U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 06-21-2010, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Summerville, SC
1,149 posts, read 3,722,704 times
Reputation: 1118

Advertisements

A former frequent CD poster turned lurker here, since the birth of my first son in March - hi everyone

I just need to get a few things off my chest here, regarding my mother and ILs, who are both now first time grandparents. Simply put, my mother and I were never close, definite personality conflicts, plus she stole money from me in the past. She has a lot of mental issues - she's the type to conjure up lies about events in the past, and then actually believe them to be true. I moved out of the house at 18, and she never once came to visit me in any of my apartments, nor would I have wanted her there - we talked on the phone maybe a few times a month. As for my ILs, I had a great relationship with them for the past ten years, though they could be a bit hard to take at times. They are baby boomers, and lived a pretty sweet life - not many people could own a house in an affluent NYC suburb, be a stay at home mom, and a husband be a union worker and still afford to vacation an entire summer at a house on a beach. Still, they were nice people, but though we would visit them, they also never bothered to stop by and visit. We lived approximately forty minutes away, an easy drive.

Eventually my husband and I - both engineers with graduate degrees - decide to leave the area, and move down south. We get better paying jobs, buy a house, and start our family. Neither set of parents had anything to say about this.

In March, I give birth to our son - he is perfect, a very happy child, all smiles, and sleeps like a champ. All of a sudden, both new grandmothers start pitching a fit - we are all of a sudden "depriving them of their grandson." "Why don't you move back?" and "I don't know how you could stand to be away from family!" are common comments from the now frequent phone calls from these women. I am considered to be heartless because I am a working mother - sure I would love to stay home, but I didn't grow up in a time of free college like they attended, and my husband and I have six figures worth of loans to pay off - since neither parent helped with college (which is fine, but I wonder if they think money comes out of thin air). We decide to invite each set of parents over for one week each a few weeks after our son is born - my mother held my son for photo opportunities, then gushed about our flat screen TV (???), and my MIL insisted on holding him - and not let go. She was upset that she had to give him to "the giant boob" to feed, and griped about me breastfeeding him - she wanted to give him a bottle. She refused to change him though, so I often had to rescue my son from drowning in his own diapers, since she would happily hold him regardless of his condition.

Well, all of a sudden, both sets of grandparents are considering moving down here. I really feel like telling them that frankly, they weren't involved with our lives prior to having our son, and no, I don't plan on letting them babysit, become granny daycare, or be here even once a month, let alone once a week. Do you think it's strange of me to feel this way? These people wouldn't have cared if we moved to Japan if it were just my husband and myself - once a grandson who makes for cute pictures enters into the scene, and they feel entitled to be involved as much as they want (which I am not comfortable with) and to proclaim their disdain of everything I do regarding him. I'd much prefer to continue our aloof relationships that we've always had.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-21-2010, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,141 posts, read 22,123,052 times
Reputation: 35553
Most likely they are just talking. Actually moving is a lot easier to discuss than actually do....Most likely, they are very excited about being grandparents and perhaps with your mom, she's looking for a chance to redeem her past bad choices...

How does your husband feel about it all? If the moving talk seems to get actually serious (discussions with realtors etc) then you might each want to make clear what the boundries would be (baby will continue in daycare, you will not be their social lie etc etc). I would let you husband have that discussion with his family and you with yours. Honestly, you have no control over what they choose to do or where they choose to live but you can be up front (nicely of course) about what they can expect....

People will always have opinions they feel they "need" to share with new moms. Just smile, nod and continue doing what you feel is appropriate for you.

