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Hello all!
Well I'm in my late 20s, and with my wonderful husband, have made the decision to move forward with family planning and start trying for our first child this winter.
MIL is thrilled, when she asked about this topic recently I let her know we were planning on having a go at it.
My mother however, I fear she's going to be a very reluctant grandparent. I don't know why, but the thought makes me somewhat sad. She keeps dropping hints that my husband and I should only have "fish" for the first ten years of marriage.
When I mentioned that we might be at that point to start trying for a family the other week, she turned very pale and looked odd. She keeps claiming she's "not ready yet". She asked if we had ever thought about "getting a dog".
I tried to ask her what her concerns were, but she couldn't tell me. She keeps acting very distant and even upset when baby related topics come up.
Do you think she is sad that I've grown up, or sad to realize time is moving on? Is it possible when the potential baby becomes a "real" baby, these unsettled feelings on her end will be resolved?
How do I minimize her pain and still carry on with starting a family? Should I just keep this part of my life to myself? Seems a little sad.
** Please note that my husband and I have full time jobs, a new and affordable house and no debt, so I don't think she's worried that she will be supporting a baby.
** Also, both my husband and I are emotionally stable and in a strong relationship with one another, so I don't think she's worried about us as parents.
Hello all!
Well I'm in my late 20s, and with my wonderful husband, have made the decision to move forward with family planning and start trying for our first child this winter.
MIL is thrilled, when she asked about this topic recently I let her know we were planning on having a go at it.
My mother however, I fear she's going to be a very reluctant grandparent. I don't know why, but the thought makes me somewhat sad. She keeps dropping hints that my husband and I should only have "fish" for the first ten years of marriage.
When I mentioned that we might be at that point to start trying for a family the other week, she turned very pale and looked odd. She keeps claiming she's "not ready yet". She asked if we had ever thought about "getting a dog".
I tried to ask her what her concerns were, but she couldn't tell me. She keeps acting very distant and even upset when baby related topics come up.
Do you think she is sad that I've grown up, or sad to realize time is moving on? Is it possible when the potential baby becomes a "real" baby, these unsettled feelings on her end will be resolved?
How do I minimize her pain and still carry on with starting a family? Should I just keep this part of my life to myself? Seems a little sad.
** Please note that my husband and I have full time jobs, a new and affordable house and no debt, so I don't think she's worried that she will be supporting a baby.
Who will take care of the baby when you go back to work? Maybe she is worried that you will ask her to babysit when you are at work and she's not up to it. Hard to say. Could you elaborate on that a little bit?
I have 3 kids and my mom never seemed excited or happy to hear that I was pregnant. However after they were born she loves those kids more than she loves me....honestly. I think your mother will come around when it becomes a real baby that she can cuddle and kiss.
Good luck to you and hoping that you get pregnant on the first try
I think its selfish of her to be making this all about herself and saying things like she's not ready yet. That's really unfair. Oh and congrats on the no debt part. I wish I could say the same thing.
Is she a "Young" middle age?? Maybe she's not ready to have the "grandmother" label applied to her. Some people really freak out about that sort of thing...
Who will take care of the baby when you go back to work? Maybe she is worried that you will ask her to babysit when you are at work and she's not up to it. Hard to say. Could you elaborate on that a little bit?
I have 3 kids and my mom never seemed excited or happy to hear that I was pregnant. However after they were born she loves those kids more than she loves me....honestly. I think your mother will come around when it becomes a real baby that she can cuddle and kiss.
Good luck to you and hoping that you get pregnant on the first try
I think its selfish of her to be making this all about herself and saying things like she's not ready yet. That's really unfair. Oh and congrats on the no debt part. I wish I could say the same thing.
Good insight Lisalan, perhaps she is worried about taking care of potential grandchildren during the work week. Perhaps it would be good for me to casually mention that our work place provides on-site daycare for their employees and we are so happy to have this available. Maybe that will lift a little cloud.
Yes, I was a little put off by the "I'm not ready yet" comment, or her "I wasn't really thinking about it yet" comment, or her constant hints that we've ONLY been married for X-amount of years, ect.
Once I get pregnant I may have to sit her down and just point blank ask what the real issue is if this continues.
I personally would have kept the "family planning" to my/& husbands self until we were pregnant. There is no reason to tell family/friends that you are planning for it, after all you are married and well usually it does happen after a while that you would have a child.
I personally would have kept the "family planning" to my/& husbands self until we were pregnant. There is no reason to tell family/friends that you are planning for it, after all you are married and well usually it does happen after a while that you would have a child.
Hi Carrie, yes I agree with you, both mothers involved seemed so curious about this (Now I discover for seemingly different reasons), that I thought we were having a girl-talk moment, maybe I spilled the beans with them too soon .
I agree with Carrie. As I've learned after 14 years of marriage, when you discuss these things in advance with his parents and your parents, you're seeking their approval (even if you don't think that's your intent). My parents were never a problem, but his mother and grandmother were pretty horrible for the first five or six years of our marriage.
When I was pregnant with my younger daughter but we weren't telling anyone yet (we waited until the second trimester because we didn't want adults talking about it in front of my older daughter until we were out of the first trimester), my husband's grandmother told us during a conversation about continuing our family that we didn't need to have any more children. Ouch, that hurt! The lesson I learned was to take control of our lives, stop seeking approval of his family, and go into everything with a "this is what we're doing" attitude that no one would question.
It took a while for his folks to adjust to him being an adult man with his own family, but adjust they did because we made it clear, gently but firmly, that our choices weren't open for discussion and that if they wanted a place in our family, they needed to start treating my husband like an adult.
Good insight Lisalan, perhaps she is worried about taking care of potential grandchildren during the work week. Perhaps it would be good for me to casually mention that our work place provides on-site daycare for their employees and we are so happy to have this available. Maybe that will lift a little cloud.
Yes, I was a little put off by the "I'm not ready yet" comment, or her "I wasn't really thinking about it yet" comment, or her constant hints that we've ONLY been married for X-amount of years, ect.
Once I get pregnant I may have to sit her down and just point blank ask what the real issue is if this continues.
In that case I pretty much guarantee that when you tell her she won't have to babysit the whole week her attitude will change
Hi Carrie, yes I agree with you, both mothers involved seemed so curious about this (Now I discover for seemingly different reasons), that I thought we were having a girl-talk moment, maybe I spilled the beans with them too soon .
I can see how that may be. You are excided to start this new life with your husband that you would want to share with those closest and dearest to you. But don't let what your mom said affect your decisions, after all, your life and future decisions are now based on what you and husband want together and "when" it is going to be, not be based on the decisions of "outer" family memebers or friends.
I personally don't think she's in fear of taking the child while your at work, I think when she says she's "not ready yet", she means she's not ready to be labled as "grandma".
If you aren't asking for any financial or time assistance with raising a child, than it is no one's business but you and your husband. By asking or making the statement it makes it sound like you are seeking approval as if this is a good idea. Based on your post it does kind of seem like that's the case.
At the end of the day your mother will either come to terms with her apparent issues or not. However, you cannot live your life based solely on her approval or terms. Move ahead with what you think is right for you and let her sort her own issues out. As long as you aren't seeking assistance than it really is none of her business.
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