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He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear pants don't you?
He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room..."My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it... "I do not"
Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A.Both of them.
Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A.He buys two cases of beer.
Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A.The bonds mature.
Q.Why are blonde jokes so short?
A.So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.
Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q.Why are married women heavier than single women?
A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A.They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
The Other Side of the Story
AKA: Eve's Side of the Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,
God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one
pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real
pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs,
such as her limbs, eyes, and ears, she felt that having only two breasts might leave
her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see where did I put that useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There
are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the
flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 -These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second
floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more. So she continues upward. The third
floor sig n reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth
floor and the sign reads.
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the
fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Helps with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
across the s treet.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visisited.
Two southern ladies were sitting out on the veranda sipping iced sweet tea.
The first lady says, "My husband and I just celebrated out 10th anniversary. He is still so in love with me that he bought me this here diamond ring." She holds out her hand to the other so she can admire it.
"That's niccceee.." replies the second lady.
"And my husband loves me so much that he bought me this matching diamond broach," the first lady says, her words dripping with honey. She leans forward so the second lady can fully see the beautiful broach.
"That's niccceee...." the second lady coos.
"And that big ole' beautiful car sitting out in the driveway! He bought me
that, too, for our 10th anniversary. He just can't do enough for me," the first lady boasts.
"That's niccceee....." the second lady replies.
"Now honey, what did YOUR husband get you all for your anniversary?"
"Well.....for my anniversary, my husband sent me to charm school," the second lady said.
"CHARM SCHOOL!! For your anniversary!! Whatever for?" the first lady exclaimed.
"Well.......they taught me to say 'that's nice'. Before I always used to just say F**K YOU!"
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,293 posts, read 16,130,123 times
Reputation: 7018
Not quite a "joke" but funny... I couldn't find the OFF TOPIC thread!!
You have GOT to try this!
How smart is Your Right Foot?? Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon... This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't! It's preprogrammed in your brain! 1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer , lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
I'm sure this one has made its rounds in everyone's email. My dad keeps sending it to me every six months or so, I'm not sure if he forgets it and thinks its a new joke or what
Two Italians on the Bus
The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is fixed when she hears one of the men say,
"Emma comme first. Den I come. Two asses, they comme together. I comme again. Two asses, they comme together again. I comme again and pee twice. Then I comme once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'ma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
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colored folks
