Venting/Advice Needed for 20 Year Old Son (ADHD, ideas, single parent)

[Faworki1947]

MOM.. STOP !.. right now .. he doesnt want to do it .. or he would have done it by now .. No Excuses made a valid point with this remark

Hmmm, Joran van der Sloot comes to mind. Spoiled adult offspring who did what he pleased.

offer him a $1000. cash to move to the g/f collage town and live .. and then YOU let go of him .. he is 20 time to learn about life on his own .. just dont let him come home once he is gone
yes bribery .. but cash for keys is cheaper than the mess and the anger of an eviction ..

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by Audrey_M

Went online this morning to try to start financial aid process. As I suspected, he must initiate the process. I wanted him to find this out on his own, showing initiative and responsibility. It will be very interesting to see his response and actions today when I tell him this.

Strange. I went online and did my children's financial aid process without their involvement.

Regardless, at least he will know that you did try to help.

Originally Posted by Faworki1947

offer him a $1000. cash to move to the g/f collage town and live .. and then YOU let go of him .. he is 20 time to learn about life on his own .. just dont let him come home once he is gone
yes bribery .. but cash for keys is cheaper than the mess and the anger of an eviction ..

I think this is a great idea! Don't dictate where he lives or if he has a job. Give him the 1k so he can find an apartment near the girlfriend and he'll quickly figure out how to find a job and make money. Living near his girlfriend in college will help him also figure out how to get into college. If he can't figure it out on his own, he can ask his girlfriend or give you a call for directions via the phone. But you definitely have to LET GO. You need to stop worrying about exactly how he does whatever he does. Just give him the money to finance his move as an investment for your sanity and an investment for his independence. Make it clear that's the last penny he will get for living expenses.

[Sgoldie]

Just make sure you get the keys in the exchange.

We have a similar situation here with a much older kid whose never left home and also decides he'll go for a degree every time the subject of moving out comes up. In reality he's all talk, no action.

You don't want to be dealing with this when you're on social security.

[misplaced1]

You have three choices.
1) Do anything you can to make sure that school paperwork is done and he heads out to school
2) Start eviction process
3) Move and don't take him with you.

Pick one or more

[The Ghost of Tom Joad]

1000$ is good. but 2000$ would keep him afloat for 2 months. tell him he has 4 weeks to make plans, after 4 weeks the price drops to 1000$, after 8 weeks it drops to zero. 2 minutes after he leaves call a locksmith, change all the locks. within 6 months he will be calling you to come home, then is when you get tough and say NO. the 2000$ would leave a bad taste in my mouth but it is about what I'd expect to pay to have a bad (multiple) infestation of cockroaches, bedbugs, termites, locusts, ticks, fleas and fire ants removed from my home. is he acting any different than an unwanted destructive pest?

1/2 (or whatever amount) the money up front (in check form from you to the landlord) and 1/2 (balance in cash) on moving day. and as a hedge start the eviction process (behind his back) as your ace in the hole.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Originally Posted by Audrey_M

I am at wit's end with my 20 year old son. For more than 2 years now, I have been working to get him to be more responsible, follow house rules and treat me with basic respect. Six months of family counseling seems to have made the situation only worse.

Kid has worked a total of 6 months in 2 years. Has completely taken over house with his mess/very unsanitary conditions. Stopped cooking for him because he won't tell me his schedule or clear/clean dirty dishes. Honesty used to be his best quality, but that has now gone out the window.

At the end of May, I gave him 5 weeks notice to move out. Did not move on it and told me his plans were none of my business. In the meantime, he applied to 2 schools that are out of range of affordability, but close to where his girlfriend is going to school.

Move out date was July 3. Conditional acceptance letter from one school came the day before. Told me he did not have a permanent place and asked for time, especially in light of school acceptance. I told him I could no longer tolerate the behavior or stress of the situation and he needed to move out. Next day he told me temporary place fell through and that I cannot force him out without evicting him, which I found out is true in CT.

Kid has only read the acceptance letter, not the entire package. I read it and sat down with him on "move out" date to discuss what needs to be done in terms of school. Told him to read entire package, determine deadlines and who will be responsible for what. A week later, nothing done. Specifically asked for website for financial aid, school ID numbers, student ID numbers and whether he needs to register first. No cooperation; cuts off conversation after telling me he can't understand why I don't just do it. Time is running short and in all reality, he will not get the funding he needs to attend.

Do have forms to file for eviction. Am trying to figure out best timing for this. Current job is a census job that will end soon; deadlines for college acceptance are at the end of this month.

He is not going to mature in this environment and needs to move on. Nothing I say or do has any sway with him. If you were in my situation, what would your timing be?

I don't know you and we have only your side of the situation here, but this is my take on it:


I don't think you sound negative, I think you sound frustrated and quite frankly finished with what appears to be a lot of nonsense.

I think the very fact that this kid bothered to find out that you can't move him out without legally evicting him says a lot about his nature, and what it says isn't good.

