Neighbors and understanding cultural differences (date, year)

[CaliTerp07]

Originally Posted by Darkseid

The point that I was making is that some people have had friends for a long time and have developed very strong bonds with them to the point they are like family and do not need new friends.

I don't doubt that for some people that's true, but in an area as transient as this (which you state later on), it's got to be the exception to the rule.

OP, I have never been friends with my neighbors here. I've lived in 3 different NoVA neighborhoods as well as an apartment, and while I'll smile and wave to the people in passing, I've never said more than "hi" to any of them anywhere. People are just busy here.

My friends are all either coworkers (past/present) or friends from church. Joining a church was the best possible thing I could have done for my social life--tons of friendly, like minded individuals of all walks of life.

[Darkseid]

Originally Posted by CaliTerp07

I don't doubt that for some people that's true, but in an area as transient as this (which you state later on), it's got to be the exception to the rule.

I understand what you are saying, but people like me tend to look at it like this: "I will be a very good neighbor by smiling, waving and by not being a pest". That is especially the case with people that are only in a neighborhood for a couple of years. Some people figure why put a lot in getting to know the neighbors when they (or I) will be gone soon anyway? For people in the neighborhood for the longer term, there may be a fear of things getting hostile because of political views (especially in these times) or some other issue so they figure it is better to keep it at the "smile and wave" phase and doing some light socializing during the 4th of July or Christmas.

Let repeat that I have a lot of acquaintances - of many ethnicities and groups - that I am friendly with and even meet for lunch/dinner with from time to time. But is doesn't go much deep than that. My standard for the term "friendship" is pretty high.

[vauser]

Originally Posted by Darkseid

I understand what you are saying, but people like me tend to look at it like this: "I will be a very good neighbor by smiling, waving and by not being a pest". That is especially the case with people that are only in a neighborhood for a couple of years. Some people figure why put a lot in getting to know the neighbors when they (or I) will be gone soon anyway? For people in the neighborhood for the longer term, there may be a fear of things getting hostile because of political views (especially in these times) or some other issue so they figure it is better to keep it at the "smile and wave" phase and doing some light socializing during the 4th of July or Christmas.

Let repeat that I have a lot of acquaintances - of many ethnicities and groups - that I am friendly with and even meet for lunch/dinner with from time to time. But is doesn't go much deep than that. My standard for the term "friendship" is pretty high.

"Let repeat that I have a lot of acquaintances - of many ethnicities and groups - that I am friendly with and even meet for lunch/dinner with from time to time. But is doesn't go much deep than that. My standard for the term "friendship" is pretty high."

You stole the words out of my mouth. EXACTLY, how I feel. I think the reasons are becoming more apparent -

* People have family where they live (our family is ALL back home).
* People have friends from school and college (school for me was 10K+ miles away, College was a few thousand miles away as well).
* People are all different, obviously. Some like it private, some love company ALL the time (I fall in the latter category).
* I've realized people are less inclined to host than to be hosted. We've had success in inviting a lot of people home for games and dinner and what not, repeatedly. They show up almost everytime we invite, EXCEPT that there is no reciprocation whatsoever. This might come down to time, money and effort involved in entertaining people.

So, I should have conservative thoughts of expanding the social circle particularly driven by the neighborhood. Looks like that would be the best thing to do.

Yeah, I would rather not have free cookies if that is where the relationship ends!

[OrangeFish]

Originally Posted by vauser

I think the reasons are becoming more apparent -

* People have family where they live (our family is ALL back home).

Same here, and for many other families in metro DC region. Some of us consider this a blessing, however.

Originally Posted by vauser

* People have friends from school and college (school for me was 10K+ miles away, College was a few thousand miles away as well).

Again -- same here, and for many other families in metro DC region. (Both my spouse and I have grad degrees from metro DC institutions but our grad school buddies have moved away.)

Originally Posted by vauser

* People are all different, obviously. Some like it private, some love company ALL the time (I fall in the latter category).

And some are just plain busy. As an example, I spent both days of this weekend focused on kids' activities, and barely saw my spouse. When I got home yesterday afternoon at 4:30 p.m., I wanted peace and quiet and did not want to entertain or be entertained. (I did socialize with the other parents at the kids' activities, though.)

