Punishment these days... (house, the best, how many, to live)

[SpeedyAZ]

Well this evening I went out to dinner with my pop and we were discussing different topics. Well the whole punishment issue for a child came up. About how nowadays parents are supossed to get their kids to talk about their feelings, what they did wrong, and etc. How does everyone feel about this?

How many of us remember sharing our feelings when we were younger? Did we talk about what we did wrong and what were going to do to fix it?

I remember when I did anything wrong as a child, I usually got spanked or kicked in the rear a few times. Boy, did I sure learn my lesson in a hurry! I don't think this modern-day punishment is working on kids. A few parents I know use the "talk about it" approach and their kids just keep getting away with stuff. I don't think it's teaching them anything...

Also what about bullies at school? I'm sure most all of us have experiences with it. Nowadays parents are filing harrasement on them instead of teaching their kids to stand up and fight. I remember my dad teaching me how to stand up for myself and throw a few punches at this kid. I was taught that if you got knocked down; to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in it. We're losing this anymore, now they have counseling...

Ok, end of my little rant. What are your views?

[MoMark]

Originally Posted by SpeedyAZ

Well this evening I went out to dinner with my pop and we were discussing different topics. Well the whole punishment issue for a child came up. About how nowadays parents are supossed to get their kids to talk about their feelings, what they did wrong, and etc. How does everyone feel about this?

How many of us remember sharing our feelings when we were younger? Did we talk about what we did wrong and what were going to do to fix it?

I remember when I did anything wrong as a child, I usually got spanked or kicked in the rear a few times. Boy, did I sure learn my lesson in a hurry! I don't think this modern-day punishment is working on kids. A few parents I know use the "talk about it" approach and their kids just keep getting away with stuff. I don't think it's teaching them anything...

Also what about bullies at school? I'm sure most all of us have experiences with it. Nowadays parents are filing harrasement on them instead of teaching their kids to stand up and fight. I remember my dad teaching me how to stand up for myself and throw a few punches at this kid. I was taught that if you got knocked down; to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in it. We're losing this anymore, now they have counseling...

Ok, end of my little rant. What are your views?

Well, I agree with you. I heard somewhere that some lawmaker in California wants to make it illegal to spank any child 3 or under. How about the 3 year old on the plane who threw a fit and caused mom, dad, and herself to be thrown off for disrupting and delaying take-off? I'd have spanked that little girl hard enough to get her attention and/or applied a famous "neck-pincher" hold to the back of her neck and asked her if she wanted something to cry about?
Obviously infants cannot be disciplined like older children, but three year olds are old enough to understand good versus bad behavior.
Spanking has its place. Beating never has a place.
As for school bullies, my dad told me to find out who the toughest kid in school was and then approach that kid when there were lots of other kids around and a teacher or two (adults present) and slug him in the gut. His logic was that I'd gain instant respect and be saved from being killed by the adults rushing to end the fight.
I actually did get into a shoving match in 4th grade with the school bully and I got the 4th Grader's equivalent of the Purple Heart for bravery. However, he beat the sh_t out of me on the way home through the field. But no one saw
Nowadays though it's different. They come to school that young with knives, guns, and they kill you. When I was a kid, the worst that could happen was a fist.

[SpeedyAZ]

Nowadays though it's different. They come to school that young with knives, guns, and they kill you. When I was a kid, the worst that could happen was a fist.

Yeah when I was growing up you saw that in horror movies- it wasn't real life. Kids that are getting picked on now will either file harassement on you or they even might go to the extreme of killing you or killing themself. These kids haven't been taught to defend themselves properly. I personally blame the ACLU...

Heck I remember my "freshmen initiation"...today that'd land you in juvenille hall!

[SandyCo]

I see nothing wrong with talking to your kids about what they did wrong, or why you wouldn't let them go out, etc. The danger in that, though, is in getting hooked into a "Why?" discussion that is endless. My kids would always say, "But you don't underSTAND!!!" and I'd say, "I do understand. I just don't agree!" I never made the mistake of trying to be a "friend" to my kids. I didn't care if my rules were unpopular; they were still the rules. Sometimes my kids would even yell they hated me (rarely); I'd say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I still love you. And you still don't get to..." (fill in the blanks). Were they being disrespectful? Sure, but I also learned to pick my battles.

Parenting is the biggest challenge ever, and the one we're the least prepared for. I tried to take the best that I learned from my father's example, but I edited out his bad stuff. I've done my best, and I think it's all any of us can do.

[YapCity]

Originally Posted by SandyCo

I see nothing wrong with talking to your kids about what they did wrong, or why you wouldn't let them go out, etc. The danger in that, though, is in getting hooked into a "Why?" discussion that is endless. My kids would always say, "But you don't underSTAND!!!" and I'd say, "I do understand. I just don't agree!" I never made the mistake of trying to be a "friend" to my kids. I didn't care if my rules were unpopular; they were still the rules. Sometimes my kids would even yell they hated me (rarely); I'd say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I still love you. And you still don't get to..." (fill in the blanks). Were they being disrespectful? Sure, but I also learned to pick my battles.

Parenting is the biggest challenge ever, and the one we're the least prepared for. I tried to take the best that I learned from my father's example, but I edited out his bad stuff. I've done my best, and I think it's all any of us can do.

Yeah but you're a moderator, lol. A pretty good one too I guess.
That's the key ingredient to any good mod, resolving issues with carefully chosen words. I also agree that I would rather teach my children how to resolve things with words. I teach them to argue too. My daughter is like 6 months away from sitting for the bar and she's only five, lol.