I think sometimes we just have to face facts, even when the fact is that a child of ours has turned out badly.


I'd start eviction proceedings. Let's face it, he's GOING to diddle around with school and find a way to blame you; he's GOING to find a way to blame you for everything which is happening to him and if you do nothing he's GOING to continue to take advantage for as long as possible.

Start the eviction proceedings, pack up his stuff yourself as much as possible and have it prepared to move (when the eviction date draws near) and STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

I'd say what this kid needs is a nice dose of reality biting him on the arse.

Further, I know it will be painful for you; no one wants to do such a thing to their offspring -- but this is no longer a child, this is a grown man who needs to learn to act like one. Sure, he may disappear on your for a few years but odds are good he'll grow up some and show up again one day.

Once he diddles school away (and he will) have you thought about recommending the military? It has a way of making people grow up at least some.

[cmhgirl]

My personal feelings are this:
*He doesn't want to go to school
*he wants to follow his johnson by following this girlfriend (which most of us know, at 20, probably won't work out)
*he's trying to control mom

I wouldn't help with school anymore. I would not put my name on anything of his. Give him money to move to where his girlfriend is let him be.
Tell him that since school doesn't seem to be what he's interested in, and he wants to go where his girlfriend is, you will help him out. You've got to just tell him you're not going to push anymore and just want him to be happy. Who knows, you may get a reaction from him that you weren't expecting. it'll probably throw him for a loop.
anyhoo, see if he wants to move to where the girl is, tell him to find a place and you'll give him money for 2 months rent and utiliities. show him how much stuff is going to cost and he'll have to maintain a job of at least a certain amount to cover everything.
maybe taking a approach of helping him do what he thinks he wants to do will get a better response.
I think him moving away may help your relationship with him but change how you're going about it and help him do what he want to do.
good luck!

[NY Annie]

The problem with the military or peace corps or college or financial aid or a job is that the son has to do something. He obviously doesn't want to DO anything he doesn't want to do - and no can make him.

He knows his rights - time for you to help him learn what they really are:

Did he pay for the furniture? specifically his bed, dresser, desk - whatever else is in his room? if not, he is not entitled to them. Take the mattress off his bed. Remove it from his room. He can buy himself one or sleep on the floor. Sheets - again, if he didn't pay for them, he doesn't get them. What about fans, air conditioners? He is not entitled to them. He doesn't pay rent, these items are not his. TV - unless a gift from someone, they aren't his.

Seriously, no judge will order you to provide these things for a squatter. While you may have to proceed with a legal eviction, he is still not a legal tenant and is not entitled to a furnished room.

Good luck. Tough love is.....tough.

[jackmccullough]

What an awful story. I do feel for you because this is the baby that you loved and raised, and it must be very hard for you to even be thinking about these steps.

That said, this is not a good person. He is abusive and manipulative. You would like to support him in his efforts to obtain an education because you know that it will be better for him in the long run. Unfortunately, the only long run that he has in mind is how long he can string out the rent-free housing under your roof. This means that your interests are not compatible.

He's an adult. If he's not getting an education he needs to be living on his own and supporting himself.

If you feel that you want to help him obtain housing, come up with a figure you can afford and tell him that the money is his when he moves out.

Also get a lawyer to show you how to do an eviction notice correctly, and serve him with it.

[jimboburnsy]

Originally Posted by Faworki1947

which is why I suggested calling the Army Recuiter and the Navy and the Air Foruce and the Marines .. fer crap sakes .. the kid has to grow up and thats one of the best ways ..
also he is still of an age he could go to Job Corp they take them up to age 24 .. as for you leaving I wasnt kidding .. put EVERYTHING in storage you are NOT required to provide the kid with a damn thing .. cubboards are empty? no stove no refridge no tv no electric .. you can leave and close up the house .. if you cant do that because he is untrusted then start locking YOUR stuff up .. he doesnt have the right to use your stuff just because he is there .. that means no tv no cable or Internet yes bit of work for you but you want to teach him theres a line and a limit then ya gotta do that

I've seen some people absolutely return from the brink after enlistment, but someone who has never done anything "hard", has no clue what to do with himself, is exhibiting very poor "self-starter" capabilities and has zero motivation other than "mom is kicking me out" is extremely unlikely to flourish in the military or learn any lesson other than "I hate my family".

Also, and I hope this isn't offensive to mom, the military may not be very interested in someone who isn't able to take care of himself.

To the OP: He definitely needs a jolt to the system, but eviction and military probably isn't the right jolt. I think he needs to work for a while and get his own place. How to get him to do that is the tricky part and you, as his mother, are going to have to get creative and find a way to leverage him. It doesn't sound like he's ready to perform in college... It sounds like he's ready to follow a girlfriend who will not be in his life two years from now and flunk out of school or produce an "un-hireable" transcript. This is an impossible situation and my heart goes out to you.