Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Unfortunately, scenarios like that aren't uncommon where there are stepchildren. Parents often want to compensate to the child for a broken marriage and not being there for the child on a daily basis and the child (even if grownup) uses bad behaviour to "punish" the parent for not being there.
Even normal bad teen-aged, young adult behaviour gets tiptoed around because of parental guilt, and the stepparent cannot win. No matter what you say, no matter how reasonable/understanding you are trying to be, anything you say will be perceived as a criticism by the parent of the child.
In the short version of a very long story, my adult stepdaughter who had a home and life of her own and never lived with us, expected me to serve her breakfast in bed - after giving her a back massage. End result: very difficult time in my life and all the talking in the world did not help, so eventually, I am very sorry to report, my husband can visit her all she wants, but she does not come here. To her, I am the evil stepmother. And I am very sad about that but relationships are a two-way street.
It's fine and dandy to simply refuse to clean up the boy's mess but how long can anyone live like that? There is a possibility that no matter how messy things get, the boy will never clean up after himself. That makes your friend a stranger in her own home, in the one place she should be able to relax.
First rule is never to make threats you aren't prepared to back up, and if she is able to do so, she needs to decide what the minimum standard is that she can live with and relate it to her boyfriend. If he can't live with and enforce her minimum standards, she needs to be prepared to leave the relationship.
She does not need to have a discussion with the kid at all; it is really about the relationship between herself and her boyfriend. Discussing it with the kid will only make her into the bad guy forever, give her endless stress and allow the boyfriend to continue neglecting his parental responsibilities.
A little history, his mom was very strict and, it seems, they had a lot of chores. Now that he is with dad (and an adult), he doesn't feel the need to do any chores (nor does his dad require him to) or even pick up after himself.
What would you do?
Sounds like mom wasn't strict but did what she needed to do to keep these kids in check. Since when does having alot of chores make one strict? As long as I'm working to pay the bills and put a roof over your head and food on the table, the LEAST you could do is chores. That's called contributing to the family. Too bad alot of parents these days don't see it that way. Interesting how fast the son's attitude changed once he got over to dad's place.
If he doesn't have the b*lls to put his son in place and require him to clean up behind himself and contribute to the household by helping out then she needs to leave. Let dad and son live in a pig sty and see how long that lasts.
Too bad the US does not have a year or two of compulsary Military service like some Europeon Countries. Kids like this could use a few years of strict disipline and motivation to get their butts out of bed every morning.
If he was my son, I'd check on getting him into one of the services. It would do him a world of good and hopefully change him from being the loser he's about to be, to being a man.
He's actually going to college so he can enter the Army as an officer. He was in scouts and/or ROTC in high school, his plan was to go into the military all along. Personally, I think he is going in for all the wrong reasons. He likes the idea of people fearing him and he talks about killing like it's a game, all the time (and spends a lot of time playing those games). This is what the military is about for him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avienne
LOL! Thanks. It's what my mother would have done. Whenever our rooms got to be unbearably messy, she would just dump everything into one huge pile in the middle of the room, and we weren't allowed to go anywhere or do anything until the pile was dismantled. "And not into 14 small piles. PUT IT AWAY."
I have a theory: I think it's a generational thing. When I was a kid, it was parents vs. kids. If my parents went down the block and knocked on Mrs. Keegan's door, she would say, "Oh, gawd, what did Danny do NOW?" Not, "Not MY son," like so many of today's parents.
Of course, it didn't hurt that all of the parents knew each other socially and were always having parties in the neighborhood. All of the post-war cookie-cutter GI Bill houses in my neighborhood on Long Island came with bars in the basement, and the new suburbanites made good use of them. Each family was known for hosting one particular holiday--across the street was Independence Day because they had the built-in pool, across and down one was Labor Day, next door was Memorial Day, four doors down the other way was New Year's, my family was Halloween (one year my father painted the basement black just for the party). [/quote]
That's how I remember it.
