Jokes to make your day happier (cost, phone, letter, name)

[Zmehappy]

There's this old gentleman that was hard of hearing. He was scheduled for his yearly physical, so he took his wife to be his ears.

They entered the Dr. office and he sat while his wife checked him in to the receptionist. Soon after that the nurse opened the door and called his name to follow her. The old man never responded, so finally his wife nudged him and very loudly said "THEY ARE READY FOR YOU HERBERT".

Once in the exam room the nurse took Herb's vitals, handed him a gown and let him know the doc would be with him soon. Again his wife loudly told Herb what the nurse had just said.

Once the doc came in and completed the physical he let the old man know what his results were. In addition the doc said "I'm going to need a urine, semen and stool sample." The old man looked at his wife and said "WHAT DID HE SAY"

She said "HE WANTS YOU TO LEAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

[MonaLisaVito]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it
between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[square peg]

Lo and behold. My day has gotten happier - Thanx! (sigh) Now, back to the mundanity.

[kickinbackfl]

Thoses were so great, you have got to give us more!!!

[GoddessofRandomThoughts]

Okay I LMAO when I heard this one!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[KwaK]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[Marylandkitten]

oh Karla... I had to forward that one to my mom.

[msina]

Excellant!!

[BrianG]

You've Got To Love the Irish!

A concert in Ireland

At a U2 concert in Ireland ,

Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then stop clapping, yafooking a--hole!"

You Got To Love the Irish!

[fuzzymystic]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.

"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"