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Old 08-24-2010, 01:58 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,740 posts, read 1,709,995 times
Reputation: 1385
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
So i've noticed.

I am 20, I am turning 21 on Wednesday.
I've grown up in a single parent home my whole life, exposed to ****head men who weren't worth a damn all while watching my mom have HER mom pay for things.
See, if that's true then.... pot meet kettle? What people criticize the harshest is what they're probably guilty of themselves. Your mom is very harsh about your not standing on your own two feet. But if what you say here is true, then..... pot meet kettle.

Quote:
I've grown up with her mirco-managing my life. I HAVE a helicopter parent.
I've grown up not being made to do chores, never had a punishment followed through with, always bailed out of situations and never made to do a damn thing I didn't want to do. Getting everything I could possibly want except a car.
I was raised in a similarily lax environment. Then I got out on my own and was totally clueless. Too many parents forget they're supposed to be molding their kids to face the real world. Sad but true. Take that lesson with you though. When you have your own kids down the road, remember that. Remember what they forgot - that you're raising a future adult.

Quote:
Despite all this she still has been oddly controlling, been super strict in the weirdest of areas and had the most f'd up reasoning behind some things.
"Women only wear make up to get sex from men"
"Tampons are only for women who are ready for sex or who have had sex."
Sounds like Carrie White's mother's sister.

Quote:
For some reason, she is snooty, above everyone else who isn't up to her standards,even to her own family, my brother now acts like this.
If that's indeed true, then it's projection. The people who try to act like they're better than others do so because they feel the opposite. They feel inferior.

Quote:
I've grown up with her being knee deep in my every move, every everything. Whether it was school or my social life, she was knee deep and kicking.
She's always been mentally and verbally abusive towards me.
Always telling me my eye brows looked like almond slivers. (She meant it as a cut down.)Or after I dyed my hair and the lady messed it up and I had to have it dyed twice, my hair was really dry and she used to tell me EVERYDAY, my hair looked like "nasty straw". She cuts down my appearance everyday, always trying to tell me something looks bad on me or that something I like or whatever is stupid or nasty or wrong.
That's not right.

Quote:
I was never taught any good money managing skills, never saved through high school or was made to save anything, never made to pay for anything.
Well that's more of what you said before. You weren't prepared properly. But you're an adult now and you have to finish parenting yourself. Take a money management class. Get advice from another trusted adult. Do what you have to do.


Quote:
I'm spoiled. I'm used to the finer things in life. I am used to having opposed to not. I like things and items, I don't plan on living a life of little or going without...I once was there, lived it but couldn't afford the t-shirt....I'm not going back.
It's not THINGS that create happiness. You'll have that down the road, if you want it and you set your sites on it. But that's not top priority now. Right now it's getting out of that house and paying your own way. You won't have everything you want but you'll build self-respect that way.

Quote:
NOW, I am stuck living at home till I can land some jobs to make enough money to move out.
I AM trying to change things in my life.
I AM trying to do what I need to do. (Work, go to college, experience life.)
Here's what you need to do. (Experience talking here.) Take ANY job out there. And I mean anything. Try to get something with 40 hours. Don't take much less than that, unless you're getting tips.
You may need to get two jobs. You may need to do some courses online. And it may need to be a part-time thing right now. Harsh, but true. You're an adult now and your top priority is paying your own way. Try to get one or more dependable roommates.

Quote:
Sure, I am immature, its a side effect of my upbringing.
Sure, my priorities are skewed. I rather have a cell phone now and wait till insurance comes with my job to have insurance.
I won't lie, it's a new world now. You probably need a phone. But you sure don't need anything fancy right now. A state of the art blackberry that costs $500 - that's not top priority.

Quote:
I don't go do illegal activities anymore than the next normal 20 year old.
?? Do you need to do any?

Quote:
Ok sure, I've drank outside my house on occasion (in my state its legal on your parents property with their permission), I've sped before, I'm pretty sure I've been out past town curfew once or twice when I was under 18 and there was that one time I TRIED weed and didn't like it. I go to college, I work, I hang out with my friends, I have my major planned and I am not deterring from it, I have my career goals set and set high.
That's fine, but again... you may need to go down to part-time. You don't need to give up school. But you also need to make a living.

Quote:
I don't think any of my request are unreasonable.
I don't want my mail read.
That's ridiculous. Then, see? You need out.
(And obviously, not just because SHE wants you out.) Because she doesn't respect your boundaries.

