[EarthBound?]

Ok, my Okie friends now that the dust has settled a bit from mine and Bjb12's travels to N. Carolina, I feel I need to explain everything, like I said I would.
I'm referring to LadyRobyn, Synopsis, Redbird, Schousse, Goodpasture, Karibear, Mk, Colleen47 and a few others, you know who you are . Outsiders need not reply to this thread, please just my Okie friends that I always chat with.

Back last March with the help of a special person (LadyRobyn), she and my wonderful wife Bjb123, they were able to find my lost daughter after 21 years.
Her mother and I devorced just after she was born, and to keep the peace and to keep my daughter from being exposed to a state to state emotional battle between her mother and I. I, with much sarrow and pain and now regrets, gave her mother full custody. But, I did try to keep in touch with my ex-wife and baby as much as I could. My ex's family did a great job at playing telephone interception and keeping me from talking to her. Four generations of weman lived in the same house, great grandma, grandma, duaghters mom and sister and my daughter. (I had no chance of winning this battle). After quite some time I ended losing all contact and trace of her and her mother since she had devorced and remarried two more times. And please do understand, I have been trying to find her for years, but didn't know how to go about it. Her mom came from a broken family herself, he left for good reasons too.
Well since March until November 15th I was talking regularlly to my daughter over the phone and via e-mail. And not even knowing very well, I sent her money once, thinking that it was to help her out with her schooling and then again for her birthday. Thats another story in its self .
November, Bjb123 and I finally got the time to take the trip to see my baby, my hopes were to high I see now. After just a couple of days and only getting to see her twice, she left me a letter at the hotel front desk. Basically in this note she was telling me off, and to never contact her again.
But during our visits, we (Bjb123 and I) were able to piece a few things together from what my daughter has said and her actions.

1) She had bragged about money that she was getting from her step-father that he wasn't giving to his own children.

2) Her step bothers and sisters hated her for everything that she was getting and not them, and was laughing about it.

3) When her grandfather and I bother said no to giving her money so she and her boyfriend could go to the NC state fair. She told me, Thats alright momma gave me the money and told me "You know you can always depend on your momma not others". I guess her granfather told her, "your a grown woman, you need to go to work and take care of youself".

4) Is 21 yrs old and had not worked since she was 18yrs old when she had gotten in trouble with the law for stealing from the store where she was working.

5) Is still on her step-fathers medical insurance, even though she's not a student and is 21 yrs old.

6) Tried to bum money off me, so she and her boyfriend could go bowling that Saturday nite, when I ashed her boyfriend about not having money he replied, "I have Money".. And she had a matching bowling ball, bag and shoes, that she told us her momma paid for, because she wanted them.

7) The friday that I was hoping to spend some time with her to get to know her, her momma took her shopping all day, and saturday evening she was sporting a new matching purse and pocket book, and a new pair of what Bjb123 said were very expensive boots.

8) She also had a new lap top computer that her step-daddy bought for her.

9) Her 2007 chevy empala was paid for by, Guess who? And from time to time on the phone she had told me that her momma was paying for the insurance.

10) Her boyfriend worked full-time up to about 40 to 50 hr work weeks to pay the bills. And she flat out told me that when he gets off work she makes him take her out to dinner, like her momma does to her husband, because like her momma, "She dosen't cook". But yet she still didn't work outside the home.

11) Even her boyfriend (great kid, I liked him ) made the coment to Bjb123 and I, that she had a bad habit of "stretching the truth.

12) Her boyfriend told us a story, that her step-daddy and her own mom tried to bribe her with a set of $400.00 car speakers, if she would leave her boyfriend and come home.

Now there are many many other thing I could go on about, but I won't, I don't want to bore you anymore. But I will say this, I'm going to send her Christmas cards, Birthday Cards and others. And if she dosn't reply, well thats Ok with me, I'll still send them, (but no money will be sent).

I had to fill this gap in my life thats been there for so many years and I feel that my spiritual quest is over. The rest is now up to her when she finally grows up and cuts the apron string from her mother and is allowed to mature as a responsible adult. Until then, I will stand aside and wait. But I do feel disappointed that she has turned out to be the kind of person that, "unless you are willing to give her money or buy her things, she wants nothins to do with you", ie."Me".

Thanks ptsum and Redbird for the spiritual help .

[Synopsis]

Keep sending those cards Seabee. Keep doing the right things, no matter what.

She is the victim of their pathetic attempt to buy her off, and it has worked thus far.

However, the more that she matures hopefully she will realize just what she has really lost (in losing you; at least for the time-being).

She is your daughter and you will and should always love her. Be patient, be who you are (a great person), and continue to send those cards. Eventually she will come around and you will be thankful that you did the right thing.

God Bless,

[EarthBound?]

Thanks Synopsis,

I still get chocked up when I think of the moment we first saw each other face to face. All I could think and say was "Look how beautiful she it". But that beauty faded fast after how vain I saw she was, then my heart was broken. I can see some reasons why she may hold a grudge. But that sure didn't stop her from asking me for money and, "what are you getting me for my birthday" right off the bat, even though we hadn't met yet. I remember when she told me what her mother said, "Your daddy in for it, cause your high maintenance". Why would any mother say that about thier daughter, when she hasn't even met her Bio-father face to face yet?
She also told me that other people said they couldn't believe that she was talking to me.
Bjb123 and I both think that the shopping trip her mother took her on, on Friday, was a bribe trip. Ya know, (Get rid of him or we cut you off) . I wouldn't put it past her mother.

