Tantrums- let them go or stop them? (milk, support, mother-in-law)

[LookinForMayberry]

As a parent, you are responsible to prepare your child for life as an adult. Anger management is one of those skills expected of an adult in society. If you, as an adult, had a tantrum, would that be considered acceptable in society? I don't think so.

Teach your children to be adults and society won't have to.

[NCyank]

Originally Posted by nightcrawler

Thank you,
I am happy to see I am not the only parent that will not tolerate tantrums.
I also still stand by everything I have said.

I never considered that we 'tolerated' tantrums because we didn't escalate them by introducing corporal punishment to an already emotional and out of control situation. Granted, on a scale of one to ten our kids never had a tantrum over a level four but I still don't see how spanking them would have helped at that moment. They were already upset, they were already crying...spanking doesn't change that, it makes it worse. There may be a place to do so, but not in our case.

Even if you spank a child out of a tantrum (which I might have to see to believe) it needs to be addressed in a more rational manner afterward. I'd rather respond to the overall situation than simply react to the tantrum itself...understanding that the response may include a spanking.

It seems there are two main points of view....ignore the tantrum (even to the point of inflicting it upon strangers in a grocery store!!) or spank the kid to make them stop. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It was more useful for us to concentrate on what happened AFTER the tantrum....which, IMO, is far more important than what you do at the moment the tantrum occurs. A spanking may stop a tantrum or it may stop on it's own (eventually) but it will happen again if your child doesn't know a better way to express themselves to you. Concentrating on avoiding and preventing the tantrums means you have fewer to deal with and your child begins to understand how to control themselves, communicate in an acceptable way, etc. Being able to stop a tantrum quickly should not be the goal. The goal is to eliminate tantrums altogether and then you don't have to worry about how you are going to handle them.

[NoExcuses]

Originally Posted by jkcoop

I could have told this story the EXACT same way LOL! Just substitute brother for sister. Must have been something grandmothers did back then. There were four of us kids and my sister was the only one prone to tantrums. We always joked later that it was the middle child thing.

We have smart grandmas!!! They didn't put up with much bad behavior. Everything is so over-analyzed these days.

Originally Posted by renovating

Here's some very good advice for handling tantrums:


Temper Tantrums: Guidelines for Parents
From the article:

There are a number of ways to handle a temper tantrum. Strategies include the following:

• Remain calm
• Think before you act.
• Try to intervene before the child is out of control.
• You can positively distract the child
• You can place the child in time away.
• You can ignore the tantrum
• Hold the child who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else.
• If the child has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the child to time-out (see “Resources”).
• Talk with the child after the child has calmed down.

• Or if you REALLY want the tantrum to stop, put a little water in a cup and pour it in his/her face.

[pamelaBeurman]

Hopes, how many kids so you have? I can tell you from experience (mother of 5) that there is no 'one size fits all' solution. When my oldest daughter was about 2, she would throw tantrums like you wouldn't believe. One day I had all I could take, so I laid on the floor next to her and threw my own tantrum. Worked like a charm! She NEVER threw another one. Each child is unique and you need a solution that is unique to them.

[Dorthy]

Originally Posted by syracusa

Try some hard ones and a serious, I-mean-business approach (aka parent's backbone) and they're still not going to disable the child for life.
Mine received his share because that was THE ONLY thing that would put an end to his meltdowns. Ignoring him was making the tantrum 100 times worse and longer.

He is now a very well-adjusted, very pleasent, communicative and well-behaved child whose preschool teachers can't stop ooohing and aghing over his manners, confidence, social and verbal skills, open-ness and politeness - the works.

If this is what hard spankings do - it ain't too bad of a deal.

I myself, like some of the posters above, believe that the entire "treat the tantrum as if you're walking on egg shells" mantra is just a product of the past half a century of junk, PC parenting advice from so called "experts".

Most parents though have bought into this approach - and they truly believe in it.

Funny, I have a very sensitive dd who can be a handful at times. She was speaking in full sentences from a very early age so communication was not the problem with her either. I have never spanked her for having a tantrum and she also gets comments in public about being such a well behaved polite little girl little. I think you are giving the spankings more credit then they deserve.

Tantrums are normal between the ages of 2 and 4. She had some doozies during that time period but has outgrown that stage as well as has learned other coping strategies such as taking deep breaths and generally just being more reasonable and patient than she used to be. Imo, time had more to do with it then anything else. She is 4 and still has her moments but they are almost always related to being overtired, hungry or overstimulated.

For me, ignoring is not treating it like walking on eggshells. It's choosing not to engage with someone who is out of control and allowing them time and space to get a hold of their emotions on their own. I'm betting most parents also talk with their kids about calming strategies in moments of calm. I've talked with my dd about taking deep breaths when she's getting upset in times of calm and she's actually used this many times to stop herself from melting down.

[NJGOAT]

Some good points raised all around and it is interesting reading others responses. While I wouldn't hit my child over a tantrum, splashing some water seems like a good tactic to help snap them out of it.

It's obvious that kids have tantrums for different reasons. Ours were generally do to outside influences; tired, bored, overstimulated and weren't necessarily tied to them manipulating us to do something. The grocery store incident happened at 8pm and if we were smart we would have never taken him to the store at that time. As aidxen pointed out identifying the triggers and setting them up for success is important. Now with three kids, my wife and I know the exact time of day and how many stops we can get out of them before trouble starts and we spread the shopping out to keep in our window.