Originally Posted by vauser

* I've realized people are less inclined to host than to be hosted. We've had success in inviting a lot of people home for games and dinner and what not, repeatedly. They show up almost everytime we invite, EXCEPT that there is no reciprocation whatsoever. This might come down to time, money and effort involved in entertaining people.

Or energy that is remaining after all the other stuff gets done!

[Darkseid]

Co-sign to what 'Orangefish' said above

@ vauser

Don't take it personally if people are not as open as you would hope. Just take things as they come and let relationships develop naturally. Many of us are very busy and/or very private.

[Alltheusernamesaretaken]

Originally Posted by Darkseid

"I will be a very good neighbor by smiling, waving and by not being a pest".

Well worded!

[RusUs]

Vauser,
I am also from another country and have been living in the US for ~ 15 years. While I am well adjusted here by now (thanks to my American husband!) and I do love my new home, sometimes I still feel like a stranger here due to some cultural differences. Like you, we also invite people inside our homes. I understand safety issue mentioned here, but in my culture it would be not polite to keep a person outside your home, while talking to them. I also have many acquaintances here: Americans and from other nationalities, but not many friends. Many of us, who came here in "mature age", left our friends, families there – people that we knew from childhood, schools, and work. Therefore our main difficulty here is to meet new people with whom we click with, build relations from scratch and then maintain it. This may take years and efforts from both sides. I meet people in various places, i.e. web (forums, meetup), work, parties, via other acquaintances and friends. Earlier here I would even start a conversation with a stranger in a store, if I heard my language but not anymore I also noticed that throughout years, friendship does change. People overall change and someone may want more time with friends while other may be happy to be alone. Or people who became parents, now have other priorities and mainly socialize with other parents based on their childrens’ activities. So friendship is not easy, but can be done. Good luck!

South Jersey Styx, you wrote and summarized it very well.

[Doppelganger69]

Vauser, I hope you come live by me! It sounds like you'd be a great neighbor, and I'd be happy if you invited me over, especially if you served homemade Indian food, which I love.

Your son may be almost as good as a dog for meeting new people. I find that often it's easiest to socialize outside with the neighbors while the kids run around and play outside. We often have long chats while monitoring the turn-taking with the toys and all that. Sometimes that morphs into an inside visit, but often it just stays outside, I think in part because it's easiest to manage the kids that way. Also, like someone said, my house is usually too messy to invite people over spontaneously.

[vauser]

Originally Posted by Doppelganger69

Vauser, I hope you come live by me! It sounds like you'd be a great neighbor, and I'd be happy if you invited me over, especially if you served homemade Indian food, which I love.

Your son may be almost as good as a dog for meeting new people. I find that often it's easiest to socialize outside with the neighbors while the kids run around and play outside. We often have long chats while monitoring the turn-taking with the toys and all that. Sometimes that morphs into an inside visit, but often it just stays outside, I think in part because it's easiest to manage the kids that way. Also, like someone said, my house is usually too messy to invite people over spontaneously.

You are most welcome! Yeah, a lot of our friends seem to make other friends (or, acquaintances) mainly based on their kids and pets. The truth of the matter is - it isn't the same as one is in School or College. It is SO easy to meet like minded people and hang out. Once you are married and have children, it certainly takes an effort.

My son loves people more than I do, and I love people more than I can explain (just don't fancy pets, of ANY kind!), my wife is a tad reserved but she is more than happy to entertain people as well. We don't expect to be reciprocated but sometimes, it would be nice to be called over for dinner as opposed to always doing the inviting!

Doesn't help that ALL family is 1000s of miles away. And I guess, there are times we miss them a whole lot but ain't sacrifice an essential part of life? It is easier to not migrate than to migrate and return back home for sure, as you tend to change over the years and while you can go back home, you might never *be home*.

Perhaps, a new neighborhood that is less transient might make more difference than where we are at now (very transient).

[krishnat]

join Meetup.com and/or adult recreational sports groups. Every County has some kind of Adult Casual/Recreational organized sports groups. Check them out. If you don't play sports - then look for Community Activity Groups - like Running/Walking, Cultural Groups, Volunteer Events/Groups. That's the best way to meet people and make friends.

PS: Don't sign up for too many things at once, it might get overwhelming. I did that mistake, and my social calender got so full that i had to turn people down.