Joke & Humor Thread Official (Miami, driver, house, best)

[fuzzymystic]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his privates?'

Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here a home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

[sterlinggirl]

Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail.

Q. What's the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q. What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A. Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q. What's an extroverted accountant?
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Q. What's an auditor?
A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depreciation.

[~HolyNinja~]

It's been said that we would have a black president in the USA when pigs flew.
One hundred days into President Obama's presidency, behold: swine flu!

[sterlinggirl]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had
serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept
to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our
bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his
hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to
you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for
the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,
"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church,
and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You
are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently
offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?
"The minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"

Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said
in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think
you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know
f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie,
just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-wou ld
yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m -me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

[McGowdog]

What do you call a person who doesn't fart in public?




A private tutor.http://www.thesobervillage.com/forums/images/smilies/laie_67.gif (broken link)http://www.thesobervillage.com/forums/images/smilies/celebration.gif (broken link)

[ZonyPony]

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash...

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker...

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I... Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now...

Paul Simon ---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver...

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times... to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts...

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair...

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping...

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone...

Abba ---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman , Hear Me Snore.


Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To...


And Last but NOT least:
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again!

[Mike from back east]

Sunday Morning Sex


You will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued..'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

[Suncoast Guy]

Etch-A-Sketch...
[SIZE=2]... [/SIZE] [SIZE=2]Memo From the Computer Help Desk...

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Dec. 31,1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.[/SIZE]

[mkfarnam]

Originally Posted by Suncoast Guy

Etch-A-Sketch...
[SIZE=2]... [/SIZE] [SIZE=2]Memo From the Computer Help Desk...

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Dec. 31,1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.[/SIZE]

Q: What ISP supports this?
A:

[Suncoast Guy]

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...

10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.
8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.

and the number one change....

1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."