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Old 04-20-2009, 11:45 AM
 
5 posts, read 10,475 times
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Hi, I'll start off saying we both feel like the luckiest people on the planet to have found each other. And want to work through this.

Currently we are living in Orange County, which we both agree to not raise kids in-but we just don't know where to go. The problem is this, he is born and raised on the water in orange county, loves to surf, play beach volleyball, etc (he does like to ski too) and I am from the east coast (I am also outdoorsy but can handle snow). I left Boston 5 years ago to live in Colorado (which I LOVE), than moved to Orange county for my-now Fiance. I'm having stronger feelings about being near family (could be anywhere on the east coast) but he is reluctant to try it. We are both flexible work wise. Any advice?

I'm getting to the point where it feels like I'm giving up my family to be with the love of my life in a place I hate OR live near my family in a place I like but without the love of my life. I'm trying to plan a wedding but I feel like this is a large speed bump to get over first.
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Old 04-20-2009, 05:13 PM
 
11,715 posts, read 35,872,615 times
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This sounds more like a question or Dr. Laura than City Data. If he's really a beach person, he's not going to be happy away from the beach.
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Old 04-20-2009, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Apple Valley Calif
7,475 posts, read 20,146,316 times
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Spouse comes before family. Once married, your spouse is your new, immediate family and therefor comes first. If you can't live without your family, don't get married...
You can get on an airplane and visit your family. Don't try that with a spouse if you want to stay married....
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Old 04-20-2009, 10:42 PM
 
Location: Anchorage, AK to SoCal to Missoula, MT
1,539 posts, read 2,812,216 times
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Excellent advice given above.
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Old 04-20-2009, 11:27 PM
 
Location: Hollywood North
428 posts, read 1,046,737 times
Reputation: 725
I think you would have more luck posting this in the relationship forum. This doesn't really have anything to do with OC specifically. That being said, I agree with the other posters. I am a water person and I moved away from the coast with my wife to Calgary, which is 600 miles away from the Ocean...I hated it. I missed the ocean so badly! Thankfully my wife didn't like it there either even though her family was there. We hightailed it back to the coast and I will never again consider being landlocked. I think one of you is going to have to comprimise...tough choices. If you don't like OC what about San Diego? I prefer SD to OC.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
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Old 04-21-2009, 01:59 AM
 
2,653 posts, read 4,711,254 times
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I am in your same situation - Wife wants to stay in OC (difference from you - her family is here) and I - a native east coaster & general gypsie wanderer-would love to leave. I moved here a dozen years ago to date her and we got hitched, been married for 10+ years. I've never lived in one place longer then I have here, but it still does not feel like home. About 5 years ago I realized I was done w/ Socal & OC. Despite that I am still here. Why? I love my wife and she would not be happy anywhere else. So I suck it up, pay an outrageous mortgage for a too small house, pay the high taxes, sit in the traffic, roll my eyes at the vapidness and materiealism I am surrounded by and try to sheild my kids from it. All for her. At the end of the day she is my wife and #1 priority so I pay the money, bite my tongue and keep on keepin on. Happy wife = happy life.

My advice to you: If you can't handle staying here and bear the seperation from family for him (and it ain't easy, let me tell you), either get his agreement to move in x time or break it off. Your post mentioned you agree you don't want to raise kids in the OC (Wise position, BTW). If this is so & you are planning on having kids, agree to move when they come then you ride it out til then. Everytime in life is a season. Assuming you can afford the higher COL here, spending the DINK season of life in the OC is'nt half bad.

Once the kids come head back east to your family and support system. As far as where to go, if you are open to the entire east coast anything along the atlantic seaboard south of the Mason-Dixon ought to be an easier transition for him. There are many nice places to live with temperate weather w/in a 2 hour drive of the shore. He'll just have to learn to handle the humidity. Given the better quality of the pople there, its still an upgrade from OC. You can then introduce him to the finer pleasures of the summer beachhouse ritual, how to appreciate fall colors and how to handle four seasons.
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Old 04-21-2009, 02:14 AM
 
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aww the joys of serious relationships. Suddenly you have to start thinking about two people instead of just yourself.

Good luck with it, none the less.
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Old 04-21-2009, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
26,404 posts, read 62,641,511 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Donn2390 View Post
Spouse comes before family. Once married, your spouse is your new, immediate family and therefor comes first. If you can't live without your family, don't get married...
You can get on an airplane and visit your family. Don't try that with a spouse if you want to stay married....

