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Old 05-06-2012, 01:56 PM
 
Location: High Cotton
6,068 posts, read 3,372,917 times
Reputation: 3526
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve Bagu View Post
Another Blond joke of sorts............

Blond is filling out a work application form .

She fills in her name, address, phone number (usual stuff).

When she comes to the small box to check which Sex (M/F) she pauses for a couple of mins and then prints in very small letters.......(what do you think it was?)...........occasionally was correct.
SEX: Once at the beach

 
Old 05-07-2012, 09:30 AM
 
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
11,569 posts, read 10,036,219 times
Reputation: 33461
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
 
Old 05-07-2012, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
7,018 posts, read 4,755,856 times
Reputation: 9173
Default Ok!

2 Muffins are in a microwave. One muffin says "Hey, It's getting warm in here".

The other muffin goes holy s**t! A talking muffin!

I better keep my day job.....
 
Old 05-07-2012, 04:38 PM
 
6,782 posts, read 3,375,613 times
Reputation: 11869
Young lady marries an elderly man
She decides they should have separate rooms so as not overtax her husband.
On their wedding night he taps on the door and proceeds to perform like a teenager.
Two hours later he returns to her room and repeats his performance.
Twice more he returns and ravishes his new bride
She exclaims that she has never had such a partner with such vigor.
She tells him that maybe twice in a night was a miracle to which he replies.
"Was I here before?"

 
Old 05-08-2012, 06:06 AM
 
Location: From TX to VA
8,292 posts, read 2,307,550 times
Reputation: 7389
MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first (Milton) said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second (Michael) said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third (Marvin) said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth (Melvin) said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her thank you notes.

She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama
 
Old 05-08-2012, 09:23 AM
 
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
11,569 posts, read 10,036,219 times
Reputation: 33461
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is, "I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second" So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there,done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having being fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work,all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew.....
 
Old 05-08-2012, 10:37 AM
 
7,175 posts, read 7,097,262 times
Reputation: 6467


 
Old 05-08-2012, 10:58 AM
 
6,782 posts, read 3,375,613 times
Reputation: 11869
Quote:
Originally Posted by motormaker View Post
Calling in sick .....
.... "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew.....




Visualizing this has left me in tears!!!!
 
Old 05-08-2012, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Back Home In TN…YAY:):)
15,772 posts, read 15,387,301 times
Reputation: 72256
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.


Happy Gardening!!!!!!
 
Old 05-08-2012, 04:30 PM
 
6,782 posts, read 3,375,613 times
Reputation: 11869
Don' t tell me you can read this without laughing... I
laughed till I cried!!! ( Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is
to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong??

There I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!*****!%!@*!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that
hurt like heck!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Earl
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