Has anyone ever had to drop a friend? (buy, cell phone, street)

[nhyrnut]

Ya my best friend growing up. is the only one I wish I didn't have to though. When we got together trouble always followed. But when I moved away for a year we kept in touch. He then got in trouble with the law at 16 giving special k to a couple 15 year old girls, and got caught. the state held the charges for 2 years the week before he turned 18 the charged him as an adult. He went away for 7 years. I have yet to contact him Knowing that when 1 is incarserated you don't grow up. It actually would regress someone with the kind of mentality he had. And he now has to register as a sex offender so I know how to find him. I just can't bring myself to renew a friendship that was so good, knowing it will never be as it was. And knowing the kind of ppl he hangs around with now. Ya I keep tabs on him just through ppl that work with him. But they don't know I know him. They just talk of the things that they do and he is mentioned. He is now 1 of the major drug suppliers in the NH area and I don't want anything to do with that. They laff when they say he works so the feds don't figure it out. Like that $14 an hr job bought him a Lexus lol. He will be going back soon.

[momof2dfw]

Originally Posted by CabinFever

Everytime I see this thread out in the main forum,I think it means like did ya ever drop your friend off a mountain or something.

LOL!!! Well, I had this friend that we became really good friends after high school. Whenever us girls all planned a girls night out all they ever wanted to do was go see where the guys were. These guys meaning a group of guys we all knew and one of them being my bf (now husband). I of course did not want to "chase" my bf or make it even appear like it so I'd get a little upset because I thought all of us girls could just go out and have fun. This girl also thought she could hold her liquor. HA!!! Well one night after having one WAY TOO many on our way home (me driving of course as always) she was in the front passenger seat reclined back and I heard this gurgle sound. We were ON THE HIGHWAY, a MAJOR highway and I pulled over onto the right shoulder, leaned over and opened the door and shoved her out head first. LOL!!! She pucked on herself and NOT in my car though. Well, she had also been a big girl, not fat but just big boned and tall. She wanted to lose weight to "catch" one of my bf's friends. So I helped encourage her, went on walks together, etc. She lost weight and looked great but then she wanted pants painted on skin tight (thank goodness this was in the 80's). Well when I wanted to loose a little weight and get in better shape she was HORRIBLE!!!! I mean just flat out rude to me. She did NOT want me "skinnier" than her for some reason. I was NOT interested in the same guy she was (who she has nothing to do w/ now but he and my hubb are still good friends). Later on she refused for her bf (this friend of my bf's) to be anywhere NEAR me or even my bf if he was seeing me. She tried numerous times to get my bf to run off and leave me somewhere if we were all together. So I dropped her just about as hard as I threw her out of my car head first. Oh, she had a HUGE knot and bruise on her forehead and no clue how it got there. HAHAHAHAHA

So yes, sometimes you have to drop friends. If they are using you like a doormat, only want to be your "friend" when it is convienent for them, to help them feel better by putting you down, etc are all very good reasons to move on.

[mb919]

WOW, you said it all. I have told my mother and the rest of my siblings to F/Off and I meant it, I no longer have anything to do with them, I have just taken one of my stepsons to court for money he owed back for a down payment on his house, I won the case but I am still waiting for the money, it may sound like I am a royal BI#CH but I have to stick up for myself and my daughter. It seems like I can hold this up for a while then I tend to melt down, but I do feel that I am on a mission this time, and I don't care what they think.
I guess with friends, I have the one, but I would rather have acquaintances instead, that way you don't get in to deep, and don't get hurt. It is very hard to teach my daughter about self esteem, when I struggle with it everyday, I am hoping that with the changes I make in my life she will see that is ok to say no.

What is it that they say? Every day, you teach people how to treat you by how you act towards them. It sounds like you've taught people to treat you as a doormat for a long time, so they did. Now, you have to teach them something else, and sometimes you have to be pretty harsh in order to teach that lesson. Don't feel guilty. If someone doesn't add something to your life, then there's no point in keeping them around, no matter who they are.

[Yorkie_Mom]

Thank you to you and MHT, with you backing me I could climb mountains, my daughter is only 12, and yes she comes first, the others do have plenty of other family to buy them gifts. When I was told I had fibromyalgia and the start of RA, that is when I started to stay away from the people who were causing me stress. I also am very protective of my child since she is my only child, and I will not take her around others that can't treat her with respect, she is very good at being respectful of others, and I think she is a great kid.
My husband is still pushing the-- WE HAVE TO GIVE THE GRANDKIDS SOMETHING, but I am sorry our daughter comes first, if he wants to put them ahead of his own daughter, well then I say he can go and move in with them!!!! Thank you all for the support, and I am standing my ground.

Originally Posted by CelticLady1

Hey YorkieMom,
Here's my vote. Absolutely, take care of your daughter, first! I presume the grandchildren have their own parents and perhaps other grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., to give them gifts. You are not under obligation to do what you cannot afford to do, or to try and keep up with other members of family as to how much you spend. I spend the most on my son, because he is still at home, (although I did tell him that this is his last "big" year). I don't spend near as much on any of my grandkids, (and, we have six), or on my daughter, step-daughter or their husbands. Just be upfront with the rest of the family, and tell them that your finances are such that you cannot afford gifts for everyone else in the family. I believe in the old adage that "charity starts at home", and then branches out from there, as you are able. The adults in your family should be able to understand the situation, and they should take the time to explain to the kids, in such a way as to assure them that Grandpa and Grandma love all of them very much, and that they would like to give them gifts, but it is just not possible this year.