Congrats on the little one, glad to hear he's healthy and happy.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 11:54 AM
 
Location: here
24,472 posts, read 28,750,429 times
Reputation: 31051
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedSurprise View Post
A former frequent CD poster turned lurker here, since the birth of my first son in March - hi everyone

I just need to get a few things off my chest here, regarding my mother and ILs, who are both now first time grandparents. Simply put, my mother and I were never close, definite personality conflicts, plus she stole money from me in the past. She has a lot of mental issues - she's the type to conjure up lies about events in the past, and then actually believe them to be true. I moved out of the house at 18, and she never once came to visit me in any of my apartments, nor would I have wanted her there - we talked on the phone maybe a few times a month. As for my ILs, I had a great relationship with them for the past ten years, though they could be a bit hard to take at times. They are baby boomers, and lived a pretty sweet life - not many people could own a house in an affluent NYC suburb, be a stay at home mom, and a husband be a union worker and still afford to vacation an entire summer at a house on a beach. Still, they were nice people, but though we would visit them, they also never bothered to stop by and visit. We lived approximately forty minutes away, an easy drive.

Eventually my husband and I - both engineers with graduate degrees - decide to leave the area, and move down south. We get better paying jobs, buy a house, and start our family. Neither set of parents had anything to say about this.

In March, I give birth to our son - he is perfect, a very happy child, all smiles, and sleeps like a champ. All of a sudden, both new grandmothers start pitching a fit - we are all of a sudden "depriving them of their grandson." "Why don't you move back?" and "I don't know how you could stand to be away from family!" are common comments from the now frequent phone calls from these women. I am considered to be heartless because I am a working mother - sure I would love to stay home, but I didn't grow up in a time of free college like they attended, and my husband and I have six figures worth of loans to pay off - since neither parent helped with college (which is fine, but I wonder if they think money comes out of thin air). We decide to invite each set of parents over for one week each a few weeks after our son is born - my mother held my son for photo opportunities, then gushed about our flat screen TV (???), and my MIL insisted on holding him - and not let go. She was upset that she had to give him to "the giant boob" to feed, and griped about me breastfeeding him - she wanted to give him a bottle. She refused to change him though, so I often had to rescue my son from drowning in his own diapers, since she would happily hold him regardless of his condition.

Well, all of a sudden, both sets of grandparents are considering moving down here. I really feel like telling them that frankly, they weren't involved with our lives prior to having our son, and no, I don't plan on letting them babysit, become granny daycare, or be here even once a month, let alone once a week. Do you think it's strange of me to feel this way? These people wouldn't have cared if we moved to Japan if it were just my husband and myself - once a grandson who makes for cute pictures enters into the scene, and they feel entitled to be involved as much as they want (which I am not comfortable with) and to proclaim their disdain of everything I do regarding him. I'd much prefer to continue our aloof relationships that we've always had.
First, congrats on becoming a mom!

My first bold - you've described my MIL ... seriously.

You are right to feel as you do. If they didn't care to be involved in your lives before, they shouldn't automatically expect to be welcomed with open arms now. they especially shouldn't expect you to want to pick up and move back to be closer to them.

Not sure if you should lay it all on the table and be honest about expectations before they move to you. It would surely be an expensive lesson if they moved and then realized that you already have a life and don't really "need" them around all the time. Or, maybe they are bluffing, or maybe they aren't truly serious about moving. Hard to say. My parents have been talking about moving closer to us for 3 years, but it has been all talk so far.

Oh, and about the TV - they might be trying to say that you spent too much money, or whatever. My parents got married at about 21 and were poor students for a long time. We waited until we had graduated from college and had careers. my parents would constantly make comments about what nice furniture we had, and how they were married for x number of years before THEY bought a new bedroom set, etc. duh! That's because we didn't get married in college. anyway, I don't know what you should do, but good luck!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 11:58 AM
 
2,605 posts, read 3,938,868 times
Reputation: 2164
It's amazing how presumptuous some people can be. I'd build a tall, tall fence around your house and have a gatekeeper with strict instructions to not allow them in. They will smother you and your family.

