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Old 08-05-2010, 10:01 AM
1 posts, read 1,097 times
Reputation: 10


My DH is the youngest of 2 boys and his parents are divorced. His mom lives a few states away but his dad lives the next county over. When I met him he had just moved down here and was planning on attending a local college. He already had a certificate from a trade school he had attended.

About the whole time that I have known his dad he has been pretty critical of him. If he doesnt drop his plans and cater to his dad he has a fit. At one point he had a cell phone on his dads plan and because my DH didnt cancel his plans to go to a company picnic he suspended his cell phone service. Hid dad wanted him to come to his house and change the oil in his car.

At one point my DH's father told my parents that my husband was retarded and would never amount to anything so he is glad that I took him off his hands. My husband has a really good job as a company controller for a major automotive company and has had the same job for the last 5 years. His brother however, that is a different story.

His older brother has 5 kids with 3 different women and up until 6 months ago has never held a job longer than 3 months. His current wife and him live off of pell grant money and cash assistance from the state. His wife has been in college for 3 years to get a phlebotomist license.

About 2 years ago my father in law married a woman who has 2 girls in their early twenties. Neither one of them finished high school and are both recreational drug users. The oldest one is pregnant by a married man. My father in law convinced those girls to get a GED and he would help them pay for college. He is not a wealthy man he gets a VA check in the amount of 2100 a month. His wife works as a CNA and makes a little more than minimum wage.

Last year my DH who was only 23 at the time asks his dad for his college money so he can take some classes at a community college and his dad tells him he doesnt have it anymore. He gave it to his wifes kids!

For a while my husband and his father were fighting for a few months over this and all the while my in laws were asking to see their grandkids. I would take them over there for an hour or so at a time but the whole time I would have to listen to my FIL talk trash about my husband. Even when my husband is there he cant get a word in edge wise without his dad chiming in saying " well that aint nothing Mike did this".

My husband is hurt by this. Especially since he is the one that bends over backwords to help his dad. His brother basically sits back with his hand open.
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Old 08-05-2010, 10:09 AM
Location: southwestern PA
20,428 posts, read 34,047,568 times
Reputation: 38693
What are you asking?
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Old 08-05-2010, 10:14 AM
43,012 posts, read 86,137,087 times
Reputation: 30136
Sometimes good things good things come out of bad situations.

Your husband is probably more successful because he has always felt he needed to prove something to his father.

I think it's time you get your own family cell phone plan and start living your own lives with less interaction with your father in law.

Since he has since spent the college money, I see no reason remaining for your husband to continue to cave into his demands.

I'm sure your husband is hurt. Sometimes it's best to stay away from toxic people. Your husband doesn't need to constantly expose himself to this man anymore.
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Old 08-05-2010, 10:19 AM
1,963 posts, read 4,132,954 times
Reputation: 1425
Your fil sounds like a narcissist. Look up on the web the real meaning of this and you will see what I`am talking about. Your fil is abusive and mean to your husband and that will never change. Your fil has given up his rights to see the kids because of his behavior. He has made the choice to be a jerk to your husband. So with that choice comes consequences.

You can`t do anything about how your fil is. I wouldn`t have anything to do with someone who treated my family like that. In my opinion, the only way that your husband will get better from all of this is to not have anything to do with his dad. His dad WILL NOT change and if he remains in contact with his dad, he will just keep getting hurt. Plus, you don`t want this kind of person around your kids. These kind of pople get worse as they age, not better.
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Old 08-05-2010, 12:13 PM
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,508 posts, read 7,647,674 times
Reputation: 3303
Some people in this life are toxic. Your FIL sounds like one of them. Don't ask him for money, don't stay on his cell phone plan...he will use those things to manipulate....cuz that's the kind of person he is.

Don't get involved with the drama of other family members. If he wants to favor the loser son and step daughters and and give them all money, so what? It's his money to do with as he pleases. He doesn't owe your DH anything.

If your DH wants to continue to bend over backwards for his dad then he can't expect ANYTHING in return and he can't complain when he doesn't get anything but grief for his effort.

I'd not take my kids over there to hear their father disrespected. The minute it started up I'd leave and not come back. They can visit at your house IF they can behave themselves or not at all....your rules, their choice.
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Old 08-05-2010, 12:31 PM
14,756 posts, read 33,261,202 times
Reputation: 14181
Install a "set" and/or spine in your husband and tell him it is time for him to stand up for himself and stop basing his self worth on what his father thinks. He obviously owes him nothing and the father obviously has little respect or love for his son. The best thing to do would be to distance yourselves from them and for God's sake, keep your kids away from them. Nothing can undermine a child's respect and admiration for their father more than hearing him belittled by another authority figure in front of them.
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