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Old 05-28-2008, 11:35 PM
 
Location: S.Dak
17,972 posts, read 5,956,710 times
Reputation: 24011

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Speeding A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. 'This is great,' he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw

a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he tromped it some more and

flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing.'

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. 'Sir,' he said,

looking at his watch. 'My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can

give me a reason why you were speeding that Iíve never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked at the trooper and said, 'Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper,

and I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the Trooper.

 
Old 05-29-2008, 01:40 PM
 
Location: S.Dak
17,972 posts, read 5,956,710 times
Reputation: 24011
DIVORCE VS.
MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do
you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Old 05-30-2008, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Log home in the Appalachians
10,103 posts, read 6,754,193 times
Reputation: 6511
A man comes running into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have a baby in the cab!" I grab my stuff, rush out to the cab, lifted the ladies dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs--- and I was in the wrong one...
 
Old 05-30-2008, 03:36 PM
 
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
12,188 posts, read 10,808,132 times
Reputation: 34979
Funny poetry

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'

So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well , I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'A six-and-seven-eighths.'

'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

'That's what I use to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
 
Old 06-01-2008, 04:48 PM
 
12,790 posts, read 8,284,117 times
Reputation: 19114
Southern Skinny Dippin'...

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
 
Old 06-01-2008, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Log home in the Appalachians
10,103 posts, read 6,754,193 times
Reputation: 6511
One day I was the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart"
 
Old 06-01-2008, 08:04 PM
 
Location: still in exile......
29,910 posts, read 5,552,000 times
Reputation: 5904
one day a guy goes to the doctor to tell him he has a swollen testicle, so he tells the doctor, "if i show you my swollen testicle you swear you won't laugh?", so the doctor days "sure, i won't laugh", so the guy puts a HUGE testicle the size of a basketball on the table, and the doctor starts laughing hysterically, so the guy says "ok doc, now i won't show you the swollen one".

 
Old 06-02-2008, 08:31 AM
 
Location: S.Dak
17,972 posts, read 5,956,710 times
Reputation: 24011
TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS

12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I 'd Be Out Of Prison
By Now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up
With a Few
 
Old 06-02-2008, 09:18 AM
 
Location: S.Dak
17,972 posts, read 5,956,710 times
Reputation: 24011
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

1. the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
(Love it!)

6. the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. the baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

10. the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Bubbas Barbecue.

11. the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

13. the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah.”
 
Old 06-03-2008, 07:08 PM
 
428 posts, read 1,162,198 times
Reputation: 271
Sven and Ole were in the unemployment line. Sven got to the front first, and the conversation went as follows:

Clerk: Occupation?
Sven: Panty stitcher.
Clerk: Hmm, I have an application for you for a job at $6.50 an hour.

Sven takes the app and begins to fill it out. Ole reaches the desk.

Clerk: Occupation?
Ole: Diesel fitter.
Clerk: I have something here for $32.00 an hour (hands Ole application).

Sven to clerk: Hey, vhy is Ole gettin' such a high-paying offer?
Clerk: Well, his job is much more technically complex...
Sven: Ole, tell de lady vhat you do.
Ole: Vell, first Sven stitches de panties, den I stretch 'em like dis, and say "Yah, diesel fitter."
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