Quote:
One reason I never had kids is because of other parents.
It's the reason I never wanted to be with someone with kids, even though I have one. I don't trust the parenting in today's times, not with what I see out there nowadays.
But you love selling their drama. Quite a hobby you have. Hobby away.
I love the spin you put on things, AC. It has been my experience that people who twist, exaggerate and distort look to create drama. You've already proven yourself twice on this thread. But you come back for more.
Only a real jack-wagon would extract that I enjoy "selling their drama" and find entertainment in it. A hobby? Project much? It makes sense that someone who follows me around digging at me and finding entertainment value in very real and very unfortunate situations would see it that way.
This is a relationship forum, there is drama, but you knew that. It is why you are here, even though you have so many more "hobbies" going for you.
Quote:
Oh by the way, can't wait for your next thread. Keep us posted
PTC, you're a good friend for caring so much about your friends' relationship. That said, you already know that there's nothing you can do about it. The solutions are pretty darn clear here and have already been put to you. Girlfriend has already broached the situation with the dad and has made requests to the son to clean up after himself. There's really not much else she can do at this point, other than ulterior motives and going on strike. It really is amazing how some parents have such a difficult time facing off with their kids and setting boundaries, giving responsibilities, and letting grown children know that those "chores and responsibilites" are their RENT!
"Okay buddy....let's say you rent an apartment with electric/WSG furnished. Your rent is $1,000 per month. Food is $400/mo, cable, phone & internet access $150/mo, personal care & laundry supplies $100/mo. That my little friend is $1,650 per month in living expenses. Here's how we're gonna work things. Either you're going to go out and get a job to come up with that money or you're going to fill out a time card here at the house. We'll pay you minimum wage to clean house/do yard work/cook, etc. Got it? Good? If you don't pay your rent & living expenses, this is the real world, you will be evicted!"
PTC, you're a good friend for caring so much about your friends' relationship. That said, you already know that there's nothing you can do about it. The solutions are pretty darn clear here and have already been put to you. Girlfriend has already broached the situation with the dad and has made requests to the son to clean up after himself. There's really not much else she can do at this point, other than ulterior motives and going on strike. It really is amazing how some parents have such a difficult time facing off with their kids and setting boundaries, giving responsibilities, and letting grown children know that those "chores and responsibilites" are their RENT!
"Okay buddy....let's say you rent an apartment with electric/WSG furnished. Your rent is $1,000 per month. Food is $400/mo, cable, phone & internet access $150/mo, personal care & laundry supplies $100/mo. That my little friend is $1,650 per month in living expenses. Here's how we're gonna work things. Either you're going to go out and get a job to come up with that money or you're going to fill out a time card here at the house. We'll pay you minimum wage to clean house/do yard work/cook, etc. Got it? Good? If you don't pay your rent & living expenses, this is the real world, you will be evicted!"
Thanks to you and all the others who contributed.
To be clear, I was not looking for advice, I was not asking what I should do about it or whether or not I should get involved. Nothing in my OP indicated that in the slightest; I already know where I stand on all that. I presented a situation to create a discussion, not even offering up my position at first because I wanted to know how others would handle it. Leave it to the resident black holes to derail it into how I need to mind my business and how deficient a person I am. Gotta take the bad with the good here on City Data.
It wouldn't be a problem for me, I wouldn't stick around. I didn't have to those issues with my son, I wouldn't accept it from anyone else's. I wouldn't subject anyone to a unruly child, I don't expect to have to put up with it.
I really believe that the schools should implement some kind of parenting classes for our kids.
First of all, this is not a "weird" problem. It's actually not so uncommon.
Secondly, I would love, for once, for you to back up your d*ckheaded comments as to which people are actually my friends and which are people I have come across or worked with in domestic violence situations. Since you follow my threads so much, repeating the same drivel above, you should be able to tell the difference.
Someone who stalks my threads and finds pleasure in poking fun at the "millions" of misfortunes isn't weird at all.