Quote:
I don't want a curfew set on me. If I want to be out all night that's up to me, as long as I am not waking anyone up at 4am then it doesn't matter.
I don't want ridiculous things like a bed time and wake time set on me. I have school and I have work and I need to sleep according to MY schedule.
I don't want to be made fun of or cut down.
I don't want to feel like a 16 year old being interrogated every time I want to go out.
I don't want to be slammed on facebook by a grown woman who should know better.

I am glad she does what she does for me.
I am happy I have a place to stay and food to eat.
I just want some space and freedom, I want to start edging out on my own and sliding into my own life.
If I want to go out till 4am with work the next day at 9am and I can get in without waking anyone up and am up for work the next day, then I don't see why anyone should interfere.


I'm not a bad person, I don't deserve a lot of the stuff she says/does to me and I don't deserve a lot of what people have said here.

K I've said my peace for now.
Yeah yeah. Then you just need to get out. Simple as that. Don't want her rules, don't live there.

 
Old 08-24-2010, 01:59 AM
 
40,271 posts, read 43,279,127 times
Reputation: 25325
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
They aren't the only positive things I said.
I said I was smart, I was worked towards finishing my education, I have a job.
It's still a short list. You need to spend more time discovering and enjoying your positive personality traits and less time focusing on the negative traits of others.
 
Old 08-24-2010, 02:01 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,740 posts, read 1,709,995 times
Reputation: 1385
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
By law, her mother owes her nothing.
She owed her preparation for the real world, which she didn't obviously get... and now she's blaming her for it.

Quote:
Of course! But her mother isn't posting on CityData. If her mother were posting here, I would address her mother.
Even without her being here, people are certainly giving her the benefit of the doubt a lot more than I think is necessary...
 
Old 08-24-2010, 02:07 AM
 
40,271 posts, read 43,279,127 times
Reputation: 25325
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
Yeah yeah. Then you just need to get out. Simple as that. Don't want her rules, don't live there.
We've been telling her forever that she needs to move. She won't leave.

She's perfectly willing to trade her freedom to have luxuries and then she comes here to complain about not having freedom.

That's it in a nutshell. It's so circular.
 
Old 08-24-2010, 02:10 AM
 
40,271 posts, read 43,279,127 times
Reputation: 25325
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
Even without her being here, people are certainly giving her the benefit of the doubt a lot more than I think is necessary...
People simply want her to realize that she can't do anything about her mother. She can only work on herself. Blame is holding her back.
 
Old 08-24-2010, 02:27 AM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,384 posts, read 2,870,375 times
Reputation: 2317
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
See, if that's true then.... pot meet kettle? What people criticize the harshest is what they're probably guilty of themselves. Your mom is very harsh about your not standing on your own two feet. But if what you say here is true, then..... pot meet kettle.

Thing is, I don't date much. I am HIGHLY picky when it comes to guys. I date decent guys and I don't let myself fall into anything bad.

I was raised in a similarily lax environment. Then I got out on my own and was totally clueless. Too many parents forget they're supposed to be molding their kids to face the real world. Sad but true. Take that lesson with you though. When you have your own kids down the road, remember that. Remember what they forgot - that you're raising a future adult.

True that.

Sounds like Carrie White's mother's sister.

I know right?

If that's indeed true, then it's projection. The people who try to act like they're better than others do so because they feel the opposite. They feel inferior.

I don't feel inferior to anyone but her and its because the things she says. She makes me second guess myself and feel wrong.
Most the time I am very comfortable with who I am and how I am and then she goes and pisses in my wheaties!!!

That's not right.

I know. It's not.
She tells me when I was a toddler, I used to hate curly hair, I would call it foofoo poodle hair and that it really insulted her when AS A TODDLER, I would say she had foofoo poodle hair.

Well that's more of what you said before. You weren't prepared properly. But you're an adult now and you have to finish parenting yourself. Take a money management class. Get advice from another trusted adult. Do what you have to do.

And that's what I am slowly but surely doing.
I work and go to school, I am looking for a second job that pays more.
I am planning and setting up my escape from home.


It's not THINGS that create happiness. You'll have that down the road, if you want it and you set your sites on it. But that's not top priority now. Right now it's getting out of that house and paying your own way. You won't have everything you want but you'll build self-respect that way.

