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Old 03-07-2012, 10:42 AM
 
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
12,176 posts, read 10,792,688 times
Reputation: 34926

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In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

 
Old 03-07-2012, 12:03 PM
 
Location: From TX to VA
8,487 posts, read 2,622,380 times
Reputation: 7651
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.
 
Old 03-08-2012, 10:21 AM
 
7,339 posts, read 7,746,363 times
Reputation: 6689
Ahh sorry about the html code. Copy pasted it from my work email

[LEFT][SIZE=4]A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]Major and asked, [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man. Is [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]something bothering you?' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]you have seen a lot of action?'' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]''Yes,ma'am, a lot of action.' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]way, but when is the last time you had sex?' ' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]'1955,' he replied. [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]I mean, no sex since 1955! [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]him several times. [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, 'Wow, [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4][/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I [/SIZE][/LEFT]
[LEFT][SIZE=4]hope not; it's only 2130 now.' [/SIZE][/LEFT]
 
Old 03-08-2012, 11:17 AM
 
Location: From TX to VA
8,487 posts, read 2,622,380 times
Reputation: 7651
Skel -
OMG! That ending caught me by surprise. I loved it! (even with the HTML code).





Hint - copy into Notepad first, then over to CD. All that code disappears.
 
Old 03-08-2012, 02:29 PM
 
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
12,176 posts, read 10,792,688 times
Reputation: 34926
Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain't dat grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?" His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty."
 
Old 03-08-2012, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Hermoso y tranquilo Panamá
11,856 posts, read 5,674,898 times
Reputation: 46795
Quote:
Originally Posted by motormaker View Post
Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain't dat grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?" His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty."
LMAO Excellent MM
 
Old 03-08-2012, 11:39 PM
 
12,787 posts, read 8,272,254 times
Reputation: 19091
Default Secrets to a happy marriage...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario
and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a
long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,
and electric bread maker. Then she said,
"There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver
said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause
of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start
with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created
woman............
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives?...............
Because they want to
 
Old 03-08-2012, 11:45 PM
 
Location: southern california
50,303 posts, read 47,653,355 times
Reputation: 41681
what is the definition of a tank. a vehicle russians use to visit their friends.
what is the definition of a bradley, very similar.
 
Old 03-09-2012, 12:03 AM
 
Location: The Chatterdome in La La Land, CaliFUNia
37,789 posts, read 12,158,671 times
Reputation: 34047
Did you hear about the chef who got in trouble with the county health inspectors?
He cooks chicken and peas in the same pot ...
 
Old 03-09-2012, 11:26 AM
 
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
12,176 posts, read 10,792,688 times
Reputation: 34926
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues."

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?

The cabby replied; "I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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