New Jokes (cost, house, phone, living in)

[npumcrisz]

Shut the door, take off your pants, get on top of me and do what you need to do to satisfy your needs.

Love always, The Toilet.

[npumcrisz]

A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why
our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information, then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ' Without
trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa .' Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida
package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state!'

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to
see England from Canada ?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so
close on the map..'

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had
only a 1-hour layover in Dallas When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a
car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how
it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to
Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said
(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude! After putting her
on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back
and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air
Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to
Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be
cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked,
'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he
meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but
none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter
plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents
he needed in order to fly to China After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I
don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, 'I want
to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..' I was at a loss for
words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?'
'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some
searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every
airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady
retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo , do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I
knew it was a big animal.'

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could some people be this IGNORANT?

YES,......THEY WALK AMONG US.......AND CONTINUE TO BREED

[npumcrisz]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,

Trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker

Exclaims, 'are they all yours?' ' Yep they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.



She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's' names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.



In disbelief, the case worker.

'Are you serious?

They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.



When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.

'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.

[npumcrisz]

Whatever you are, be a good one.
-Abraham Lincoln


World¢s Greatest
Leave Applications (Made in INDIA )

Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the 'mundan' ceremony of his 10 year old son:

'as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days..'

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

'as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..'

From H.A.L.
Administration Dept:
'As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.'

Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:

'Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave'

An incident of a leave letter:

'I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.'

A leave letter to the headmaster:
'As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today'


Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

'As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.'


Covering note:
'I am enclosed herewith...'


Another one:
'Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below...'

Actual letter written for application of leave:

'My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave'.

Letter writing:-

'I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.'

A candidate's job application:
'This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and
an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

[npumcrisz]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said
'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down
'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards



HI, HAVE A LAUGH...................

[npumcrisz]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter...

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for Cocaine and Ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son,
John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
than the report card, that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[npumcrisz]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ....)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU