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Old 07-02-2013, 03:10 PM
1 posts, read 1,570 times
Reputation: 10


My husband is in the military and we have been in Virginia for almost 4 years now. Been married almost 20 years. I have 3 kids--one with special needs-- and I am a stay at home mom. I think my marriage is on the path towards divorce and I'm trying to understand the whole process and what I could likely expect along the way. Fwiw, my husband is the one who gave me the, "I'm not happy anymore speech." He didn't say the words divorce, but he alluded that his happiness is important and things better change...all just before he deployed.

My world for better part of last year was wrapped up in my child who has autism while he was bottoming out in his world. Things have turned around for him now with lots in intervention, but my husband holds all that time I didn't give him against me. He says he felt neglected by me. Fwiw, he's about 35lbs overweight, drinks a brewski about every night (when he was here), and will often make jabs about me sneaking away to the gym for an hour to work off my stress (while the kids are at school). I'm not perfect, and I didn't let myself slide--I stayed in shape and I will admit I have a lot of room to improve my life. He would likely complain that I'm too stressed out and that I should have more "fun" in my life. I had some serious life issues thrown my way and I didn't know how to turn any of those moments into fun. He complains that I only have healthy food in the house and that I'm too extreme with my diet and why does the rest of the family have to eat my food. (no real diet, just no junk but an occasional box of gourmet ice cream as a nice treat.) Yeah, he complains about the food and my "diet" for real.

My friends have told me I ought to go see a divorce atty for a consult but I don't even know what I'd ask and I think I would just cry the whole time. I agree that we have issues to work on but I can't make him do that and I believe that my husband thinks I am the sole reason for his unhappiness. Can anyone here who has been through a divorce in Virginia give me any advice based on my situation? Thanks.
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Old 07-02-2013, 03:27 PM
Location: Ormond Beach, FL
1,359 posts, read 1,399,909 times
Reputation: 1247
Divorce in Virginia takes at least one year when you have kids. If you don't have a separation agreement the court will decide what happens with the kids. When you separate, you will be expected to work, regardless of whether you are currently stay at home now or not. If your husband gets control of the kids, you will be required to pay child support whether you work or not. I believe the minimum support is $104 per child. If you separate and control 3 kids, plan on getting $312 a month from your husband.

You can go to a mediator and make any deal you want, no matter how good or how bad and the judge will approve it. Good luck.
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Old 07-02-2013, 03:33 PM
Location: Alexandria, VA
11,419 posts, read 20,287,954 times
Reputation: 16495
OP, I'm sure you want to vent but this isn't the appropriate forum
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Old 07-02-2013, 07:28 PM
4,044 posts, read 4,859,887 times
Reputation: 10640
It would be worthwhile to invest an hour in a consult with a divorce attorney. Because of the amount of military families in this area, the experienced ones are familiar with what you can expect in terms of how being a military spouse affects the whole process -- insurance coverage, custody/visitation issues, etc. In the interim, if you don't want to go through with meeting a divorce attorney just now, contact a base chaplain to see what sort of support groups are available in the area. He or she should have a list of groups that may include groups like military families with autistic children, for example.
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:12 AM
1,332 posts, read 2,701,430 times
Reputation: 1023
I agree with Weezy - do all of that. I also agree this isn't the right forum. That said remember since you have been married for more that 10 years you are entitled to a portion of his retirement, you are also covered by Tricare for rest of your life unless you remarry. Good luck.

On a personal note - don't let his depression/anger whatever it is rub off. This is his problem, keep going to the gym, eating right and destressing in positive ways. Tell him to get his fat beer drinking butt of the couch and go for a walk. It can do wonders.
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:26 AM
367 posts, read 763,988 times
Reputation: 167
Get that child support and alimony! He will be living with roomates by the time this is all said and done. Don't sweat it whats done is done, once seperated, make sure he is the one to leave the house file for your child support and alimony, since you stayed home with children you will get alimony for many years, my mother is on year 8 of recieving and lets just say she get the same amount in alimony as she get in child support. SAHM is a job too and the courts look at that, after you get your funds looks for cheap housing or hell move where you have always wanted to live, then look into working PT to save some cash while you are racking in the alimony. Good luck don't let the military part scare you, also if there are problems aren't you able to go and speak with someone on base?
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:41 AM
Location: Chester County, PA
1,077 posts, read 1,436,295 times
Reputation: 1033
If you have fully made the decision to get a divorce, I think most people are going to tell you that you need to consult with a divorce attorney. I wouldn't worry about crying in front of the attorney - divorce attorneys have seen it all and will not be surprised in the least. The job of an attorney is to represent his or her client and advocate on their clients's behalf - when divorce occurs, each party has legal rights and obligations, and the attorney will be able to guide you through that process. Particularly if you have assets of any kind or the custody and care of children is at stake, you will not want to go through a divorce without legal representation.

On a more personal note, your post sounds like you are going through a very difficult time. When I have faced some difficult times in my own marriage, I have used a licensed marriage and family therapist to help me sort through things I was going through. Whether you have fully decided to get a divorce or are wavering as to whether your marriage can/should be saved, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist or mental health professional of some sort - a good one is worth their weight in gold when faced with difficult times in life. I realize this is unsolicited advice, so please feel free to ignore.
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Old 07-03-2013, 07:27 AM
157 posts, read 257,308 times
Reputation: 298
Apparently, I was married to your husband's twin - now my ex-husband.

I've walked in your shoes. Feel free to contact me via PM.
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:34 AM
Location: Richmond, VA
2,707 posts, read 4,659,002 times
Reputation: 4394
Originally Posted by slduvall View Post
That said remember since you have been married for more that 10 years you are entitled to a portion of his retirement
Completely wrong. The 10 year rule means the court can use the pension as marital property, NOT that she is ENTITLED. That is a huge misconception.

In my opinion, she IS entitled to a *very* large chunk of it based on the circumstances-but that's an opinion, not the law. A judge can determine she gets 0, 50%, 100%, whatever, since it's marital property.
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Old 07-03-2013, 12:26 PM
2,675 posts, read 4,540,278 times
Reputation: 2131
I believe that Social Security has a rule that entitles ex-spouses to a portion of their former spouse's benefits after 10 years of marriage.
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