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Okay Folks, thanks for weighing in. Here's the real and rest of the Charly story: this hitting incident took place 4.5 years ago. Since then Charly has taken to hitting his mother, his brothers, his teachers, his father, his guidance counselor, his grandmother, anyone really who tells him 'no' or demands he 'must' do something. His parents have put him on meds, he has no friends since he has already slugged all of them. And the parents? Wondering what is wrong with Charly that he can't control his 'impulsive behavior'. He was basically thrown out of public school for slugging the assistant principle and in his private school for 'challenging' children, they are at wits end. Yet, the parents just keep saying to the family 'we don't understand Charly' and make the most imaginative excuses as to why he has no friends, why he refuses to learn anything, he basically just decides what he does and does not want to do. The parents accept this now as his being 'special needs'. Yah, his special need is discipline. I see all his problems stemming from the attitude they displayed the day Charly slugged me while I was playing piano with him and their insistence that Charly did nothing wrong (Charly never really does anything wrong...he has never ever been punished with any clarity to the cause) but that I did by reprimanding him. It may have been the last time he was reprimanded is my guess.
So what is to become of Charly? He is going to be sent away. Maybe thats the best thing for him, to be taken out of that environment where he is further damaged by dysfunctional parentage and where he is suffering from affluenza: Money fixes everything. Shrinks, meds, special schools, more meds, more therapy....poor kid. His problems start and end with his parents. OK, there may be some other underlying issue not clear to me (as the parents claim) but special needs kids need the same discipline as ANY other kids.
I never take the initiative to visit them; it is a nightmare of the highest order. I can never say anything really critical of their parenting or I would be persona non grata because as you now know, I just don't understand Charly. There is another younger child behind Charly who sees what he gets away with and she too has learned to manipulate the push-over parents who don't want the little sister to .... you guessed it....have a bad day.
Please....take this as a cautionary tale. Put strict limits and discipline on your kids. NO means NO. Children are not to be 'negotiated' with, children need to have 'bad days' when they face strict discipline. Don't let your kid become a tragedy like Charly. Here is a kid who needed limits, a good whack once in a while and who needed structure, limits and discipline. He is a charming, sweet kid when he wants to be, but he is manipulative so he can get what he wants, is "Yes" to everything he wants. It is beyond sad that this child's life is in the balance and the parents who don't want to own up to it and make the hard choices to change course. There is no shame in admitting failure; there is shame in not doing the right thing. And they won't. Sending Charly away is the solution. I am heartbroken.
that is sad. He sounds like a kid in my son's K class. I have no idea if it is a lack of discipline or if the kid really has a "special need." I even started a thread about my son's classmate. He would throw things when he got frustrated - everything from pencils to furniture. The teacher(s) would rub his shoulders and talk softly to him to calm him down. He ended up punching a little girl in the face and hasn't been back to school since.
Because of the way this kid was dealt with, I assume he had an IEP and some kind of "special need." Your nephew could actually have a special need too. Where are they sending him to?
Special needs children do need discipline, but as always discipline must be adapted to the child and to any special needs.
A child who is constantly hitting people is not a happy child in any way. He needs structure. He may or may not need medication. He is now 11 if I have your timeline right. That means that he is heading into puberty which can make things worse. Certainly, he needs the ability to understand when his behavior is wrong and it doesn't sound as though his parents can teach it to him. He may actually have a better chance of learning this in a placement outside of his home at this point. Unfortunately, too many residential placements are abusive to the kids which will not help him.
What other family does he have? Are any of them willing and able to take him and help him? Would they be able to if they had help from someone who knows what to do. Frankly, this child sounds very confused as well as very unhappy.
Sounds like he has some sort of problem, not just a need for discipline. From the little I've read, it sounds to me like possible Asperger's (high functioning autism), Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or Sensory Integration Disorder, or who knows what else. Without the proper diagnosis and treatment, these kids just get worse and worse.
Sounds like he needs a complete psychological evaluation to get to the bottom of his behaviors and get the kid some help.
