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One last thing. Why does it have to be $800 for rent? You could ask for a smaller amount for him to show good faith. $800 is high rent for someone making only $22,000 per year.
It seems he's not interested in paying anything because "you told me I didn't have to." That's just so juvenile to me. And this person is coming up on their 30th birthday.
I also must have misunderstood. I thought this situation arose again because you found out that your husband was going to be losing his job. Because the two things were mentioned, I thought the money was needed to replace the lost income.
Needed or not though, whether it takes 4-8-10-20 years to get a Ph.D. is not relevant. He should be paying his own rent at this point. I know you "promised" him that he could stay there until X. If you really want to see what kind of person he is, simply say:
Mom: I need you to start paying rent next month. Dad is losing his job.
Son: But you promised I could stay there until I finish school. [ I am cringing typing this if it's coming out of a 29 year old man]
Mom: Well, yes I did and I meant it at the time but circumstances have changed now and with Dad not working we need to replace that income. So you need to start contributing. [It's none of his business whether you truly "need" the money or not]
Any answer other than "Okay, I will start paying next month" shows that he's self-centered and only interesting in pleasing himself.
Hopes brings up some great solutions (and understanding) to this situation, as does Lucy. Theoretical physics isn't something you can just "do" with a normal 9-5 job and a family to take care of. Heck, as soon as I started my career, I had to put my masters on hold, and that was just for electrical engineering.
First of all, you should be very proud of yourself that you and your husband were able to help your son manage a very demanding PhD program - plus allow him to do as YOU did, which is travel while young. You admit you sound jealous - but you also say you did travel as well.
My son is only four and a half months old, haha, but I am around the age of your son, and I am sure he is well aware of what you do for him, and is quite grateful. He is also a theoretical physicist, and from the few of those I know, they are a completely different sort of person, like Lucy said. He probably took you at your word when you left that agreement as open ended - and if he really is quite aware of your finances, then paying you is probably low on his list of priorities, especially considering what he is going through for this degree and maybe he knows that even if your husband retired you would be just fine.
Maybe you need to talk to him again about when this degree will be finished, and charge him a low amount of rent (maybe only $400) until then, and full rent afterwards if he chooses to stay. It really sounds like he doesn't make much money at all, and 90% of what he does make goes to traveling with his girlfriend.
Some subjects are pretty straight forward and relatively quick- 3 or 4 year- for masters and then Phd. But Theoretical Physics the average is 7 years.he showed it to me online at sometime. Even he was not aware it would take that long.
Quote:
The average length of time for completion of the Ph.D. program in physics is about five and a half years.
Candidates for the Ph.D degree must complete all requirements including examinations and the defense of the dissertation within no more than seven years of their first registration in the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences.
I think your son is taking advantage of you, and he lied on top of it all. Not even one university states a PhD in Theoretical Physics takes close to seven years. Columbia states seven years IS THEIR TIME LIMIT. If you're not finished by then, you're out of the program.
ALL of these are in reference to their Theoretical Physics PhD's.
Msm teacher has been very helpful. It has been so long since I was in college I had forgotten about the Academia Mindset. It really does exist and works for some people. God knows we need good teachers at every level. But I don't consider him a career student. He has a goal and is striving for it.
He has known since he was in grade school he wanted to study physics. He has many honors in his field and he is good. He acknowledges he is behind and is working hard to catch up.
2 weeks ago he crashed his bike and broke his right hand and had to have surgery. Now he has to walk to campus in 100 degree heat and humidity and got his cast soaked in the rain the other day. He never uttered a complaint about it. I happened to pass him in the car close to the apartment and saw him. He never even mentioned it to me.
I admit he is taking advantage to some degree. After all I started this thread with all this information. I've seen how others view the situation and I appreciate the time some have taken to help me deal with this.
Right now I'm still proud of him and wish him well. He knows the deadline and we will all deal with it then.
Thank you for your comments.
Just what the world needs...another brilliant...but starving theoretical physicist. Not only has he wasted his poor mom & dad's retirement income...but all that money spent on school on top of that. I hope he realizes that the successful, self supporting ones in his field make money by teaching, with lecturing and writing books. He sounds like he's ready to walk out into the world and say "Hello World...I'm here...and I'm ready to apply theory to any of your physics dilemas! Who wants to pay me for that?"
Not much demand in today's economy for a theoretical physicist. It's like getting a PhD in Philosophy...not much need for any Plato's today. He'd have a better chance at earning real money by attending Culinary School, IMO. Be prepared for a frequent begging hand as he continues "his journey" through real life. You're going to have to stick to your guns and say "NO"...or risk losing all your retirement earnings.
I hope he realizes that the successful, self supporting ones in his field make money by teaching, with lecturing and writing books. He sounds like he's ready to walk out into the world and say "Hello World...I'm here...and I'm ready to apply theory to any of your physics dilemas! Who wants to pay me for that?
Wondering where you came up with that? She said in her OP that he always knew he wanted to teach.
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
He always knew he wanted to get his phD and teach. He is a physicist. He has always known there would be no money in his chosen field and seemed ready to accept a life with few if any frills.
Wondering where you came up with that? She said in her OP that he always knew he wanted to teach.
Ooooops...I blew that one! Thanks for pointing that out. I hope he does get into teaching quickly, so as to relieve this financial burden on his elderly parents.
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