Comedy, Because I am a man, A public service message to help women to better understand men. (cost, house)

[John1960]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle With a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is
not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will
Pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
Able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a
couple of beers as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to
find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are
the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just
cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put
it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may
miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex.
I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at
least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It
does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes
and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we
just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2008, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking,
the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message to help women to better
understand men.

[sierraAZ]

Here are the top 10 things that men understand about women:

10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.


(You guessed it)

Top 10 Things Men Understand About Women

[crazyworld]

John1960......that was great(from a woman's standpoint).

Nice to see you came back with that great sense of humor!

[RuralCoastalGuy]

Great post John:

It should help women understand the basic needs of men and help them understand that we are as complex or complicated as they are.

As a man and an engineer I can clearly see the logic contained in your explanation.

sierraAZ...I love your all encompassing list of 10 things women understand about men, but could you print in something other than white ink? I could not make it out

Welcome back John...we missed your sense of humor and unique posts...

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by UncleBatz

sierraAZ...I love your all encompassing list of 10 things women understand about men, but could you print in something other than white ink? I could not make it out

You got it in reverse, UncleBatz. It was "top 10 things that men understand about women"!!! It's such a fruitful topic that we can always add more, in black ink. Most of you, guys, though, are married and have been married for a long time, so I assume you're fluent in this language!

9 Words Women Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

9 Words Women Use

17 Female Rules

1.The female makes the rules.
2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.
4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,
or did not say.
7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female
as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason
at all.
9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances
without the express written consent of the female which is given only in
cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no
indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or
imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole
judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of
the root cause of the female's being angry or pset. The female may,
however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying
attention. See rule 13.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or
indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the
sole discretion of the female.
14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past
incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,
enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to
the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,
pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to
illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the
consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has
bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports
teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such
illustrations are non-rebuttable.
16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,
opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective
interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.
Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or
rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy
and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. :-))

17 Female Rules

[RuralCoastalGuy]

17 Female Rules


Aha! So that's what I have been hearing all these years! Note that I shall study and try to absorb all of this before attempting to discuss this with my Wife.

I don't fully understand why copies of this are not printed for male use. When I asked my Wife why she replied, "sigh", to which I replied, "fohgeddabowdit!"....

Thanks for starting all this trouble John

[Northwoods Voyager]

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