Please, please, PLEASE don't assume all obnoxious children are special needs. Some are. Some, OTOH, are only diagnosable with RBCI (Raised By Complete Idiots) Syndrome.
Please, please, PLEASE don't assume all obnoxious children are special needs. Some are. Some, OTOH, are only diagnosable with RBCI (Raised By Complete Idiots) Syndrome.
Likewise, not all special needs kids act badly.
Oh, believe me, I don't. The twins who live down the street from me, same age as my son, are total brats with no discipline and completely disrespect their parents regularly. They run that household and the whole neighborhood knows it. It's really sad. But, their parents are getting exactly what they're asking for...kids who think the world revolves around them and don't know how to act appropriately.
My son has Asperger's and I've been told by too many people, both before and after his diagnosis, that's he's a problem child and needs more discipline. Well, he gets the same exact discipline as my neurotypical daughter, but with his disability he can't process things as well. It takes much more repetition, etc, to get things through his head. So when I hear people automatically assume that a child is a problem, it makes me think that maybe it needs to be looked into a little deeper.
Of course, this is an online forum. None of us knows the whole story, not even the OP since it's not his child. The uncle should NOT have been asked to apologize, and the child should most definitely be punished.
Last edited by firefightermom; 06-14-2010 at 12:09 PM..
My guess is that these parents have an excuse for everything and I'm betting they've got problems beyond Charly and how they parent him.
How tremendously sad.
To get "sent away" is basically telling the child HE is the failure. I truly hope there is a person out there who can figure this mess out and get Charly back on track. And they better keep and eye on little sister because my bet is she has her problems too.
Cwaggy, it looks like you're the one person who truly cares about Charly. Bless you for that because he needs someone in his corner.
Do I get involved in this post, or not? Hmmm... Eh, why not?
I have 5 children, 3 boys and 2 girls. 21 year old (step) son: Senior in college. Free ride financially. Still lives at home, but is well aware that he has much more than most of his friends. Really personable, but also really sensitive. Got into the typical ornery teenage boy problems, but overall a good kid.
19 year old (step) daughter: Until now, has been a problem child. Rotten attitude, suspended from school, ultimately ending up in alternative education until they couldn't take her anymore. Committed crimes, abused illicit drugs, never punished for a thing in her life until the department of corrections sent her to jail. Her mom always got her out of any punishment she faced. Being sent away from the environment in which she was worshipped was the best thing to ever happen to her.
17 year old daughter: Heading to college soon 5 hours away with a substantial scholarship and her own apartment, for which she is responsible. She also has that typical teen atutide, but is overall a good kid wtih a good head on her shoulders.
16 year old son: Autistic Spectrum Disorder and profound bilateral hearing loss. Honor roll student and gentle giant. He is a gifted artist, and despite his disabilities, tries valiantly to communicate. He wants desperately to fit in. When he was 8, I realized that I was unable to provide for him the environment he needed. Being sent away was the best thing that ever happened to him, too. His behavior has improved 100-fold, and he's never been happier.
8 year old son: Asperger's disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. He is very animated, but has learned, much like a previous poster pointed out, that he needs to control his behaviors in some settings. He also knows that it's ok to relax and be himself at home, self stim and all.
I love all of my children equally, of course, but the ones I'm the proudest of are the ones who have overcome the most adversity. Whether or not they were special needs, all my kids felt the repercussions of having out of control siblings. It's hard as a parent to recognize when what's best for your child is to just let someone else help you. I know that because of the adversities they have either seen or personally overcome, all of them will be contributing members of society. Some of them just had to learn the lessons in a more difficult way than others.
And yes, sometimes troubled kids are special needs, and sometimes they just need a whoopin'. It's not always easy to figure out which is which. Some kids fall into both categories, I know mine do! Whatever the special needs status of the child, they cannot ever be excused from discipline. In fact, they may need it more than other kids.
Read (or watch) "The Miracle Worker" by William Gibson. It's the story of Helen Keller, and it made me weep. She was just a good kid in need of discipline, and when she finally got it, it changed her whole life... and history.
~D
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