If they are willing to move down there for the sole purpose of seeing your son, and have no other plans than to hang out at your house, wait until they get there then move across country.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 12:06 PM
 
11,614 posts, read 19,724,832 times
Reputation: 12046
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedSurprise View Post
A former frequent CD poster turned lurker here, since the birth of my first son in March - hi everyone

I just need to get a few things off my chest here, regarding my mother and ILs, who are both now first time grandparents. Simply put, my mother and I were never close, definite personality conflicts, plus she stole money from me in the past. She has a lot of mental issues - she's the type to conjure up lies about events in the past, and then actually believe them to be true. I moved out of the house at 18, and she never once came to visit me in any of my apartments, nor would I have wanted her there - we talked on the phone maybe a few times a month. As for my ILs, I had a great relationship with them for the past ten years, though they could be a bit hard to take at times. They are baby boomers, and lived a pretty sweet life - not many people could own a house in an affluent NYC suburb, be a stay at home mom, and a husband be a union worker and still afford to vacation an entire summer at a house on a beach. Still, they were nice people, but though we would visit them, they also never bothered to stop by and visit. We lived approximately forty minutes away, an easy drive.

Eventually my husband and I - both engineers with graduate degrees - decide to leave the area, and move down south. We get better paying jobs, buy a house, and start our family. Neither set of parents had anything to say about this.

In March, I give birth to our son - he is perfect, a very happy child, all smiles, and sleeps like a champ. All of a sudden, both new grandmothers start pitching a fit - we are all of a sudden "depriving them of their grandson." "Why don't you move back?" and "I don't know how you could stand to be away from family!" are common comments from the now frequent phone calls from these women. I am considered to be heartless because I am a working mother - sure I would love to stay home, but I didn't grow up in a time of free college like they attended, and my husband and I have six figures worth of loans to pay off - since neither parent helped with college (which is fine, but I wonder if they think money comes out of thin air). We decide to invite each set of parents over for one week each a few weeks after our son is born - my mother held my son for photo opportunities, then gushed about our flat screen TV (???), and my MIL insisted on holding him - and not let go. She was upset that she had to give him to "the giant boob" to feed, and griped about me breastfeeding him - she wanted to give him a bottle. She refused to change him though, so I often had to rescue my son from drowning in his own diapers, since she would happily hold him regardless of his condition.

Well, all of a sudden, both sets of grandparents are considering moving down here. I really feel like telling them that frankly, they weren't involved with our lives prior to having our son, and no, I don't plan on letting them babysit, become granny daycare, or be here even once a month, let alone once a week. Do you think it's strange of me to feel this way? These people wouldn't have cared if we moved to Japan if it were just my husband and myself - once a grandson who makes for cute pictures enters into the scene, and they feel entitled to be involved as much as they want (which I am not comfortable with) and to proclaim their disdain of everything I do regarding him. I'd much prefer to continue our aloof relationships that we've always had.
I assume that the main purpose of your post is to vent. There is not a whole lot you can do about where they live. You don't get to say where they live, just like they don't get to say where you live.

I suspect that they are just talking though.....

I do think it's strange of you to feel that way, but that does NOT mean that you are wrong. You know much more about your life than I do. Just because something is strange it does not mean it is WRONG. Big difference.

Anyway-enjoy your baby. They grow up really fast. My baby drives now and I still see him as a baby.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 12:08 PM
 
14,777 posts, read 34,525,274 times
Reputation: 14278
Just take solace on the fact that in most cases once your son has outgrown the holdable, cuddleable, infant stages and becomes a walking, talking toddler with a mind and intentions of his own that the once uninvolved will become uninvolved again. Everyone loves a baby, not everyone loves chasing after, entertaining and cleaning up a toddler. The magic moment generally occurs when they tell your son something and he turns around, says no and runs off.

