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Old 09-01-2009, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,521 posts, read 27,014,072 times
Reputation: 88586

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Have you ever heard of Bill Engvall's Here's Your Sign Jokes? They are really funny. This is a sample of what they are like...lol.


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."




I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me "Hey, you going to Seattle?". "Nope, San Francisco...I'll be parachuting off in about an hour." Here's your sign!



I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" ..."Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Heres your sign!



I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it Raining?".."nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". heres your sign!



I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me "you think he's been hunting?".."Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." Here's your sign!



I am out in public...and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says "You using the phone?"..."Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume." Here's your sign!



There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time...and the directions said "Grease the BOTTOM of the pan." So, she greased the BOTTOM of the pan....You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!



We were in the park...flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?"..."Nope, we're fishing for birds." Here's your sign!



Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of
those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks
out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was
driving around and those other three just swelled right up on
me. Here's your sign."



A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine,
we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol
stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all
catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."




It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of
boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My
friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just
pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes
it takes. Here's your sign."




I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there (being the first one there) I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."



I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here ??" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago ... Here's your sign !!




I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I Said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's Your Sign



I'm at the airport, and they lost my luggage, so I go to the lost luggage department. I go up to the girl and say, "Excuse me, You Lost My Luggage", She said, "Has Your Plane Landed Yet", I Said, "No Princess, I'm Just Having an Out of Body Expereance... I'm Just Checking On It" There's Your Sign
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Arizona, The American Southwest
52,382 posts, read 30,506,239 times
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LOL.. Lisa, I enjoy watching Bill Engvall, he has a lot of good "Here's your sign jokes. I also enjoy watching Jeff "You might be a redneck" Foxworthy, Larry "Git 'er done" The Cable Guy, and Ron "Tater Salad" White. I have 3 of their DVDs when they did their shows together.

Here's another good one from Bill, this is one of my favorites:
A friend of mine came over and saw my 10-point elk trophy on the wall and he asked "Did you kill him?" and I said "Nope, he ran into the wall and got stuck there! Heeere's your sign!"..
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:25 AM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,521 posts, read 27,014,072 times
Reputation: 88586
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnum Mike View Post
LOL.. Lisa, I enjoy watching Bill Engvall, he has a lot of good "Here's your sign jokes. I also enjoy watching Jeff "You might be a redneck" Foxworthy, Larry "Git 'er done" The Cable Guy, and Ron "Tater Salad" White. I have 3 of their DVDs when they did their shows together.

Here's another good one from Bill, this is one of my favorites:
A friend of mine came over and saw my 10-point elk trophy on the wall and he asked "Did you kill him?" and I said "Nope, he ran into the wall and got stuck there! Heeere's your sign!"..
Funny. Have you ever seen Jeff Dunham? Different from the redneck crew but very funny. Especially his first one. I love Walter, lol.
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:39 AM
 
Location: following the wind of change
2,279 posts, read 3,557,854 times
Reputation: 4377
Default Found these two--lol

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."


We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See?
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
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Old 09-01-2009, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Somewhere Partly Cloudy
151 posts, read 245,461 times
Reputation: 106
haha those were great!
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Old 09-01-2009, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Arizona, The American Southwest
52,382 posts, read 30,506,239 times
Reputation: 91212
Quote:
Originally Posted by younglisa7 View Post
Funny. Have you ever seen Jeff Dunham? Different from the redneck crew but very funny. Especially his first one. I love Walter, lol.
Yes, I've seen him on Comedy Central a couple of times, and I enjoy his style of comedy.
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Old 09-01-2009, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Finally made it to Florida and lovin' every minute!
22,677 posts, read 17,403,423 times
Reputation: 17538
I love the "sign jokes".

Bill tells a longer one where he was leaving on business and, as the plane was taxiing down the runway, a deer ran in front of it and, of course, they hit and killed it, so they had to go back to the airport to have the plane checked out. He called his wife and told her, "Honey, you won't believe this, but our plane hit a deer!" After a long pause, she said, "Were you in the air???" Here's your sign.
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Old 09-01-2009, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Arizona, The American Southwest
52,382 posts, read 30,506,239 times
Reputation: 91212
Quote:
Originally Posted by nomoresnow View Post
I love the "sign jokes".

Bill tells a longer one where he was leaving on business and, as the plane was taxiing down the runway, a deer ran in front of it and, of course, they hit and killed it, so they had to go back to the airport to have the plane checked out. He called his wife and told her, "Honey, you won't believe this, but our plane hit a deer!" After a long pause, she said, "Were you in the air???" Here's your sign.
LOL.. Actually, I think he ends that one with:

.. and my wife asked, "Oh my God! Were you on the ground?", and I said "Nope, we were in the air and we hit Santa while he was making a last minute run! Heeere's your sign!"..
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Gary, WV & Springfield, ME
5,826 posts, read 8,794,904 times
Reputation: 17288
Magnum Mike has a sign, too. I've seen it.
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Old 09-01-2009, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Abilene, Texas
8,746 posts, read 7,926,681 times
Reputation: 55870
Funny stuff...LOL. I always enjoy these "Blue Collar Comedy" guys. For some reason Larry the Cable guy cracks me up the most but they're all funny.
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