"Yes ma'am" and "Yes sir" (Lynchburg: military, to move)

[djmont]

Given that it's an anachronistic form of address for most of the country, I think your kids would be just as likely to encounter a negative reaction as a positive one. (I think you'd risk them sounding like they were being sarcastic or cheeky when in fact they were simply trying to be polite.) Your hesitation with the whole thing suggests that you're on the right track with your thinking.

However, this is sure to be one of the least important aspects of your parenting experience, so don't stress over it.

[Wallbanger]

This is what the you call a "culture shock"? Really...? Some people don't get around a lot.

[cdmurphy]

Originally Posted by borngrace

Friends from early days are still first name to my children (as the adults choice) unless the adult is someone who has always prefered to be call by their title and last name - which I think should always be honored. When the kids were little I usually asked the adult how they wished to be addressed.

I agree. Let the adult lead. There are some older people in my life whom I would never dare to call by their first name - it just wouldn't seem right - but others who would never want to be called "Mrs. Smith" or whatever. I did a double take when one of my neighbor's kids, not a stranger, called me "Mrs. Murphy."

OTOH, I was raised by example (by a Southern mom, mostly living in the South) to call most non-family/friends sir or ma'am - especially people in a superior position of power. I think that partly stems from growing up poor and spending lots of time with people who outclass you (professionals, teachers, law enforcement, etc.) I definitely learned when I waited tables back home in Georgia during college summers that I didn't get tips if I didn't crank up the "sir/ma'am" and the accent.

My mom is a big believer in catching flies with honey instead of vinegar. Part of that work is not letting people know that you think of them as flies.

[LynchburgLover]

Originally Posted by djmont

Given that it's an anachronistic form of address for most of the country, I think your kids would be just as likely to encounter a negative reaction as a positive one. (I think you'd risk them sounding like they were being sarcastic or cheeky when in fact they were simply trying to be polite.) Your hesitation with the whole thing suggests that you're on the right track with your thinking.

However, this is sure to be one of the least important aspects of your parenting experience, so don't stress over it.

I disagree that this is the "least important aspects of your parenting experience".

The morals, values and manners that you decide to pass to your children are very important. You must decide what is important to you: sticking with the traditional or going with the flow of culture.

I'm also fascinated by the different regional idiosyncrasies -- no top sheets?

Lastly, as long as we're on etiquette, the phrase I detest is "No problem" after thanking someone for service. I feel like screaming "I know it's no problem, it's your JOB!" The correct response is 'you're welcome'.

[nimchimpsky]

I hated the ma'am/sir thing until I moved to the South and realized it's used totally differently in the South. But people who haven't been South won't understand that and are likely to take it offensively. If you want to teach something yes ma'am/yes sir like that's not actually using ma'am/sir which can be potentially offensive, you can always go for the yes Mr. ___/Ms. ___ solution. Some people don't like to be called Mr. or Ms. (myself included) but it's not nearly as risky as the ma'am thing and even though people don't always like it they're not likely to be outwardly offended by it the way they might be getting a sir/ma'am. For a lot of Northerners and even mid-Atlantic folks, the ma'am/sir thing still has connotations of slavery times even though that's totally NOT what it connotes in the South. So give the Mr./Ms. thing a shot and see how that goes. And of course you can also teach your children to mirror the people they're around. If they're ma'am/sir people then they can use it too, and if not, then they can just use yes and no.

[djmont]

Originally Posted by LynchburgLover

I disagree that this is the "least important aspects of your parenting experience".

The morals, values and manners that you decide to pass to your children are very important. You must decide what is important to you: sticking with the traditional or going with the flow of culture.

Please note that I actually said it is one of the least important aspects.

Conflating whether or not a child address an elder as "Mr. Tom," "Mr. Murphy" or "Sir" as the teaching of morals and values is a stretch.

We're talking vernacular here -- not morals.

[tgbwc]

Originally Posted by CaliTerp07

Ugh...I can't stand it when someone calls me "ma'am". It makes me feel like I'm 75 years old. I grew up in southern California and was a very polite child (and I think I'm a pretty polite adult now!), but I never said ma'am or sir--it was always "yes, please" or "no, thank you".

I know it's their job and they're doing it to be polite, but I haaaaate when the grocery store checkers ask, "Would you like help to your car, ma'am?" Then I feel like I look old AND decrepit!

Like you, my wife (from PA) does not like to be called "ma'am". My mother (from OH) doesn't like it either. Not exactly the same, but I remember my brother and I calling my mom "momma" once when I we were little kids. We were being a little annoying with it saying, "Momma...momma". Boy, did she go off on us for that! I've had a few children in school say "yes sir" and that doesn't bother me at all. I expect my own son to say "yes" instead of "uh huh" and "yes please"...

[nimchimpsky]

Originally Posted by djmont

Given that it's an anachronistic form of address for most of the country, I think your kids would be just as likely to encounter a negative reaction as a positive one. (I think you'd risk them sounding like they were being sarcastic or cheeky when in fact they were simply trying to be polite.) Your hesitation with the whole thing suggests that you're on the right track with your thinking.

However, this is sure to be one of the least important aspects of your parenting experience, so don't stress over it.

It might also seem like a red flag to some people. For example, in D.C. where it's not used so much, if someone called me ma'am/sir (I get called both genders) without a really obviously Southern or military background, I would wonder if I was being too bossy or with kids, if I was being too cold and authoritarian. So I'd be worried about if I was doing something wrong if I got sir/ma'am treatment from a Northerner.

I wouldn't take offense to it now, though, but I can only say that now because I've lived in the South where they were just natural tags on the end of yes and no in many situations. I still hear a lot of miss/sir usage (notice the miss and not ma'am) up North in customer service interactions, but up North it tends to be one-way whereas down South it tends to be a two-way usage.

It does get annoying to me when people overdo it though. There was this one guy that every time my mom said something would say "yes ma'am" not once but like three or four times in a row. Lol I felt like all I could hear come out of his mouth was ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am...

[robbobobbo]

Originally Posted by LynchburgLover

Lastly, as long as we're on etiquette, the phrase I detest is "No problem" after thanking someone for service. I feel like screaming "I know it's no problem, it's your JOB!" The correct response is 'you're welcome'.

Several other languages use the equivalent of "it's nothing", "don't think of it", "think nothing of it", or "no problem" meant as a humble response to thanks.

de rein (of nothing)
de nada (of nothing)
kein Problem (no problem)

Language has many utterances that aren't meant to taken absolutely literally.

Perhaps the use of "no problem" in English is a result of language borrowing.

[Caladium]

Whatever phrase you choose, so much is interpreted from tone of voice. If you want to teach children to express respect, teach them to be aware of their tone of voice. You can use all sorts of words and convey respect if your tone is respectful. That's a very handy skill to give a child.

I think cdmurphy hit the nail on the head. Using respectful phrases is not about being "less than." I like how you put it, you catch more flies with honey, and you catch even more if you don't let people know you think of them as flies.