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Old 12-18-2009, 12:08 PM
 
4,867 posts, read 3,212,809 times
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shy

I know I'm just a new member so far, but a rather serious question I was hoping I could please ask the advice of the NOVA experts on: does anyone have any suggestions or tips on where the best local places for a straight male who is also love-shy might be, in terms of trying to meet nice, caring girls ages 25-30...who are looking for a non-casual relationship? (I've repeatedly tried pubs, churches, bible study groups, dance clubs, local online dating, even the expensive types of local brick-and-mortar dating agencies, with 0% success in finding the kind of girl I was looking for.)

I'm quite serious, and not joking in any way here. At 30, I'm college-educated and have been working in the D.C. federal sector for over 8 years, have dated local girls before, during, and after college, but due to being love-shy, more introverted than extroverted (but still a nice person), and having 0% relationships experience, I have never been in an actual relationship with a girl ever. I'm 100% straight (not gay). Female friends and family are unwilling to help me. I've been told before by many people that I'm a very nice person, and I'm not bad-looking -- have been rated an 8 out of 10 on a 10 point scale before, but even that hasn't helped me.

Other than bars, clubbing, and church (which have all been universally unsuccessful for me), where in NOVA can a guy go to try to meet the elusive "nice girl" type...basically the kind that you'd like to bring home Mom and Dad?
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Expatriate Philadelphian in Northern Virginia
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What kind of interests do you have? Which ones might be considered "co-ed"? You may be able to find like-minded acquaintances in a related local social group; Meetup would be a good website to start looking from there.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Everywhere and Nowhere
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What do you mean exactly by "love-shy"?
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:29 PM
 
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How have you dated local girls but never been in a relationship before? I don't get it.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Everywhere and Nowhere
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Most women don't really care for introverts. At least the ones I know.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CAVA1990 View Post
What do you mean exactly by "love-shy"?
According to the excerpts from the associated page on wikipedia:

Quote:
Love shyness is a phrase created by psychologist Brian G. Gilmartin to describe a specific type of severe chronic shyness. According to his definition, published in Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatments (1987), love-shy people find it difficult if not impossible to be assertive in informal situations involving potential romantic...partners. For example, a heterosexual love-shy male will have trouble initiating conversations with women because of strong feelings of anxiety.
In his book, Gilmartin estimates that love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5% of American males and will prevent about 1.7 million U.S. males from ever marrying[.]
Quote:
Gilmartin had seven criteria for each "love-shy man" he included in his study:
  • He is a virgin.
  • He rarely goes out socially with women more than just friends.
  • He has no history of any emotionally close, meaningful relationships of a romantic...nature with any member of the opposite sex.
  • He has suffered and is continuing to suffer emotionally because of a lack of meaningful female companionship.
  • He becomes extremely anxiety-ridden over so much as the mere thought of asserting himself vis-a-vis a woman in a casual, friendly way.
  • He is strictly heterosexual in his romantic and erotic orientations.
Quote:
Most of the love-shy men, but none of the non-shy men, reported never having any friends; not even acquaintances. The vast majority of love-shy men reported being bullied by children their own age due to their inhibitions and interests, while none of the non-shy men did, and love-shy men were less likely to fight back against bullies. Around half of the love-shy men reported being bullied or harassed as late as high school, while none of the non-shy men did. Even as adults, the love-shy men reported remaining friendless and abused by other people. This lack of acceptance by others caused the love-shy men to feel excessively lonely and depressed. However, this also caused the men not to want anything to do with same-sex individuals.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:49 PM
 
4,867 posts, read 3,212,809 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tone509 View Post
What kind of interests do you have? Which ones might be considered "co-ed"? You may be able to find like-minded acquaintances in a related local social group; Meetup would be a good website to start looking from there.
That's a great idea, thanks Tone509! I will be sure to check out the recommended site.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Everywhere and Nowhere
14,141 posts, read 16,290,444 times
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You might start by referring to them as "women" instead of "girls".
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Virginia
18,717 posts, read 15,425,697 times
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Have you considered toastmasters? It's a group to help people develop public speaking skills and appeals to a lot of shy people. Between the speeches and table topics you tend to learn a lot about each other, so it would give you common ground when talking to the single girls during a break. I've been to a few, and it's fun. A lot of the speeches are funny, so it's like going to a comedy club at times. Just so you know, though, some of groups seem to have mostly married people, others have quite a few singles (so if you hit the wrong group, ask one of the other members which one would be a better choice).

Other than that I really think church groups, volunteering, and taking classes are the best way for shy people to meet dates. Focusing on the shared activity will help you get past the shyness.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:54 PM
 
4,867 posts, read 3,212,809 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemesis16 View Post
How have you dated local girls but never been in a relationship before? I don't get it.
100% rejection rate after the first or second date. All girls I dated except only 2 ended up being single dates, because the girls were either uninterested, didn't respond to attempts at further contact, or wanted to "just be friends". The 2 dates that did end up in a second date never resulted in a third. Ultimately, none of the girls I dated ended up willing to try to give me a serious chance at a relationship with them.
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