[MoMark]

Originally Posted by MHT

I've had to drop a friend that I've had for almost 40 years. Growing up it was always me that gave and gave, she always had an excuse why she stood me up, etc. Last year her son was killed in a car accident and I drove over 1000 miles to be there for her and attend the funeral. I have called and/or sent a note every couple of weeks since. She hasn't handled it well so I told her that I would come up again. I got to where she lives (after another 1000 mile drive - one way) and she wasn't home. Her neighbor told me she thought she was gone for the weekend. She called me a couple of days later when I was on my way home with yet again another excuse. I told her I was done!

Sorry for the long, long, story.

ooooh....if I had come over 1000 miles to be with a friend who was expecting me, and then that friend was not there when I got there and gone for days and then were to come back with same lame ass excuse...telling him or her I was "done" would be an understatement!!!!! I'd be furious, but...I'd quickly cut all ties too and not care about explaining it. Just hasta la bye bye.

[pjacksone]

Originally Posted by sunnyhelena

Yes. If she is bringing you down, she is somehow getting some satisfaction (perverse) from this. When my Mom died I found out very quickly the difference between a real friend- and a fair weather friend; People may PRETEND they don't know what they are doing, BUT if you have known her 20years, there is obviously some secondary gain she is getting- if she is somehow hurting you or being negative- you don't need it. jmo.

sunny

I know exactly what you mean, after my mom passed in May of 2005, and the smoke cleared, I found out who was still there after the politically correct time table of asking "what can I do?" and "how are you really doing?" and there weren't that many people, in fact there were very few. Some family members started dumping their problems on me when they felt like I was back standing on my own 2 feet. MY FRIEND (that I haven't spoken with in almost a month) was another one of the people dumping on me. I've know him for about 13 years - we called each other siblings and know EVERTYTHING about each other. But he's always had more problems than me and always looked at me as a support system. After I moved out of state in June , he said that he was moving also (to the same town). I was thrilled, my husband was not. My hubby said he's a grown a$$ man, why is he following you and expects you to take care of him??? In the past 3 or 4 months, he's gotten back with his child's mother (again, this has happened more times than I can count) and now he's confused AGAIN and says that he doesn't know what he's going to do. He's very flaky. I'm so tired of this rollercoaster and I'm ready to get off. So I haven't spoken to him in a month. I know I need to keep away from him for my own sanity and I'm wondering if this move was God's way of separating me from him.

[HappyandMarried]

Originally Posted by Rapture

Recently I was reading an article that was titled "Things you should do by the time your thirty". One of the things on the list was drop friends that hold you back & bring you down. Well, I'm a lot older and I still had one friend in my life that has brought me down many times and I feel I've always been a better friend to her than she has been to me. We had a disagreement a couple weeks ago and I haven't wanted to speak to her, so the other day she called me and we had a big blow out. I said things I've been holding in for a long time and she was clueless. Since the argument I can't stop thinking about it and I feel anxiety and really mad still, to the point I don't want to ever talk to her again. On the other hand we've been friends for twenty years and I wonder if it's right to just drop a friend after all this time?

I had a friend, we'll call him 'Steve', that I knew for years. Never had any money, and anytime we did anything it was always "can I borrow $$ for ...." or "can you cover me until later ....". But that was ok because I had a very good job.

When I met my future wife I ended up spending less time with him. I could tell he resented it. He will never find a good woman because he looks for them in the wrong places. He has been in several relationships where the police had to get involved when situations came up.

When I moved out of state he was going to help me load the truck. Never showed up. Then he was going to come to my wedding. Didn't come. I had several other friends from my old home town come to the wedding, which was very nice. I still speak to the other friends on occasion. When they are in town they stay at my home.

I have had the same phone number for 10 years now. I gave it to 'Steve' when I first moved in to my home. He has never called. I can't call him because he moves so much that no one knows his current number.

I say it is ok to outgrow friendships. People change, move in different directions, and grow apart. I rarely even think about 'Steve' any more. I hope he is doing well, but no longer need him in my life. I have made new friends in my area.

[Rapture]

Well my story continues...she sent me a Christmas card and I sent her one. Had to do it or I would have felt like a real jerk. She left a message yesterday saying we should make up and things can't end this way etc... The thing is, I don't want to make up or still be friends, I've had enough! It makes me feel bad but I feel worse when I am being freinds with her, so I think that's a clear sign not to make up.

[MoMark]

Originally Posted by Rapture

Well my story continues...she sent me a Christmas card and I sent her one. Had to do it or I would have felt like a real jerk. She left a message yesterday saying we should make up and things can't end this way etc... The thing is, I don't want to make up or still be friends, I've had enough! It makes me feel bad but I feel worse when I am being freinds with her, so I think that's a clear sign not to make up.

I think you're worried still about hurting her feelings and caught in that "I don't want to be mean" trap. Firstly..you're not being mean, you're being honest with her and yourself!
Truly Rapture, I would tell her the truth which is that the friendship is negative for you and that you feel better off without it and wish her well leaving no doubt that it's over. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself.
And... I have a sneaky suspicion that after you tell her the truth and just say what you're decision is, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders because you're speaking in truth, not out of malice. It simply is what it is and you have come to a decision that it is unhealthy for you.
Once you make that statement out loud to her, you'll be smiling and feeling good as you'll have done two things:
1. Stated what you know you need to say and stick with your decision
2. Set a new standard for yourself about what you will and will not tolerate from those who stomp on you under the guise of friendship, etc. You will never again hesitate after this.

I hope you follow through....best thing is to say it directly treat it like getting into a cold pool...dive in as going toes, then feet, then ankles, then shins, then knees, etc. is torture and you might back out. Good luck!

[Rapture]

MoMark - You are exactly right and I know that, thank you.

I want to tell her be she creates so much drama that I'm avoiding dealing with it because of being so busy with holidays and moving. I know she's going to carry on and probably cry and I do feel bad but like you said I have to do what's best for me. It's just soooo hard!