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Old 02-02-2008, 06:21 PM
 
Location: On the plateau, TN
13,511 posts, read 6,764,855 times
Reputation: 8483
Wink Taser Stun Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
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Old 02-02-2008, 07:24 PM
 
Location: Maine
7,702 posts, read 7,404,757 times
Reputation: 8209
I don't care who you are,... That's funny!!
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Old 02-03-2008, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Welland, Ontario Canada
323 posts, read 386,552 times
Reputation: 270
I'm laughing so hard tears are streaming down my cheeks. I know this wasn't the point of your post but thanks for the laugh. P.S. I hope you find your testicles. Perhaps Gracie knocked them under your furniture. LOL
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Amelia View
2,769 posts, read 7,138,540 times
Reputation: 2027
omg I'm laughing uncontrollably at your expense and I apologize but can't help it!
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Sheffield, England
2,640 posts, read 4,362,401 times
Reputation: 3121
That's it, I know what my next purchase will be!
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Old 02-03-2008, 04:16 PM
 
Location: California
9,612 posts, read 10,168,304 times
Reputation: 10747
At least it wasn't a .25 auto, people always told me to never buy one for protection because they bounce off, I don't think I would want to test that one. Years ago I saw a news reporter try out a bullet proof jacket, I guess he thought it would just bounce off, he let a guy shoot him with a 22 pistol, the jacket claimed it would stop a .357 but it didn't claim it would not hurt, the reporter hit the ground screaming and cussing, he got a nice 1 foot bruise, the jacket was just that, a jacket that was made from bullet resistant material, no armor to absorbe the impact, it was funny but I'm sure the reporter didn't find any humor in it.
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Old 02-03-2008, 05:09 PM
 
16,658 posts, read 15,699,619 times
Reputation: 16525
OMG I am on the floor! Sorry bonesie! Lol.. still laughing, the kids had to check and make sure I was ok!!!!
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Old 02-03-2008, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
515 posts, read 1,071,646 times
Reputation: 364
Thats one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. Thank You. How much of a reward are you offering for your testicles?
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Old 02-04-2008, 02:55 AM
 
Location: In my house
8,762 posts, read 14,271,383 times
Reputation: 5313
Sometimes in life, someone has to volunteer to be the guinea pig to make sure these things work properly.
Thanks for testing it Bones. Now i know what I will buy for my protection, and thanks for not zapping that sweet kitty. It probably could have killed her!
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Old 02-05-2008, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Lived Large in Parsippany NJ - Lived Larger in Livingston, NJ -- Now Living Huge in Bethlehem PA
460 posts, read 1,437,737 times
Reputation: 437
Hey bro please dont tase me....LMFAO....!!!!

=========

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bones View Post
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
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