I personally love your topics, but that might be because I am a social worker. Whenever I see PTC is the OP, I know it's gonna be a good one. But I want to warn you about something just in case you are not aware since it has been brought up.
Even though you have not included identifying information on these people, if a reasonable person reads them and figures out who you are, and who the people in the posts are, and it is about the people you have worked with in domestic violence, you can be sued.
I know a person who spoke about a client in an elevator in a different city than he lives. Just so happens he was on the elevastor with a relative of the person he was discussing. His company was sued for breach of confidentiality, and that person is no longer a licensed social worker.
Theres been a few threads on the topic about neighbors and why people are so distant, a lot of opinion on why its happened.
This generation of parents take critizism of their kids as though its a personal attack on themselves, admitting their child is wrong, would be like admitting they hadn't taught them any differently and a reflextion of their parenting. In the end though, parents pay a price for all the defending and denial.
It's ironic, actually.
My own belief is that if your 15-year-old goes out and spraypaints the neighbor's car, you ought to be held accountable for that the same as your kid. If more parents were actually held accountable for what their minor-age children did, you'd see a whole lot less juvie crime and a whole lot more responsible young adults.
So, I think the defensiveness certain parents demonstrate is their own conscience kicking in. There could be many reasons for that--they know they're not around as much as they should be for their kids, they know their kids have behavioral problems but they haven't taken the kids in for evaluation or counseling, they know their methods of discipline haven't worked and are too proud to get help or try another way, etc.
He's actually going to college so he can enter the Army as an officer. He was in scouts and/or ROTC in high school, his plan was to go into the military all along. Personally, I think he is going in for all the wrong reasons. He likes the idea of people fearing him and he talks about killing like it's a game, all the time (and spends a lot of time playing those games). This is what the military is about for him.
I don't know how the Army trains its officers, but if it's one-fifth of what the Marines do, he's in for a HUGE surprise.
Things may have changed since the last time I was enmeshed in a military community, but if they haven't, with his attitude, I'm guessing he'll get kicked out of OCS (Officers Candidacy School).
I had a similar situation when I first moved in with my husband. Initially their son was supposed to live with Mom. Well, she abdicated more and more but her influence was always here. Finally, after seeing the disrespect his son gave me when he wasn't around, my husband put his foot down. He made it clear to his son that he would back me all the way.
Your friend doesn't have that. I understand that she wants her home to be bugless and neat. That isn't going to happen. Dad is a pushover and will only deal with the situation when he has no choice. What I would do is:
have a chat with Dad explaining that his son is disrespecting each of them and his home environment. That the home is becoming just a place to live and is a house, not a home. I would make sure Dad understands that girlfriend will not stay much longer but will give Dad some opportunity to change the situation to one of cooperation and girlfriend will back out of the picture where son is concerned - 100%. She will not cook, clean, do laundry for him, she will not remove his dishes from the living room, clean the kitchen, will not shop for groceries for him. Regardless who makes the mess, she has to ignore it. She will find that she is spending time in her bedroom as it will be the only room that is not filled with the slob's mess. Dad will be coming home from work and cleaning up after his son.
If it were me in this situation, I would buy groceries for that day alone for 2 - that way ensuring there is nothing for sonny boy. I would clean up everything that was mine and mine alone. One dish, one fork, one knife. That's how Dad expects his son to be - it's not all his mess - no, it's family mess and everyone is responsible - but not in Dad's eyes - so let him do it all. I would cook enough for me and Dad - or even me alone. And I would be making plans to get myself out of there.
Dad is making a choice - his child over his girlfriend. I don't blame mother for not wanting her son to stay with her - he is a brat with a sense of entitlement that his father is assisting. Let him see how pleasant life will be with just the 2 of them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
As long as I'm working to pay the bills and put a roof over your head and food on the table, the LEAST you could do is chores. That's called contributing to the family. Too bad alot of parents these days don't see it that way. Interesting how fast the son's attitude changed once he got over to dad's place. 
