Heartbreak, Revenge.. and how to get over it all

[Twisted Sister]

mrshvo, you were definitely dating an abuser at 21. The best s e x ever is one of an abuser's hook - but if you think back on it, did he delight in seeing himself as an extraordinary lover? It was all about him, trust me. You say you were "hooked." In actuality, you were needy. There's a process called "traumatic bonding" that occurs between an abuser and his partner in which he becomes BOTH your tormentor (causing your pain) and rescuer (relieving your pain with attention, apologies, flowers, promises). A vicious cycle that NEVER ends unless he changes (which ain't likely to happen). I went through a similar relationship for a period of TWO YEARS. Worst of all, he got the pleasure of kicking me while I was down by leaving me for another girl. He went from "I can't live without you" (he honestly tried to hang himself when I told him I was going to leave him, and I literally cut the noose and saved his life!) to "get the f--- out of here" when I confronted him about this new girl. That hurt worse than any slap or punch. But I later learned that the jekyll/hyde personality is typical for an abuser. Fast forward: Cosmic Dude was right - a few weeks after he ended it, he was texting me saying he loved and missed me. But when I texted him back, he ignored me. These headgames sent me over the edge. One night I got loaded off of two vodka tonics, went to his cousin's apartment where I knew he'd be, and told him to tell his family right then and there what he was doing to me. (A fate worse than death for most abusers is to be found out, especially by friends and family who are often clueless). That dumba-- actually took the bait. He sat calmly for perhaps two seconds and when I said the magic words "f---ing liar" he literally LUNGED at me! He slammed me against the wall (the back of my head broke the glass in a picture frame), but I knew it was coming and swung at him with my fist and my punch landed square in his eye! He stumbled back in shock, realized what a pu--y he looked like, and came lunging back. Fortunately, (and I knew this would be the case), his cousins pulled him off of me and dragged him screaming into the next room. I calmly said to those left in the room, "I've never had any reason to lie to any of you. Please watch out for his new girlfriend" and left. But can you believe that despite everything I knew, I continued to miss the hell out of him? I wanted to bed that hottie so bad I couldn't stand it. Fast forward six months: (again, Cosmic Dude is right) I remained silent and distant and he started calling me "just to see how your doing." Sadly, I was so sex-starved that I played his game and slept with him on three occasions over the next 6 months (and he was still with the same girl!). And, honey, don't you know that on those three occasions he was UBER lover, saying and doing ALL the things he knew I loved just to hook me back in? BUT!!!! The moment I started feeling that anxiety ("is he gonna call me tonight"), I changed all my numbers and dropped off the planet. I caught him driving by my home a couple of times shortly after that, but it's been six silent months. Recently, his mom emailed me, said she loved and missed me, and asked for my new number? What do you think of that, Cosmic Dude? I know it's not over. He's waiting for the right time to strike, but I've got more willpower than I did before and I learn more everyday about predatory men. Moral of the story for the girl who can't seem to get over her heartache: I'm considered "the total package" by several of the men I have recently dated, but I've ended it with each of them because I haven't gotten to that place where I feel like I can love another man, let alone sleep with one. I still hurt, I still desire, I still miss that loser, and it's been a year and a half. BUT!! Every day gets a little better and some days are fantastic and free of thoughts about him. It's when I lay down at night and hear my breathing under the covers that sends me into a lust-filled dream world where I fantasize about all the fantastic nights we had. It's then I realize what a long way I still have to go and that I had better put all men on hold until I can get my had screwed on really tight so I don't make the same mistake again. Find out who you are, become comfortable with that, and by all means snap out of it when you begin to obsess about your ex. Women think too much. While it's okay to have blue days and crying spells, too much is NO GOOD. Make yourself snap out of it. Go to a movie. Read a good book (I highly recommend Case Histories). Cook. Clean. Listen to Joyce Meyers' "The Self Confident Woman." Enjoy yourself. And good luck, sweetie. I'll be praying for you.

