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Old 08-20-2008, 06:38 PM
 
Location: So. of Rosarito, Baja, Mexico
6,987 posts, read 21,850,957 times
Reputation: 7007

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Having just returned from the hospital after having spinal surgery reminded me of a Nurse joke. A young pretty student nurse was checking patients in her ward and came upon an elderly man who appeared to be on his deathbed. She noticed that his blood pressure was very low and breathing shallow and did not know what to do. In desperation she reached under the sheets and gave the man an Illegal hand massage. 30 mins later a physcian came into the room and was puzzeled to see the man with pink cheeks and a large smile on his face. She sure learnd fast and had quick thinking to save a mans life.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Came-by-Chance
1,793 posts, read 1,444,339 times
Reputation: 579
Not my day


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY, I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'
 
Old 08-26-2008, 04:36 PM
 
Location: The 719
17,910 posts, read 27,303,698 times
Reputation: 17175
Default another Irish joke ...

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irishman...

"Those fellas at FORD think of everything."
 
Old 08-26-2008, 04:45 PM
 
Location: The 719
17,910 posts, read 27,303,698 times
Reputation: 17175
Default Men are just happier people

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
Old 08-26-2008, 04:50 PM
 
Location: The 719
17,910 posts, read 27,303,698 times
Reputation: 17175
Default Chuck

Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.
 
Old 08-26-2008, 05:01 PM
 
Location: The 719
17,910 posts, read 27,303,698 times
Reputation: 17175
Default A Pirate Joke

A Pirate Joke

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.

Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate, "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender, "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them chit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird chit?"

Pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."
 
Old 08-27-2008, 02:15 PM
 
Location: The 719
17,910 posts, read 27,303,698 times
Reputation: 17175
Default Leaning to the Right a bit

Got me a new truck!

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer
yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of
their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some kids ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, @$s Holes!'

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this truck!
 
Old 08-27-2008, 03:04 PM
 
12,981 posts, read 14,488,579 times
Reputation: 19739
My men are very brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

Last edited by fuzzymystic; 08-27-2008 at 04:39 PM..
 
Old 08-28-2008, 04:10 PM
 
Location: The 719
17,910 posts, read 27,303,698 times
Reputation: 17175
Default The Farmers Rooster

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls, then returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" replied Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and his thing is out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our ages we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so, too," said Mildred. "But, this one's eating my popcorn."
 
Old 08-29-2008, 06:57 AM
 
622 posts, read 3,107,899 times
Reputation: 305
"Your mother"... No, not YOUR mother, but it's a "your mother" joke... lol

Your mother is so stupid, that she went to the movies and the sign said "Under 17 not admitted", so she went back home and got 16 of her friends.
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