Joke & Humor Thread Official (house, buy, phone, letter)

[Dallas Kitty]

Love it!

Originally Posted by HelloWorldItsMe

This is a joke that my son used to tell when he was little. I think it's cute.

A chicken walks into a bar.

He sits down and next to him is a man.

They turn to each other and the man says

my name is..Bond...

James..Bond...

and the chicken says..

my name is..Ken...

Chic..Ken..

[LilyLady]

I love coming here and reading all these jokes.

Thanks for sharing, everybody!

[motormaker]

Irish Logic

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

"You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute Luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower,and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then,as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[elnina]

"I Didn't Do it"
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous replied.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/532981_345122028880340_249451158447428_985931_3977 13304_n.jpg (broken link)

[motormaker]

Miss Beatrice,
*
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old* Hammond** organ,the young*
minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated. of all
things,a condom! * When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[Dallas Kitty]

Originally Posted by elnina

"I Didn't Do it"

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Perfect! Love the pic! Five kids tearing down the place and she's pregnant with #6! Dog eating spaghetti!

[elnina]

^^^ But obviously, when everything was clean and neat, her husband thought she just stay home and do nothing...

[ans57]

Originally Posted by elnina

^^^ But obviously, when everything was clean and neat, her husband thought she just stay home and do nothing...

That's what gave me the belly laugh!

[motormaker]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, Doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you! An absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Steve Bagu]

The SEX in Starbucks reminds me of a somewhat situation joke.

A couple went to a Sex therapist for their problems.

Woman says her husband always wants Sex at the most unrealistic times when she is at that time of the month or preparing dinner for company and soforth etc.

Man says the wife is always giving excuses for refusing his advances since at his older age cannot always rise to the occasion (us guys know what that means).

Dr suggests that they compromise. She should give in to his sudden urge and have the quickie when the arousal occures while he should be more considerate as to her month time and the household chores like preparing meals etc.

Dr suggests they try to accommodate each other for a couple of weeks and later return to discuss the results.

Couple leave and return after 2-3 weeks.

Dr asks how things went and both were estatic and cheerful with large smiles.

Wife said he would leave her alone during the month time and also when she was preparing dinner or doing household chores.

Man said that she stopped complaining about his unusal Sex desires and when/where they occurred.

Dr say's..."Thats great you both have compromised and are being Sexually compatible to fill the needs.

Man says..."Well Yes and No but there is a bigger problem now".

Dr asks..."What problem can there be as your both having wonderful Sex based upon the smiles you both have.

Man says..."We were shopping and my wife was bending over looking inside the frozen food case. She was wearing a tight fitting dress that showed her tiny Thong and I got aroused and just gave it to her right there and then. We are not allowed to shop at Safeway mkt anymore".