U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 06-19-2010, 08:21 AM
 
4,965 posts, read 3,953,713 times
Reputation: 2918

Advertisements

Hi there
I have a problem that seems to be getting bigger as my sons are getting bigger. I have two boys ; 10 & 11. They are good kids ; not perfect, but good ; decent grades, mannerly, do what they are told to, basically your average run of the mill good kids.

Their father, who I have been married to for 22 years is having an issue with them growing older. Lately he has been depressed wont take anything for it or go to therapy etc. So anyway he seems to be taking it out on the boys, shouting at them and asking them to do things that he could very well do himself. I am going to school 4nights a week so he is alone with them.

A few weeks ago my older son bent his glasses ; not a huge deal. I was asking what happened to them and he said he didnt know. He can still wear them. My dh asked my other son in private was the older one in a fight at school; absolutely no other evidence of a fight at all ; my sons dont fight ; they arent physical at all. But it bothered the younger son that his dad would actually ask this. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems like dh is getting delusional ; imagining the worst possible scenerio and then quizzing the kids about it. Last week we were at a barbque and my older son was kicking the ball around the yard alone. When asked later if he had a good time, he replied yes. But then my dh asked him why was he kicking the ball alone? My logic was that if he said he had a good time, he did.
We do not argue in front of the kids and I did bring it to his attention last week that they are saying he is shouting at them.
What else can I do?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-19-2010, 11:41 AM
 
3,842 posts, read 9,257,107 times
Reputation: 3177
Well, there is only so much you can do for your dh. He needs to want to help himself.

There are probably more issues than just the children growing older.

Only suggestion is to keep the lines of communication open and if things would get worse, that at least your sons & yourself get family counseling to figure out how to move past issues/not enable husband/dad and so on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2010, 12:04 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,376,381 times
Reputation: 1944
Quote:
Originally Posted by okaydorothy View Post

A few weeks ago my older son bent his glasses ; not a huge deal. I was asking what happened to them and he said he didnt know. He can still wear them. My dh asked my other son in private was the older one in a fight at school; absolutely no other evidence of a fight at all ; my sons dont fight ; they arent physical at all. But it bothered the younger son that his dad would actually ask this.
I don't see anything wrong with this at all except that he should have asked the older son what had happened to the glasses. Maybe your husband thought it was strange that your son didn't remember and decided to ask because his gut told him that the explanation didn't make sense. I have glasses and I know how they got bent. Yes, there comes a point when a parent has to accept that the answer children give them may not always be to their satisfaction. Teenage years are tough for some kids.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2010, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Columbia, California
6,662 posts, read 25,416,664 times
Reputation: 5067
Might want to remind the husband he is shaping his future relationship with the boys, they may grow distant and avoid him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 07:59 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
15,241 posts, read 23,852,738 times
Reputation: 19922
Having sons is so great. I always made sure they felt important and that their ideas do matter, that I listen to their opinions. Now that they are older all of that really paid off.
As they get older you really have to treat them as young adults. Fighting and arguing doesn't work, nit picking is the worst.

Your husband really needs to take a step back and think, is this the type of relationship I want to have with my sons????

I would think not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 10:07 AM
 
2,605 posts, read 3,946,395 times
Reputation: 2164
Quote:
Originally Posted by 121804 View Post
Only suggestion is to keep the lines of communication open and if things would get worse, that at least your sons & yourself get family counseling to figure out how to move past issues/not enable husband/dad and so on.
THEY DON'T NEED COUNCELING.

It sounds like your husband is just realizing that your boys are growing up and aren't little kids anymore. You nurtured and cared for, now it's your husband's duty to make them men (Something he should have been working on all along.). He may feel afraid of the task at hand and having trouble with the adjustment in taking his role as teacher and guide and not know how to go about it.

It's easy for a man to allow the mother of his children to raise the kids and just enjoy being a the dad, but there comes a time when the father has to step up and take the reigns of the sons and teach them to be competent men.

Maybe that is intimidating to your husband. Talk to him about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2010, 08:19 AM
 
4,218 posts, read 7,872,897 times
Reputation: 4978
When you said that you were away 4 nights a week, something clicked there with me, - since I started being away at work in the last 6 months, - sometimes at nights, and my dh had to fill the stay-at-home-parent shoes, roles have a bit reversed. It's now me who comes home and listens to complaints about the kids... (even though I hope to unwind after working), and I noticed that some things that he would normally hold against me (he thought I was too strict) - he is turning into a stricter parent himself right now, - as if he is realizing there should be a bad cop, and if there is no bad cop, he has to fill in the bad cop shoes.

In this light, I also don't see anything too out of line when your dh asks probing questions about what happened in the glasses situation, or digs deeper at the emotions when a child was playing by himself. If it were my case, I'd take it for my dh growing deeper into the primary parent role, something that he didn't need to do before... But if you feel that this is something out of ordinary, you know better of course.

Last edited by nuala; 06-22-2010 at 08:28 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top