This was our thought when we moved to California from Michigin. The problem is that it just not happen very often. The first year, we went back half a dozen times. The second year, we went back twice, maybe three times. After that it was usually once a year and some years we did not get back at all. Once we had kids, it got very difficult and very expensive to go back. Sometimes only part of the family woudl go back for a visit.

With my family in Michgian and her parents near Boston, we would use up all of our vacation time visiting and most of that time was spent driving (fly to Michigan, drive to Boston, drive back to Michigan, fly back to CA). We never had a vacation, just visits. When we visited we usually had 7-10 days. We lost two days to flying and two to four days to driving.

At first, our family members came out to CA in droves. Everyone wanted to visit. Orange County is a wonderful place to visit and people wanted to come out. Once they had been to all the attractions however the desire died off. My parents and siblings are not travellers, so they rarely came out. Most only visited once or twice in 18 years. Her parents came out for every Christmas and when each child was born.
Her siblings visisted several times (one of them) or once.

One day we were looking through a scrapbook with our youngest children. Only one of the three could identify Grandma, Grandpa, Grammy and Grampy correctly. None of them could identify my brothers or sister. One thought that their cousin might be Grandma. Our older kids could identify grandparents and aunt and uncles, but knew nothing about any of them. That was a breaking point. I realized that my parents were likely to dies without my childeren ever really knowing them.

Grandpa really lit up every time we visited. He got really scarily depressed when we left. My siblings would tell me how he would re-tell every event that happened and everything that any of the grandchildren said for months after we left. It made me want to cry.

Finally, we could not take it anymore and moved back. I still commute back to Californa for work when necessary. Grandpa and Grandma are very happy. My children know more about my mother than I do. They sit at her feet for hours and learn to knit, or just listen to her stories about the past. I do nto know what all they talk about, but we can leave them there for a weekend and as far as I can tell the girls just sit at grandmas feet and talk the entire time. (The boys are different, the like to play pool most of the time that they are there).

I spend a lot of time wishing that we had moved earlier. I regret depriving my parents of the joy of our children as babies. I regret not having my brothers and sister as a bigger part of their young lives.

My wife is thrilled how wonderful it is to have the support and assistance of family when it is needed with the children. She regrets that she did nto have that kind of support earlier. My young son and my older brother are now pretty much best friends.

If my parents had died before we moved back, I would have been riddled with guilt forever.

You have to determine your prioirities and if your family is a high prioirty, you need to tell your spouse to be that you need to move back. If family is that important to you then it is part of who you are. If he cannot accept you as a whole package, then you need to decide whether the marraige is really right. It woudl be far worse to marry, have children and then have this crises. You need to resolve this now before you get married. Do not think that it will be ok to marry and then try to change him later. It may well be that he will change once you have kids. WHen I first moved ot OC, nothing would have caused me to move away. After 18 years and 5 kids, I was somewhat happy to leave (not entirely, but somewhat). Howevr you cannot count on that. This could become a mjor crises in your marriage or a huge regret in your life.

My 2 cents is that is is far better to have your family around and have their support for your children on a daily basis and then go visit Orange COunty when you are on vacation and have liesure time, than it is to live in Orange county (where you will not get to enjoy it all that often since you will be busy with your life) and see your family only once a year. However everyone id different.

Think deeply. You both have tough choices.

BTW we also agreed that So Cal. is not a good place to raise children. that was another incentive to move. Alghouth I sometimes have regrets about moving, we were dead right about wanting a more wholesome atmosphere to raise our kids.
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Old 04-21-2009, 10:15 AM
 
5 posts, read 10,475 times
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Coldjensens and OC Investor2, thank you so so so much for your stories and advice. Fortunately my fiance and I have very open communication so he knows my thoughts. Family is a HUGE part of ME. I wish I could say that I'd be happy on the west coast seeing them twice a year, but I know that I won't be. I already miss them a ton, I cannot imagine having babies and living far away. I am extremely fortunate to have a close family who all want to be around each other (not every day, but just on a more regular basis) and he just doesn't have that connection to his family. I like the idea of the Carolinas or someplace on the east coast that is still warm and beachy (for volleyball and surfing) but not so far away. Its refreshing to hear about other people who have been/are in similar situations because I don't know anyone who has. It is so sad to think about leaving the love of your life to be near family but I just can't imagine a life without them, does that make me immature or just a family person?

I really appreciate your reassurance on bringing up kids in the OC as well, I just can't take the materialism and in the two years I have lived there I have made very few friends which is unusual for me.

Thank you
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Old 04-24-2009, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Las Flores, Orange County, CA
26,346 posts, read 82,794,063 times
Reputation: 17500
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michamee View Post
It is so sad to think about leaving the love of your life to be near family but I just can't imagine a life without them,
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