[dreamofmonterey]

Originally Posted by mrshvo

I was engaged when I was about 21...yet we didn't have any plans. I loved him so much I would have died for him. I think it was more obsessive than love (now), but you couldn't tell me that then. The s e x was the BEST ever, and I think I was hooked on that with him. We had a violent relationship though. I was so insecure and panicked that he wouldn't want me anymore, and I am a controlling person anyway...he has an evil temper when he would get mad, that we would verbally clash so many times. He also had hit me as well. Not beat, but I have been slammed down and kicked hard enough to leave a boot size bruise, slapped in the face a couple of times...and the kicker is, he left me.

I was devasted for over two years. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying. Yes, I think I even stalked him.

It took finding another guy- the one right before my husband, to slowly ease the pain. Finding love again. Actually, growing up and realizing what an
a$$ I was, an a$$ he was...and how awful we were together.

IMO its the rejection, not the person himself/herself. mrshvo, I have a "friend" I have known since 1994. She is attractive and never had a problem finding men. The problem became control.

This woman is now 40 married to a 58 year old attorney who is also psychologically abusive. She is the same as she was 20 years ago, thinking she will make him want her: she was a model, she did this etc....ad nauseum.
It is really a self-esteem problem and has nothing to do with the relationship (Kudos to you for being self-aware Some people never are).

To the OP, I can understand your feelings. It takes time. But if it is an obsession (as Cosmic also mentioned) it will never work out. Don't waste time. And it is scary some people (the man you are talking about ) sounds like a borderline personality. They have a gift for using people. Run, don't walk, away.


sunny

[jadybaby123]

right my ex was a sly cunning evil man!!!!!!!!!!!!! from day one when we got 2 geva i no it sounds bad but he had a gf he only lived with for a house n he sed he would leave her this was october 2006 n still hadnt by december sed he couldnt coz of her kids(haad nothing to do with him) anyway as time went on i noticed him being a bit of a bum towards me and even tho we didnt live nt he same town id say 2 him are u cheating on me with her n he would say no y would i i cant believe u dont trust me if u dont u might aswel eff off n i was like :|:| um ok n he made me feel bad so i kept saying sorry feelign like i was the 1 with all the faults to later then in the day go out with him his gf(she didnt no just had doupts) n mydads gf n then after that i seen a love bite on her neck n sed ..."Emma whats on ur neck" everyone else knew about me n him coz at this point it was like about feb so 5 months into it and she was liek aww he wont stop cuddling me in bed(onbaout my ex well we was 2 geva then) n kissing me cant keep his hands off me so i basically ended it there i was crying and hated what he done but he came back n sed he had left her then after that him and his aunti had a massive argument n he walked out said he had nowhere 2 go bar emmas n stood there crying telling me he loves me n i deserve better n i proper poured my heart out to him then coz i was madly inlove with him i still am but then after all that he basically sed in september last year that all i do is go out with my cousin i was like^o) wait a min i have loads of fun with her who r u to say all tha like n he said yeh well it seems like u love her more than me n i was like:|:| freak..... but then he text me n told me it was over, 4 two months i just sat crying at home coz i missed him so bad n i knew he was with her all i wanted was to be able 2 kiss him n n e ways 2 months later i got a text asking how i was n it was him n we decided we couldnt live without eachother n got bk 2 geva he had left her was living with his nan and admitted he got her pregnant in july which i recently found out was aload of p o o coz she gave birth in middle of feb i think so would of been may n i no she wasnt early my mate knows her but when i went to see him he just blanked me out n i agreed to the kid said if u want to see it i will never stop u i want u to noo tha but then she started getting him laods of stuff like new x box surond sound n all giving him money n we was over his mates n i sed make sure she takes it to school n he went bloody nuts on me n i didnt even do anything at this point i was abot a month pregnant n didnt no i was 12 n a half weeks gone when i found out n i told him n he sed he would stick by me like hell did he he left me that same night on the fone didt even say its over went in a c o c ky voice YEH FINE SEE U TOMORROW n hung up he left me go through the termination all on my own after promising he wuld be there i didnt even have my mum coz she died when i was 11 all i had was my cuz n a pic of my mum ive never been so scared in my life n all i wanted was him there telling me it was ok but at that point i realised he wasnt going to come n just wished my mum was guna be there helping me, i now believe that he thought i was liying just coz he told me emma was pregnant he seen my dads mate down a pub 1 day while he was with emma n she told them abotu there...would say georgous but she ent no offence but shes nice(onabout emma) but a heathy baby girl called cara kenzie, ben then took my dads mate outside n asked him to get me 2 text himc oz things ent going well and he misses me, its annoying coz i honestly do still love him n dont think i will ever get over him like id love to give it aother chance but ill never forget when i was liying on the bed nearly crying in pain n then having to get put to sleep n having someone make you go through that all alone even when i said please can u be there my mum wont be like i hate him so much but have so much love for him at the same time i want to get back with him n i no thats the most stupidest things to say but all i think of is him, i think tho that the baby his and the 1 i got rid of would stop me things wouldnt be the same im hoping all i really want to do is just sit down and ask him what the hell went wrong why he did it all 2 me n that im not something anymore he can just pick up and drop things ot way more serious than anyone had ever imagened n just make him no how i felt like i no if anyone read this they will be like what she chatting like but ve had this on my mind for ageeeeeeeees n this seems the only wat 2 get it out to realised that he ent the perfect man of my dreams but he was bl oo dy well close 2 it i just cant believe i let myself get hurt liek that i promised my mum i wouldnt do it n i fell straight into an open ditch, i still have no idea what to do im scared if i see him again i will just fall back inlove n just wonder if ill ever forget him .......ahh well time wil tell if not he wasnt that hot n e ways haha

