knows what another has been through in life and what difficult events may be the precursors of bad behavior.
With that said, people today can avail themselves of therapy in it's many forms so they do not have to make the whole world as miserable as they are.
I do agree that some people should chill out when there are disagreements on the forum. Just take a deep breath before you hit the keyboard.

[Jungle George]

Originally Posted by sheena12

Very good point, George!
I do agree that some people should chill out when there are disagreements on the forum. Just take a deep breath before you hit the keyboard.

When all else fails, there's always the "ignore" key....

[NYRangers 2008]

George, that was a very touching post. You are correct. How a person acts or feels all depends on the environment they were raised in and the people that were around when they were growing up and their current situation. We all have our personal demons and cross to bear, like you said, it all comes down to respect.