U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-05-2007, 09:26 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
1,195 posts, read 2,122,176 times
Reputation: 1831

Advertisements

I only see TWO (2) pages on my screen!!!!




Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMachine View Post
The person who initially opened this thread never came back, yet the replies run for 7 pages !!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-10-2007, 04:55 PM
 
Location: Kingman AZ
15,371 posts, read 33,766,194 times
Reputation: 8976
06-19-2007, 07:25 AM

Go to page 1...look in the upper left corner of the 1st post....[see above]
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-11-2007, 10:46 PM
 
Location: My heart is in Wyoming, my body is soon to follow.....
745 posts, read 3,616,191 times
Reputation: 300
Maybe she heard what she didn't want to hear.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2008, 12:35 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,817 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Triplewillow View Post
Maybe she was overwhelmed with all the firmly stated posts.

Here's what I did with my daughter when having the same difficulties. (and yes, she grew up in a well disciplined home but it pretty much meant nothing when she turned the magical age of 18)

I wrote out a plan and included the rules she already knew. I informed her that we would stick to this plan and she could be a willing partner in it or not.
She had 90 days to get with the household program.
She would abide by the rules of the house or leave.
She would obtain another job and keep it.

She didn't... I took her to the Salvation Army and dropped her off. She spent 3 nights there, called crying and I refused to pick her up. I told her that she broke the agreement and I would not support or enable her lazy, irresponsible lifestyle.
She called again two weeks later... had a job... could she come home and start over?
I agreed and we started over.

She got another job and kept it. Today she is going to nursing school, working and living on her own. I still have to loan her 5$ once in a great while but I don't mind that.

Parenting doesn't end when they turn 18. Parenting means being limber, willing to bend and start over sometimes. Not much can be set in stone when you love your kids... you have to be willing to bend with the learning curve that is theirs. If I hadn't, I don't know that this girl would be such a wonderful adult today.
Triplewillow, I just wanted to say thank you for your suggestions.

I am at the point in mine and my daughters relationship where I just had to do something but didn't know where to start. She is 17 now but will be 18 01-2009.

When her behaviour gradually started to change about 4 years ago I found that when I tried to discipline her I felt like I was the one at fault because I was wishy washy with my expectations. But in all honesty I didn't know how to really parent a truly disobedient child. And since the changes were so gradual over time it didn't slap me in the face until I sat down and thought about the negative changes that were occurring.

She was always an excellent B+ student in French Immersion. Up until she was about 15 if I asked her to do something she would do it. I never had to demand or make threats it was just taken as a given that chores/homework had to be completed prior to any activities. We have an open relationship and I know things about my daughter that most parents shouldn't know/wouldn't want to know. This has enabled me to provide her with birth control options and info regarding drug and alcohol abuse. I am aware that she does indulge in all of these in moderation and she is well aware of the evils of all of them. I have raised her to beleive in herself and trust her insticts and not be afraid to make decisions in social situations eg. saying no to something that went beyond her morals regardless of what the group was doing (maybe that is why I am being tested ~ who knows) she is a leader and not a follower. Don't ask me how I know all of this it would take far too long for me to explain. I just know. And no I am not delusional. I have tried to think about what may have happened and made a checklist of all the typical ones - fight with a friend, break up with a boyfriend - change of school (she did change schools for the start of grade 9 but already had friends at this school and wanted to attend anyway so this was a bonus for her) etc. I was able to rule all of this out since she was doing so well in all of these areas. I don't know what made the switch and have asked her but perhaps the adult trying to get out is taking over my child

Anyway, I made up a contract for her to follow with clear guidelines and expectations. I would post but it got pretty long. Long story short she will have 2 months to meet the expectations of the "contract". If in the first month period she doesn't comply then I have stated that I am going to take away her cell phone privliges, allowance (for lack of a better word) and she will lose her ablility to come and go whenever she wants since I will be changing the locks on the door. So when I leave the house at 7 30 to go to work she will be on the other side of the door whether she wants to be or not. Then she can decide whether she wants to go to school or continue doing what she has been doing all along. If after the next month no changes have been made I will take her to the Salvation Army as you suggested and let her find out the hard way that life isn't easy. It pains me to do this but I do have an 8 year old son who is starting to pick up on his sisters actions and asking questions.