Also, moving is not as easy it sounds, especially in this economy. It sounds like your in-laws may have more of a chance to do it than your mom, but I wouldn't bank on it. The big issue will be making sure you and your husband are on the same page. If his parents did actually live down the block, would he be willing to keep them out of your lives and turn down the free babysitting?
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Summerville, SC
1,149 posts, read 3,722,704 times
Reputation: 1118
maciesmom and rkb0305 - My husband and I are in absolute agreement when it comes to this. We've been together for ten years, and have it worked out that he deals with his parents, and I deal with mine (I joke that he has the easier job). His parents are what I like to call "tire kickers" - they'll talk a lot, but then never actually do what they're saying. However, they recently told my husband that they painted the entire interior of the house - ripping down old wallpaper - and even repaired some damage in the downstairs bathroom. He's concerned they might be serious. As for my mother - she's out of work right now, so it wouldn't shock me if she tried relocating.

However, I do think that if they finally tell us that they are moving/putting their house up for sale, we would have to set them straight on these points. I am afraid of exactly what you mentioned - they would expect us to be their entertainment, since they wouldn't know anyone down here - and my husband and I just couldn't cope with that. We do have some family down here - my BIL and his wife, actually - and we have very similar personalities, so it's not bad, and they aren't intrusive at all. I would trust them (they are childless) with my son before I would trust either set of grandparents, since both sets seem to view him as an adorable toy.

NoExcuses - I have seriously considered that, LOL - my husband and I are both contractors, so it wouldn't be that crazy of an idea!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Summerville, SC
1,149 posts, read 3,722,704 times
Reputation: 1118
momma_bear - thanks for understanding, even if we're not in agreement. I've got a lifetime of bad memories with my mother, and while I get along with my mother in law better, it seems she did a complete and utter personality switch when my son was born. I know hormones come into play - but for example, when she visited, she would hold my son, and not talk to anyone in the room. When I was home alone with her, it was incredibly uncomfortable because she would refuse to hold a conversation. At once point, I came downstairs (I was showering) to get my son to feed him, and she was actually trying to get him to latch onto her breast - not kidding. She startled when she saw me, and then actually said, "Grandmothers should lactate when their grandchildren are born, wouldn't that be nice?" It's like she's out of her mind. That's just one example.

NJGOAT - GREAT point. Right now, like I said, my son is very sweet and cuddly - he is constantly cooing, and just has a wonderful temperment. I'm sure this won't last long, and whereas I'll adore him no matter what, I suspect both sets of grandparents might get fed up with toddler life quickly.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 12:25 PM
 
11,614 posts, read 19,724,832 times
Reputation: 12046
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedSurprise View Post
momma_bear - thanks for understanding, even if we're not in agreement. I've got a lifetime of bad memories with my mother, and while I get along with my mother in law better, it seems she did a complete and utter personality switch when my son was born. I know hormones come into play - but for example, when she visited, she would hold my son, and not talk to anyone in the room. When I was home alone with her, it was incredibly uncomfortable because she would refuse to hold a conversation. At once point, I came downstairs (I was showering) to get my son to feed him, and she was actually trying to get him to latch onto her breast - not kidding. She startled when she saw me, and then actually said, "Grandmothers should lactate when their grandchildren are born, wouldn't that be nice?" It's like she's out of her mind. That's just one example.

NJGOAT - GREAT point. Right now, like I said, my son is very sweet and cuddly - he is constantly cooing, and just has a wonderful temperment. I'm sure this won't last long, and whereas I'll adore him no matter what, I suspect both sets of grandparents might get fed up with toddler life quickly.
I think we are in total agreement. Just because I think most people would not feel the way you do, I think that you are well within your rights to feel that way. Your MIL sounds a bit unbalanced right now....I wish only the best to you and your new child...
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2010, 12:39 PM
 
821 posts, read 1,758,198 times
Reputation: 459
OMG.. You MIL does sound unbalanced I would completely freak out if anyone was try to do that to my baby.

Congrats on you baby and I'm sure things will work themselves out but I would definetly keep an eye on MIL at all times when she is with the baby. Good luck!
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top