As a facebook fan page once said, Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.



Here's what you need to do. (Experience talking here.) Take ANY job out there. And I mean anything. Try to get something with 40 hours. Don't take much less than that, unless you're getting tips.
You may need to get two jobs. You may need to do some courses online. And it may need to be a part-time thing right now. Harsh, but true. You're an adult now and your top priority is paying your own way. Try to get one or more dependable roommates.

I have one job getting anywhere between 20-30 hours a week. They can't give me much more. Trust me I am looking for anything.
I have 1 in class class, 1 online class and 2 half and half classes.


I won't lie, it's a new world now. You probably need a phone. But you sure don't need anything fancy right now. A state of the art blackberry that costs $500 - that's not top priority.

Lol. My blackberry doesn't cost $500.
I can take it to t-mobile and pay next to nothing every month for my bill.


?? Do you need to do any?

I was ONLY talking about drinking. That's like the second to worst that i've ever done besides the one time trying weed.
And its legal for me to drink in less than 24 hours.


That's fine, but again... you may need to go down to part-time. You don't need to give up school. But you also need to make a living.

I am working part time. Making $7 an hour, totaling between $400 and $500 a month.

That's ridiculous. Then, see? You need out.
(And obviously, not just because SHE wants you out.) Because she doesn't respect your boundaries.

I do...in due time. I can't rush this, I don't want to live in poverty.
My mom moved out when she was 18. She didn't finish college because she had to work to keep herself afloat. She NEVER pulled herself back out of that slump. I'm going to make sure when I go out on my own, that the only way I'll be going is up and that I won't slump down.



Yeah yeah. Then you just need to get out. Simple as that. Don't want her rules, don't live there.
My whole point is that once someone turns 18 and they live at home, their parents shouldn't even fathom setting a curfew for reasons they would a child, or telling their child they can't date or whatever.
They should see that they are 18, an adult, preparing for the real world and treating them like a child is detrimental.

When I have kids and they are 18, if they live at home, I wouldn't dare dreaming telling them they had a curfew, if they want to go out till 4am so be it but they better not wake me up. I wouldn't tell them what to wear, if they could or couldn't date, I wouldn't invade their privacy, I wouldn't read their mail.
Only reason I would search their room is if I thought there was drugs, drugs will be a huge no go in my house.

If I have an 20 year old who wants to go spend the night at her boyfriends apartment, who am I to say no?
She won't even have to ask. A simple, "Mom, i'll be at so and so house for tonight." will suffice.

I don't get this whole parents controlling their kids after they turn 18.
I understand courtesy, don't wake others up, don't make a mess, contribute something to the house, clean up your messes, etc but why in the world would a parent tell their 18+ they had a curfew of 10pm, that they couldn't date, watch certain movies, why would they control what they wear and where they do? What the hell possesses these people to be that effing insane that they have to dictate like that?
 
Old 08-24-2010, 02:58 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,740 posts, read 1,709,995 times
Reputation: 1385
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
My whole point is that once someone turns 18 and they live at home, their parents shouldn't even fathom setting a curfew for reasons they would a child, or telling their child they can't date or whatever.
They should see that they are 18, an adult, preparing for the real world and treating them like a child is detrimental.

When I have kids and they are 18, if they live at home, I wouldn't dare dreaming telling them they had a curfew, if they want to go out till 4am so be it but they better not wake me up. I wouldn't tell them what to wear, if they could or couldn't date, I wouldn't invade their privacy, I wouldn't read their mail.
Only reason I would search their room is if I thought there was drugs, drugs will be a huge no go in my house.

If I have an 20 year old who wants to go spend the night at her boyfriends apartment, who am I to say no?
She won't even have to ask. A simple, "Mom, i'll be at so and so house for tonight." will suffice.

I don't get this whole parents controlling their kids after they turn 18.
I understand courtesy, don't wake others up, don't make a mess, contribute something to the house, clean up your messes, etc but why in the world would a parent tell their 18+ they had a curfew of 10pm, that they couldn't date, watch certain movies, why would they control what they wear and where they do? What the hell possesses these people to be that effing insane that they have to dictate like that?

Bottom line, you need to set yourself a deadline. Not just because it's what your mom wants, but you should want it for yourself. Say 3-4 months. I'm sure you can afford a studio apartment by yourself. It's scary, I know. But by the time you do it, you'll be wondering what the heck you were waiting for.
 