I worry that it may be harsh but if she can't get it straight in 2 months then I am not willing to continue with my house in upheaval.

Any thoughts or advice anyone could provide me with? I could sure use them.

Thanks for taking the time to read my lengthy post.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2008, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
1,195 posts, read 2,122,176 times
Reputation: 1831
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bankgirl View Post
Triplewillow, I just wanted to say thank you for your suggestions.

I am at the point in mine and my daughters relationship where I just had to do something but didn't know where to start. She is 17 now but will be 18 01-2009.

When her behaviour gradually started to change about 4 years ago I found that when I tried to discipline her I felt like I was the one at fault because I was wishy washy with my expectations. But in all honesty I didn't know how to really parent a truly disobedient child. And since the changes were so gradual over time it didn't slap me in the face until I sat down and thought about the negative changes that were occurring.

She was always an excellent B+ student in French Immersion. Up until she was about 15 if I asked her to do something she would do it. I never had to demand or make threats it was just taken as a given that chores/homework had to be completed prior to any activities. We have an open relationship and I know things about my daughter that most parents shouldn't know/wouldn't want to know. This has enabled me to provide her with birth control options and info regarding drug and alcohol abuse. I am aware that she does indulge in all of these in moderation and she is well aware of the evils of all of them. I have raised her to beleive in herself and trust her insticts and not be afraid to make decisions in social situations eg. saying no to something that went beyond her morals regardless of what the group was doing (maybe that is why I am being tested ~ who knows) she is a leader and not a follower. Don't ask me how I know all of this it would take far too long for me to explain. I just know. And no I am not delusional. I have tried to think about what may have happened and made a checklist of all the typical ones - fight with a friend, break up with a boyfriend - change of school (she did change schools for the start of grade 9 but already had friends at this school and wanted to attend anyway so this was a bonus for her) etc. I was able to rule all of this out since she was doing so well in all of these areas. I don't know what made the switch and have asked her but perhaps the adult trying to get out is taking over my child

Anyway, I made up a contract for her to follow with clear guidelines and expectations. I would post but it got pretty long. Long story short she will have 2 months to meet the expectations of the "contract". If in the first month period she doesn't comply then I have stated that I am going to take away her cell phone privliges, allowance (for lack of a better word) and she will lose her ablility to come and go whenever she wants since I will be changing the locks on the door. So when I leave the house at 7 30 to go to work she will be on the other side of the door whether she wants to be or not. Then she can decide whether she wants to go to school or continue doing what she has been doing all along. If after the next month no changes have been made I will take her to the Salvation Army as you suggested and let her find out the hard way that life isn't easy. It pains me to do this but I do have an 8 year old son who is starting to pick up on his sisters actions and asking questions.

I worry that it may be harsh but if she can't get it straight in 2 months then I am not willing to continue with my house in upheaval.

Any thoughts or advice anyone could provide me with? I could sure use them.

Thanks for taking the time to read my lengthy post.
I will be sure to come back to read your whole post & comment - I've had my own issues with my, now 20 year old, son. Be well...

the thinky think.r
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2008, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Texas
876 posts, read 1,416,178 times
Reputation: 549
Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyCo View Post
I wouldn't advocate throwing her out just yet. The world can be a scary place for a girl all on her own. A friend of mine had the same issue with his daughter and he gave her until she was 21. By then she was holding down a decent job and was able to get an apartment.

However, I agree that this situation can't continue indefinitely. She needs to have a time limit, and at the end of it, you have to follow through. Does she have any grandparents she could go stay with, or other relatives? Maybe a change of scenery would be a good idea, as it would get her away from her more unsavory friends.
so she should give her 2 more years to screw around if she wants it? makes no sense whatsoever. kick her butt out and stop enabling her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top