Don' t tell me you can read this without laughing... I
laughed till I cried!!! ( Only a guy would do this!)
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is
to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong??
There I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it,'
reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!*****!%!@*!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that
hurt like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,