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Old 07-07-2010, 10:37 PM
 
137 posts, read 295,734 times
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The best parenting advice I ever got was:

"Love her mother"

I thought of this when I was getting gas today and saw the proverbial "child exchange" of a seperated couple.

Best advice you ever got?
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Old 07-08-2010, 07:19 AM
 
Location: NE PA
7,940 posts, read 9,594,140 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheapsk8 View Post
The best parenting advice I ever got was:

"Love her mother"

I thought of this when I was getting gas today and saw the proverbial "child exchange" of a seperated couple.

Best advice you ever got?
And parents who divorce rarely consider the effects of a broken home on the kids...they just think its normal these days, and are more concerned with their own selfish desires than the well-being of their kids. My parents were divorced, and to put it bluntly, it sucked. I was always jealous of my friends who had normal families...this was in a day when I was in the minority having divorced parents....now it seems my kids are in the minority having 2 married parents living under the same roof. Growing up with separated parents and always being forced to put up with my mother's boyfriends and my father's girlfriends is not exactly an ideal situation for kids....it screws up your emotions and distorts what a family should look like. Maybe that is also why I am determined to not take that path in life.

Last edited by Mr Yuk; 07-08-2010 at 08:09 AM..
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Old 07-08-2010, 07:51 AM
 
749 posts, read 1,081,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by go phillies View Post
And parents who divorce rarely condier the effects of a broken home on the kids...they just think its normal these days, and are more concerned with their own selfish desires than the well-being of their kids. My parents were divorced, and to put it bluntly, it sucked. I was always jealous of my friends who had normal families...this was in a day when I was in the minority having divorced parents....now it seems my kids are in the minority having 2 married parents living under the same roof. Growing up with separated parents and always being forced to put up with my mother's boyfriends and my father's girlfriends is not exactly an ideal situation for kids....it screws up your emotions and distorts what a family should look like. Maybe that is also why I am determined to not take that path in life.
Unfortunately I think this is true. Friends of ours are getting a divorce and the man wanted to seek counseling and try to make the marriage work for the kids sake and the woman's response was "tons of people get divorced and the kids deal just fine". I feel bad for those kids.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:50 AM
 
2,728 posts, read 2,663,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar View Post
Unfortunately I think this is true. Friends of ours are getting a divorce and the man wanted to seek counseling and try to make the marriage work for the kids sake and the woman's response was "tons of people get divorced and the kids deal just fine". I feel bad for those kids.
It is terrible for kids but sometimes divorce is the best thing if both sides are unwilling to recognize how their behavior has contributed to the problem. People kiss and makeup after the conflict is over but when another one arises the same old behaviors come back. If the parents don't love each other any more and are unwilling to change their behavior, it is not best for the children. They will live in a hostile environment. Staying together for the sake of the children might be a bit overprotective.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:03 PM
 
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Maybe, but I still think they owe it to the kids to at least try and work it out. Obviously an abusive situation or even addiction problems are situations where leaving is the best option.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:12 PM
 
Location: NE PA
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Originally Posted by skahar View Post
Maybe, but I still think they owe it to the kids to at least try and work it out. Obviously an abusive situation or even addiction problems are situations where leaving is the best option.
Exactly....and I also think that divorced parents need to make the kids their #1 priority. Instead, they seem to revert back to being college kids again, going out partying and dating all the time. Bringing around countless boyfriends and girlfriends around the kids is not healthy.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar View Post
Maybe, but I still think they owe it to the kids to at least try and work it out. Obviously an abusive situation or even addiction problems are situations where leaving is the best option.
Quote:
Originally Posted by go phillies View Post
Exactly....and I also think that divorced parents need to make the kids their #1 priority. Instead, they seem to revert back to being college kids again, going out partying and dating all the time. Bringing around countless boyfriends and girlfriends around the kids is not healthy.
Doing it for the kids is a great way to get started since both will agree on one thing. However, I think for real change, it has to be done for oneself. Being on the verge of divorce does not have to mean obvious abuse or addiction. It could mean that communication and respect have broken down.

Parents should work things out because they truly believe that they can be loved and respected. Also, they believe they can love and respect in return. So another way of saying this is that the parents work things out so they can grow as people, which in turn benefits the kids without making them the reason for it.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:26 PM
 
Location: NYC
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Kids today live very managed lives and parents are seem obsessed with safety despite the fact that crime is WAY down and kids today have all types of safety guards in place (e.g., bike helmets, knee and elbow guards, padded playgrounds, car seats, etc.). When I was a kid playing in the schoolyard I fell off the monkey bars onto the asphalt. I split open my chin and had stitches but I lived.

Anyway, I live in NYC and I'm witnessing two things:

1) Lots of people are moving to NYC from suburban and rural places. Maybe they don't understand that children can be safe playing alone because they never experienced living in an urban environment until they were adults.

2) Parents coming from close-knit families where family involvement is a natural part of child rearing tend to play with their children. For example, I live in a neighborhood with a large Latin American population and parents are always with their kids in the playground and parks.

A new playstreet opened in my neighborhood, which will be closed to traffic and parking until August. I walked past three times and didn't see many children playing. As a matter of fact, I saw more dogs than kids. When I mentioned that closing the street removed a number of coveted parking spaces, one of the playstreet coordinators said, "I think someone needs to give lessons on how to play outside - our kids lead such structured, indoor lives that the whole notion of a place for free play is strange to them."

When I was a kid I lived on a busy street with a city bus, where we still we played jump rope, rode our bikes, played punch ball, skelly, hopscotch, stoop ball, jacks, clapping games, tag, and more. Our parents never played with us. Maybe that isn't good either. Anyway, the playstreet coordinator asked me to come out on to "put my ideas to work." I'm going to stop by on Sunday to see what's what. Hopefully the playstreet will evolve and these kids will learn.

Unfortunately, many kids of helicopter parents will grow up with a schedule that rivals a grown ups, but without learning the freedom of running outside to play or planning their own activities with their peers, being creative in making up new games and rules. I find this parenting style to be a reflection of the overall "yuppie" lifestyle -- very busy, goal-oriented, and strategically planned.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:42 PM
 
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I just went on vacation with a friend and her daughter, who is the same age as my oldest son (7). I never fully realized how protective she is. Not just physically, but emotionally, too. Lord forgive us if the girl has her feelings hurt because my boys don't want to always play her games and her way! And the tiniest scratch has to have ointment and a bandaide. If not, she begins whining. Ugh! That part was hard to take--she is turning into a very bossy, unwielding little girl. But even harder to take was my friend's helicoptering over my children, especially my 3 y.o. It made me feel on edge and like I had to hover over him or else I was a bad mommy.

I don't know how well I am raising my children. I can only try my best and hope they turn out to be productive, happy members of society. However, I really worry about the little girl. She is going to get hurt in life, she won't always be the best, she is going to get rejected and have things not go her way. That is the simple nature of this life, no matter how hard mommy wants to believe different. Will she have the coping skills when she is finally faced with it?
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Old 07-08-2010, 01:10 PM
 
2,728 posts, read 2,663,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyme4878 View Post
But even harder to take was my friend's helicoptering over my children, especially my 3 y.o. It made me feel on edge and like I had to hover over him or else I was a bad mommy.
I know the feeling but I also know that I was on the giving end. I really had to be a better judge of when to intervene, e.g., a child leaving a play area and his mom is unaware, of course, I am speaking about people I know.

Best thing I can tell you is to try not to pick up her feelings. Just say, "they are okay. let them be." It is also good for your kids to be able to say something along the same lines because they will encounter hovering adults.
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