Old 08-24-2010, 03:14 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,740 posts, read 1,709,995 times
Reputation: 1385
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
People simply want her to realize that she can't do anything about her mother. She can only work on herself. Blame is holding her back.

That's easier said than done. It was a torturous thing for me... I've finally come to terms with the fact that I just need to move away from my mother. I think only then will we have a healthy relationship, honestly.

But that's a slightly different situation.

I guess I'm not clear on this point - Txtqueen, are you paying any rent? I do not think it would be unreasonable for your mom to ask you for some rent. I don't know all your expenses, your job, etc. But say... $100? Is that a fair estimate? Some people might even consider that low.

I don't see a thing wrong with a kid (yeah, 20 is a kid) living at home if she's going to school, she's got a job, she's pulling her weight, and paying some rent. 18-22, that's college age.

I think, Txtqueen, your mom's only got herself to blame if she's been letting you freeload. (Even if you DO help out around the house.) You don't say it, but I know part of it is that you're just plain scared. You don't feel ready for that world out there. Much of that is your mom's fault, let's face it.

You've been spoiled, yeah. And it's also a very tough break now that you are forced to now go out there like this. Spoiled, clueless... but... your life's in your own hands now. Your relationship with her is unhealthy and you just need to leave, simple as that.
 
Old 08-24-2010, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Wallis and Futuna
11,166 posts, read 14,345,939 times
Reputation: 16240
I just did the math...first of all minimum wage in Colorado is 7.24, not 7. Federal is 7.25 and state law says that employers could be required to pay federal minimum. It's just a 1-cent difference but it's a good number so we'll go with that.

7.25 x 20 hours per week minimum x 4 weeks to a month = 580. If you were in school full time you wouldn't be paying income tax since you're under 25 years old but you blew that perk so call it an even $500.00 per month after taxes. That's minimum.

If you really are working 30 hours some weeks, then a maximum (30 hours every week) would be 870.00 minus federal tax and social security tax. So call it around 780/month.

You say rent is 400 including utilities. It looks to me like if you have a roommate to share expenses (which you claim you have) then you can afford to move out.

Either that, or you're lying about something. Or several things. Which is much more likely given your history here on City-Data.
 
Old 08-24-2010, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,922 posts, read 4,767,464 times
Reputation: 19002
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
See, if that's true then.... pot meet kettle? What people criticize the harshest is what they're probably guilty of themselves. Your mom is very harsh about your not standing on your own two feet. But if what you say here is true, then..... pot meet kettle.



I was raised in a similarily lax environment. Then I got out on my own and was totally clueless. Too many parents forget they're supposed to be molding their kids to face the real world. Sad but true. Take that lesson with you though. When you have your own kids down the road, remember that. Remember what they forgot - that you're raising a future adult.
And yet you were here, at 30 years old, complaining about your mom & stepdad, whom YOU were living with, until you could get out. Are you STILL living at home?


Sounds like Carrie White's mother's sister.



If that's indeed true, then it's projection. The people who try to act like they're better than others do so because they feel the opposite. They feel inferior.



That's not right.



Well that's more of what you said before. You weren't prepared properly. But you're an adult now and you have to finish parenting yourself. Take a money management class. Get advice from another trusted adult. Do what you have to do.




It's not THINGS that create happiness. You'll have that down the road, if you want it and you set your sites on it. But that's not top priority now. Right now it's getting out of that house and paying your own way. You won't have everything you want but you'll build self-respect that way.



Here's what you need to do. (Experience talking here.) Take ANY job out there. And I mean anything. Try to get something with 40 hours. Don't take much less than that, unless you're getting tips.
You may need to get two jobs. You may need to do some courses online. And it may need to be a part-time thing right now. Harsh, but true. You're an adult now and your top priority is paying your own way. Try to get one or more dependable roommates.



I won't lie, it's a new world now. You probably need a phone. But you sure don't need anything fancy right now. A state of the art blackberry that costs $500 - that's not top priority.



?? Do you need to do any?



That's fine, but again... you may need to go down to part-time. You don't need to give up school. But you also need to make a living.



That's ridiculous. Then, see? You need out.
(And obviously, not just because SHE wants you out.) Because she doesn't respect your boundaries.



Yeah yeah. Then you just need to get out. Simple as that. Don't want her rules, don't live there.
Isn't that exactly what we told YOU? Are you out yet?
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