Joke & Humor Thread Official (Orlando, free, house, the best)

[zonababe]

Originally Posted by wordsmith680

Wisdom Of A Retiree



I've often been asked, "What in the world do you old folks do now that you're retired?"

Well.. ..I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And we're pretty damn good at it, too.

Now if you could turn water into wine, you'd have something!

[GloryB]

Santa: So little girl, what do you want for Christmas?
Girl: I want a Barbie that comes with a GI Joe.
Santa: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?
Girl: No, Barbie comes with GI Joe.....she only fakes it with Ken.

(This could be too racy for CD....if so.....feel free to remove with my apologies.)

[zonababe]

Originally Posted by GloryB

Santa: So little girl, what do you want for Christmas?
Girl: I want a Barbie that comes with a GI Joe.
Santa: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?
Girl: No, Barbie comes with GI Joe.....she only fakes it with Ken.

(This could be too racy for CD....if so.....feel free to remove with my apologies.)

No the racy joke was, What's gray and comes in pints?

[stacieberry]

Ok this is lame but my favorite joke!*********** three old men were sitting around talking about getting old and forgetful. The first man said " I will be on the steps and forget if I am going up or down"The second man said "oh that is nothing I will be at the refrigerator and forget if I am putting something in or getting something out" the third man said "I am glad I am not that bad yet. Knock on wood. (and he knocks on wood) then he yelled " Come in"*********** LOL I love this one hehe!

[~HolyNinja~]

A man was walking on a beach and saw a girl with no arms or legs. She was crying, so he asked her why. She said it was because she turned 21 that day and had never been kissed. She was cute enough and no one was looking so the man gave her a kiss. She smiled and felt much better. The man went on his way and on his way back a few hours later he saw the same girl with no arms or legs crying on the beach. He asked her why she was crying again. She said "Ya know I'm 21 today and I'v never been skroowd." She kept sobbing. The man scratched his head, thought, looked around and then picked the girl up. She smiled. He carried her over to the ocean, threw her in and yelled, "Ya are now!"

[younglisa7]

A nice, calm and respect able lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.


Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[Charley]

HUH???

[ShadowCaver]

Well, a lady friend sent this to me... and yea, I did laugh




MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but thats about it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot and they're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they take along time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Snow Storms, you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Newborn Babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Laxatives, they irritate the **** out of you.

[sterlinggirl]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[sterlinggirl]

Erchie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's plans for his forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,the minister, even ma stag night..."

Erchie nods approvingly.

"Hivvens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Erchie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Erchie then enquires.

"Ach," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."