However, I've had some issues with my son(3). Issues where he was kicking and biting his sister. One day he kicked his sister in the head(for about the 20th time) while they were laying down on the floor together watching a movie. He just kept moving his legs in a bicycle motion while she covered her head crying.

I walked over, tugged his pants down, and layed 3 fingers across his behind about 5 times. It happened once again, same issue, about two weeks later. This time he got it about 10 times. My hands are big, so only three fingers across the behind(afraid of actually hurting him). Well that was oh about 5 months ago. It hasn't happened since, not even close.

I guess when possible I would prefer to teach my kids to negotiate and argue. However, Grandma wasn't ENTIRELY wrong, lol. Sometimes a little swat is exactly what is needed.

I have never raised a hand to my daughter, and my son has only had a swat on three separate occasions. Yes, the guilt remains, but he's a better kid because of those few swats I'm sure.

-TT

[Ms.Charlotte]

I think talking things out works, but it doesn't take the place of discipline. Unfortunately, some parents let their children stay out of control for years, then wonder at age 10 why the talking it out approach doesn't work. The communication has to start from the beginning, and continue. It takes patience!

I think bad behavior should always have a consequence. Spanking is not an option in my home. But, my kids have tremendous respect for me (so far) because they know I mean business when I say something. Consistency is key. That's why choosing your battles, like SandyCo said, is so important. When I say "no", I never change my mind. When I say "Do that one more time and we're leaving" ..we leave.

Now, talk to me when my kids are teenagers and I might have a different story to tell!

[SandyCo]

Ms. Charlotte, you are so right! My son came to live with me when he was nine (too long a story to go into here!), and he was very angry and out of control - to the point of kicking a hole in his bedroom door. I projected ahead five years to when he'd be both taller and stronger than me, and I got him into counseling ASAP. That helped tremendously, although it took two years to see consistent results!

I don't understand why some parents can't see the future of their inaction with their children. The same child who took a dollar from you without asking when he or she is ten years old will be the same child who's going to "borrow" your car without asking in another six or seven years, if there are no consequences the first time.

I also can't imagine letting my kids scream and throw temper tantrums in restaurants or other public places. When my kids did that when they were little, I took them outside until they could be quiet. If that took ten or fifteen minutes, oh well!

By the way, I'm sure you have great kids and that they'll be just fine!

[SandyCo]

Originally Posted by YapCity

Yeah but you're a moderator, lol. A pretty good one too I guess.
That's the key ingredient to any good mod, resolving issues with carefully chosen words. I also agree that I would rather teach my children how to resolve things with words. I teach them to argue too. My daughter is like 6 months away from sitting for the bar and she's only five, lol.

However, I've had some issues with my son(3). Issues where he was kicking and biting his sister. One day he kicked his sister in the head(for about the 20th time) while they were laying down on the floor together watching a movie. He just kept moving his legs in a bicycle motion while she covered her head crying.

I walked over, tugged his pants down, and layed 3 fingers across his behind about 5 times. It happened once again, same issue, about two weeks later. This time he got it about 10 times. My hands are big, so only three fingers across the behind(afraid of actually hurting him). Well that was oh about 5 months ago. It hasn't happened since, not even close.

I guess when possible I would prefer to teach my kids to negotiate and argue. However, Grandma wasn't ENTIRELY wrong, lol. Sometimes a little swat is exactly what is needed.

I have never raised a hand to my daughter, and my son has only had a swat on three separate occasions. Yes, the guilt remains, but he's a better kid because of those few swats I'm sure.

-TT

I was asked to be a moderator because I've had practice as a mom! Thanks for the kind words, too.

One time when my son was just a baby, we were at my dad's house watching TV. My son was asleep on the floor and my daughter was playing with some wooden blocks. Well, she threw one at him, and it hit him right in the head! She was only 3 years old, so it only hit him hard enough to wake him up and start crying. You should have seen the malevolent look in her eyes as she did that, though! I told her, "Don't ever do that again. You don't have to like your brother, but you can't hurt him." I didn't force her to apologize, because I've never understood that. If someone forces you to say something, do you ever mean it?! Ten minutes later she apologized on her own, anyway. But you have to love sibling rivalry!

I think if I were in your situation, I would have done the same thing. Some children don't always respond to words, unfortunately. Of course, spanking should be the last resort, mostly as an attention getter!

[lookingfortheperfectplace]

My son is only 3. We do time outs for some stuff. I take a hot wheels car for the day for yelling at us, or 2 or more if he yells again. We do talk to him and explain everything. I am against spanking but....I've done it. Not much, less than 7 ocassions. First spanking was at 2 1/2 when I was changing his diaper and he would not stop kicking his legs like crazy even with me holding him down. Did not want poo flying everywhere. He got a spanking one more time for the same thing and never did it again. He hit me once and got a warning and the next time he hit me he got spanked, didn't do that again. He refused a time out so I gave him the option of time out or spanking. Guess he didn't think I would do it because he got the spanking and we never had a disagreement about time outs again. I completely agree with say what you do and do what you say. He knows if I say something that I mean it and he knows that everything has a cause and effect. He is really a well behaved kid the majority of the time. We are going thru the yelling phase right now and that's it. My husband did have to take him out to the car twice while we were out shopping. But he is a quick learner. I don't even remember when he got his last spanking or time out. Whew, I better knock on some wood!

[Need_affordable_home]

Wow howd he kick a hole in the door at 9? Was the door made of paper or something or is he a superman candidate?

I dont ever plan on having children but I can tell you that I dont believe in violence. No spanking. Ground them, suspend their allowance, take their toys away for a day or week, make them stand in the corner for 15 minutes, make them do pushups, deny them desert, etc.