[Goodpasture]

Believe it or not, I have walked in very similar shoes. One thing to remember, is that she is currently as attractive as she will ever be. Given time , as the blush fades from the rose, she will hopefully discover the character that makes one truly beautiful. Hopefully, at that point she will reestablish the relationship to something more adult. In the meantime, do the things that you do because it is the right thing to do, do not enable her self destruction, and keep her on your prayer list.

It is sad, but there are a lot of emotional cripples out there.....and many could have been prevented. You have done all you can, the ball is in her court. Good luck, and I will keep you in prayer.

Greg

[EarthBound?]

Thanks Goodpasture,

I knew I could count on you for words of wisdom from experience. I'm going to keep up with what I said all along, "I going to let her mother and the others be the badguys in this".

[_redbird_]

Seabee, sorry to hear of your strange tale and even stranger child. Believe it or not, ol' Redbird played Daddy in Kansas at one time and my story is similar except I was the token step-daddy in a twisted relationship.

The buxom blonde I picked up in a bar had a son who was 10 and their relationship was even more twisted than that of your ex-wife's, he would call his mother a b!t@h and she in turn would call him a b@stard. It gets worse, much worse. I won't go into details except to say the old hag and I parted ways and not a moment too soon!!

Guess we can take a walk on the Parenting thread and curl some of their hair with our stories.

I believe there is a point where a child become an adult and they know right from wrong. You can't hold yourself accountable for someone's actions, even if they are your biological child. She was trying to impress you with her behavior, because that was all she had and when it didn't work, she took her behavior to the next level. I am not a child psychologist, but its pretty easy to see the poor girl (and her mother) needs counseling.

[colleeng47]

Hey Seab, what a sad tale! Having two adopted kids, I often tell them they need to be careful if they decide to do a "biolgoical" parent search. Sometimes what you find breaks your heart.

Your daughter is obviously a product of her upbringing. I agree you should keep a contact with her, but be careful that somewhere down the road if the boyfriend, mom and step-dad get tired of her, she may end up on your doorstep. It's happened before.

You've done what you needed to do. You sound as though you are at peace with it, and ready to put it in its proper place in your life. Good luck, and keep praying for that young lady. Also, thanks so much for sharing that story with us. I feel honored.

[EarthBound?]

Sorry guys, I didn't gey back to ya's sooner. But Bjb123 and I went to a company party Saturday and someone showed up there with a Junior Typhoid Mary. Out of 38 truck drivers and thier families, 1/2 ended up with the flu on Monday, to include yours truly . Some people don't seem to understand that when you have something like this, stay away from others for atleast 72 hrs after your over with it. Sheeeesh!

Originally Posted by colleeng47

Hey Seab, what a sad tale! Having two adopted kids, I often tell them they need to be careful if they decide to do a "biolgoical" parent search. Sometimes what you find breaks your heart.

Your daughter is obviously a product of her upbringing. I agree you should keep a contact with her, but be careful that somewhere down the road if the boyfriend, mom and step-dad get tired of her, she may end up on your doorstep. It's happened before.

You've done what you needed to do. You sound as though you are at peace with it, and ready to put it in its proper place in your life. Good luck, and keep praying for that young lady. Also, thanks so much for sharing that story with us. I feel honored.

Ya, Colleeng, Bjb123 and I have already figured that may happen some day when the cash cow runs dry. I remember my ex talking real bad about her father, but had no problem going to him for money when she wanted it. I guess thats where my daughter gets it, well, until she found out that I don't play that game.
She told us that when she was 16 yrs old she told her mother that she wanted to find me and her mom got extremely mad at her for it. And when another family member offered to help her out, well I guess she got real irate over that too.

Originally Posted by redbird4848

Seabee, sorry to hear of your strange tale and even stranger child. Believe it or not, ol' Redbird played Daddy in Kansas at one time and my story is similar except I was the token step-daddy in a twisted relationship.

The buxom blonde I picked up in a bar had a son who was 10 and their relationship was even more twisted than that of your ex-wife's, he would call his mother a b!t@h and she in turn would call him a b@stard. It gets worse, much worse. I won't go into details except to say the old hag and I parted ways and not a moment too soon!!

Guess we can take a walk on the Parenting thread and curl some of their hair with our stories.

I believe there is a point where a child become an adult and they know right from wrong. You can't hold yourself accountable for someone's actions, even if they are your biological child. She was trying to impress you with her behavior, because that was all she had and when it didn't work, she took her behavior to the next level. I am not a child psychologist, but its pretty easy to see the poor girl (and her mother) needs counseling.

When her mother and I were married I was working three jobs just to keep up with the bills. Until one day when I finally got ahold of the telephone bill "which I found out later she kept hidding it from me", before she did and saw over $400 on it, all of which were to her mother. I tore the phone off the wall (not a good idea, I know now), and I told her that her mother could make the calls to us from then on out. She never did know how to cut the apron stings from her and It seems to have been past on down the line to my daughter.

My ex's grandmother once told me that she didn't love her husband, but she did respected him (An arranged marriage). My ex's father walked out the door on her mother and them and remarried another woman soon after that. Four generations of women lived together in one small house, great grandma, grandma, my ex and her younger sister and my daughter. I think your right about the counceling.