[delusianne]

Originally Posted by jadybaby123

right my ex was a sly cunning evil man!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....
wonder if ill ever forget him .......ahh well time wil tell if not he wasnt that hot n e ways haha

WOW

that is a work of art

seriously, I'm impressed. can I be your agent?

[lensy]

Hey you all out there who have been heartbroken, I have been through the process and i know how devastating it can be. I remember when it first happend to me i felt like i was melting away from this planet. It made me totally finished and i tried all the remedies like going out with friends, going out to watch a movie, i actually did the worst and got totally drunk for a number of weekends continous but at the end when i was all alone this empty feeling of being rejected would resurface and i would cry soo hard. I lost sooo much weight and people actually thought i had fallen sick. Until one fine morning i woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and had a long talk with myself. Why should you let somebody destroy you and make you feel like you are nothing and yet where they are they are living there life to the fullest. No matter how hard it is one has to be strong and where that good smile and confident look. Destroy all forms of contact with that person;emails, telephone numbers and try and avoid for a while all those joints you would visit together for a while until you are fit because there is a possibility of meeting again and you sliding back into the same process with the idiot again. I thought of myself later as the bible says we are all created in the image of God and are all equal before his eyes. Is that not wonderful? God is great so i thought of myself as a great person and with that the healing was so fast that i found myself fit once again. I also learnt a big lesson, When you get involved in a relationship avoid giving your heart 100% to the other person. give them just a portion of it and let the bigger portion belong to you. when you get into a relationship do not get into it with both feet let the other foot rest outside, but of course you do not have to let the person know that you are not committed to them. You are definately but most of all you are committed to yourself because you have to guard your heart because anything can happen and you do not want to go through that crap again.

Guard your hearts guys, its from the heart that life flows don't agree to be miserable and full of hate for something that can be avoided.

[mainesnowflake]

My thoughts on the reason we feel so badly after a break up is that we feel rejected and take it personally. It basically hurts our ego. We question our self worth. It is hard to separate ourselves from the situation. The issue is with the other person and their inability to continue with the relationship for what ever reason, you are not the problem. It is easier said than done but you can just take with you the memories of the relationship and learn from it. It sounds to me like you are way better off without this guy anyway. It sounds like you have a good thing now, good for you.

[Magnum Mike]

Heartbreak, Revenge.. and how to get over it all

Sometimes you can just let nature take its course and not have to worry about revenge.

I'm not the vengeful type, and I don't recommend for anybody to carry out revenge for things like heartbreaks. The best thing to do is move on with your life and don't look back.