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Old 02-27-2008, 07:24 PM
 
Location: finally in NC!
473 posts, read 515,597 times
Reputation: 286
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blond in Economy class gets up and moves to the First-Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, then walks over and asks to see her ticket. Then she tells the blond that because she had paid for Economy class, she'll have to return to Economy class.

The blond replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here.'


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in the First-Class section who belongs in Economy but won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy, she will have to leave First-Class and return to her seat.


The blond replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here.'



The co-pilot tells the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.


The pilot says, 'You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, and I speak fluent Blonde.'


He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, 'Oh, I didn't know. Thank you for telling me,' and gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.


The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


He replies, 'I just told her that First Class isn't going to Toronto.'

 
Old 02-28-2008, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Arlington Virginia
4,538 posts, read 5,426,170 times
Reputation: 9509
Grafitti on a wall.. It says..

MAKE BREAD NOT BOMBS!

And this is all scratched out and underneath is written..

TRIED BREAD - DIDN'T EXPLODE!
 
Old 02-28-2008, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Arlington Virginia
4,538 posts, read 5,426,170 times
Reputation: 9509
A farmer is out in his fields, leaning on a fence and watching the cars go by. A car pulls up and stops and a man gets out and asks.. "Hello Mr farmer. I see you have some buttercups in your field. Do you mind if I go out there and get some butter?"
The farmer thinks "silly city slicker" and replies "Sure go right ahead."
The car driver walks out over a hill and soon returns with a pot full of butter. The farmer is astounded.
Another day the farmer is out leaning on the fence when another car pulls up. The driver gets out and says "Hello Mr farmer. I see you have some milkweeds growing in your field. Do you mind if I go out there and get some milk?"
The farmer thinks "silly city slicker" and replies "Sure go right ahead."
The car driver walks out over a hill and soon returns with a bucket brim full of milk. The farmer is amazed.
Another day the farmer is out leaning on the fence when another car pulls up. The driver gets out and says "Hello Mr farmer. I see you have some pussywillows growing in your field. The farmer replies "Wait just a minute, till I get my hat and I'll go with you."
 
Old 02-28-2008, 12:22 PM
 
Location: AZ
18,845 posts, read 49,240,933 times
Reputation: 7649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nims View Post
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Classic!!!!!!!!
 
Old 02-28-2008, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Arlington Virginia
4,538 posts, read 5,426,170 times
Reputation: 9509
A blonde calls the fire department on 911 and exclaims "Help help, my house is on fire! Please come!" And then she is about to hang up when the dispatcher says "Wait, wait!" "You've got to tell us how to get to your home!" And the blonde replies "Well duh!... In a big red truck!"
 
Old 02-28-2008, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Arlington Virginia
4,538 posts, read 5,426,170 times
Reputation: 9509
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender comes over and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You do? Why do you have a drink named 'Bob' ?!"

Last edited by quiet walker; 02-28-2008 at 12:40 PM..
 
Old 02-28-2008, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Came-by-Chance
1,815 posts, read 349,638 times
Reputation: 579
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so
popular with men?


A man is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a
Normally conservative fellow, and is
Curious about his sudden change in
'fashion sense'
The man walks up to him and says,
'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only
An earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes,
But then his curiosity prods him to ask,
'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

 
Old 02-28-2008, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Miami
1,207 posts, read 2,104,990 times
Reputation: 1117
Here's a funny one.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."







“If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast.”—Psalm 139:9-10
 
Old 02-28-2008, 09:10 PM
 
12,496 posts, read 7,717,239 times
Reputation: 18685
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.
She puts on her robe to go downstairs and look for him. She find him at the
dining room table with a cup of coffee, staring at the blank wall in deep
thought. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye as he sips his coffee.

"Whats the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "I am just remembering when we first
started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks
solemnly.

"I do remember." she replies, touched to tears that her husband is so
caring and sensitive.

The husband pauses as his words do not come easily. Fighting the
emotions he asks "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember." she says as she sits next to him.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said '
Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 25 years!'?" he asks, choking back tears.

"Yes dear, I do remember that." she replies softly, placing her arm
around his shoulder.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have gotten out
today."
 
Old 02-29-2008, 03:26 PM
 
Location: Log home in the Appalachians
10,014 posts, read 6,346,420 times
Reputation: 6476
Here is a good explanation of politics:

Little boy goes to his dad and asks, What is Politics?

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to his bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored while the Future is in deep S**T"!!
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