The other good point that I believe Hopes brought up was what happens after the tantrum. It is very key to have a conversation about what happened to help you identify the triggers and teach your child the way you expect them to handle the situation again.

[NoExcuses]

Originally Posted by liloulou

Personally our biggest struggles and tantrums happen when she can't have something or can't do something she wants, and will throw a fit for a good 15-25 minutes if I ignore it.

That's because it works for her.

Originally Posted by Momma_bear

This sort of thinking assumes that the reason for the tantrum is purposeful, that the child intends to have a tantrum as a way to manipulate the parent into giving him what he wants. I believe that most tantrums are caused by a child not being able to communicate well with the parent and getting frustrated. Usually this happens when the child is tired or overstimulated, but not always.

Tantrums ARE purposeful. AND THEY WORK!!!

Originally Posted by Momma_bear

If you believe that a 3 year old is that manipulative more power to you. I believe that this happens more often as a result of a child being over tired, over stimulated, upset at something and is a spur of the moment event (not purposeful).

And you don't think a 3 year old can be manipulative??? Are you joking???? TINY BABIES CAN BE MANIPULATIVE.

I babysat for my cousin's 5 children (ages 4 months-8) for an entire summer when I was 14. The older 4 were all girls; the baby, a boy. That baby boy could get what he wanted just by opening his mouth. When the girls were all outside playing and I was cleaning house and watching the baby, he would start crying. If I didn't pick him up, he would get louder.

At first I picked him up instantly because I hated to hear a baby cry. I'd cuddle him and play, then put him back down. Each time he cried, one of his sisters would come in and coo and play with him as well.

Then I got smart. When he started to cry when I put him down, I'd wait a minute until it escalated. If I took one step closer to him, he'd stop and get all excited to be picked up. If I didn't, he'd cry louder. He was dry, fed and not tired. HE HAD LEARNED HOW TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE SO THEY WOULD PICK HIM UP. He had 4 sisters and 2 parents at his beckon call. He then quickly learned that when I was babysitting it did no good to cry to be held and played with.

He was 4 months old at that time. Don't tell me that kids at 3 don't manipulate.

Originally Posted by Momma_bear

Of course they should, but toddlers are works in progress. They are still learning how to behave properly. That's why it's so important to keep them in situations where meltdowns are not likely AND to put them in situations where success if likely. The more success they have, the more opportunities you have to say "You sat like a gentleman in the restaurant. I am so proud of you!!"

This a very good approach. As I mention above, setting kids up for success is very important. I think successful LONG TERM behavior is a series of setting kids up for success and then rewarding that success.

I am sure that your strategy of setting the kids up for success has a lot to do with the lack of tantrums. We never had many tantrums from our kids but I attribute that to the fact that all of our kids were verbal at a young age, thus they really did not experience the frustration of not having appropriate language skills. We also avoided over stimulation and over tiredness.

God how I miss the old days.

I would NEVER put a 3 year old in the position of controlling me so he/she doesn't get out of control. That just wouldn't happen in my house.

[goodmanm]

My parents used spanking as a form of discipline when I was growing up as did we when our kids were young. To be quite honest we found other forms of punishment to be more effective without having to get physical with the kids.

I've had to remove my kids from public situations before. One time I was in WalMart with my daughter when she started up. It got to the point where I had to take her out of the store. When I got to the front of the store I overheard a comment from someone saying 'did you hear that child', yeah it was that loud they heard it in the front. Anyway went back out to the car, daughter finally collected herself, and we went back in to finish shopping.

My son was much more difficult and at times had to be physically restrained so he wouldn't hurt himself.

By 'letting them go' you are teaching them that they won't get their way. As others have stated it applies both in and out of the home.

[Momma_bear]

Originally Posted by NoExcuses

Tantrums ARE purposeful. AND THEY WORK!!!

And you don't think a 3 year old can be manipulative??? Are you joking???? TINY BABIES CAN BE MANIPULATIVE.

I guess that explains why you think punishment is appropriate. If you believe that most tantrums are purposeful that would explain why you feel punishment is appropriate.

BTW-It's not that 3 year olds can't be manipulative. I just don't think that most of them are manipulative most of the time.

Originally Posted by NoExcuses

I would NEVER put a 3 year old in the position of controlling me so he/she doesn't get out of control. That just wouldn't happen in my house.

Setting the household schedule with the capabilities of a toddler in mind is not allowing the child to control you. I have not set up an adversarial relationship with my children. They are now 11, 14 next month, 16 and we have a good, open line of communication with all of them. I believe it is because my husband and I have retained authority in the household WITHOUT setting our relationships up as adversarial.

[renovating]

Originally Posted by LookinForMayberry

As a parent, you are responsible to prepare your child for life as an adult. Anger management is one of those skills expected of an adult in society. If you, as an adult, had a tantrum, would that be considered acceptable in society? I don't think so.

Teach your children to be adults and society won't have to.

Originally Posted by NoExcuses

Or if you REALLY want the tantrum to stop, put a little water in a cup and pour it in his/her face.[/list]

And, if their preschool teacher did this......