Bashing your own child on facebook (grandpa, student, techniques, sister)

[MSPLove]

Originally Posted by Aconite

Were projection universal, it would not be remarkable.

There's a difference-- a very big difference-- between having an interest in a specific thread, or even having an affinity (or lack thereof) with a different poster, and projection.
Projection is a defense mechanism, by definition an extreme. Projection is seeing that affinity as sameness, and filling in another's details with one's own. To wit:

Mom's really getting the benefit of the doubt. And of course some people just automatically assume the kid is at fault in all these scenarios. Yeah she's spoiled and she needs now to take some responsibility. (I also know she's stalling a little because she's nervous to go out there. Whether she'll admit that or not, I know that's part of it.) And then another part of it is depression and lack of self-confidence. Which, no doubt, her mom is partly responsible for. Whether Txtqueen realizes this or not, I don't know. But I'll bet that's all part of why she's taking so long.

Saying "I disagree and think Mom's the villain in this scenario" is not projecting. It's opinion. The diagnosis which follows, however, combined with your insertion of your own issues in not just this post but others, is classic.

There's a treatment aphorism which says "when your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail". You appear to be holding a hammer.


To moderators: a derail, but Minnie did ask. Now, to return to our regularly scheduled entertainment...

Oh I like the nickname Minnie.

Anyhoo, that red part.... as I typed that the first time I knew I was talking about myself. But my gut instinct knows that's partially true about her. Part of it may be plain not wanting to work but I know she's scared too.

[Aconite]

Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite

Oh I like the nickname Minnie.

Anyhoo, that red part.... as I typed that the first time I knew I was talking about myself. But my gut instinct knows that's partially true about her. Part of it may be plain not wanting to work but I know she's scared too.

Well, no. You don't know, you believe. You don't actually know she's not a forty-seven year old man posting from a jail in Mississippi, making up the persona to while away the hours of incarceration. And your beliefs about her mood and motivations are grounded entirely in your own feelings.

Unless, of course, you're the incarcerated guy in Mississippi. ;o)

[strawflower]

I think txtqueen should really consider the military (although with all her whining, I don't know how the hell she'd handle it, but that's besides the point). I always knew that if something happened where I couldn't get into college or support myself, I'd join the military. I DID NOT want to be in your shoes, living at home at 21 and feeling stranded. Thankfully, I didn't have to go down the road of being in the military, but it's something you should seriously consider.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by strawflower

I think txtqueen should really consider the military (although with all her whining, I don't know how the hell she'd handle it, but that's besides the point). I always knew that if something happened where I couldn't get into college or support myself, I'd join the military. I DID NOT want to be in your shoes, living at home at 21 and feeling stranded. Thankfully, I didn't have to go down the road of being in the military, but it's something you should seriously consider.

that's not a bad idea. I have a cousin who is 19. After a year of living at home, not being able to find a job, not wanting to go to school, she left for Navy basic training this week.

[maciesmom]

The military has been suggested several times over several threads. She totally ignores the suggestion. She doesn't even bother to come up with a reason it won't work.

[txtqueen]

Originally Posted by NCyank

True enough. The option has been suggested several times. I don't think she's ever answered why the military isn't an option.

Well, here's my answer: I'm scared too. I don't think I would make it through boot camp. Then there is signing away years of my life with a chance of deployment to a country that I don't agree with. I don't agree with the way their women are treated and I don't agree with most they do. I guess I'm sensitive about it all. 9/11 hit hard to me.
Then there is the whole thing about how it would be worse than being at home..
Not only would I have someone MAKING me go to bed and wake up at certain times but I'd have someone MAKING me clean etc.
You don't get to take anything of your own and are controlled in every aspect.

Originally Posted by Aconite

Were projection universal, it would not be remarkable.

There's a difference-- a very big difference-- between having an interest in a specific thread, or even having an affinity (or lack thereof) with a different poster, and projection.
Projection is a defense mechanism, by definition an extreme. Projection is seeing that affinity as sameness, and filling in another's details with one's own. To wit:

Mom's really getting the benefit of the doubt. And of course some people just automatically assume the kid is at fault in all these scenarios. Yeah she's spoiled and she needs now to take some responsibility. (I also know she's stalling a little because she's nervous to go out there. Whether she'll admit that or not, I know that's part of it.) And then another part of it is depression and lack of self-confidence. Which, no doubt, her mom is partly responsible for. Whether Txtqueen realizes this or not, I don't know. But I'll bet that's all part of why she's taking so long.

Saying "I disagree and think Mom's the villain in this scenario" is not projecting. It's opinion. The diagnosis which follows, however, combined with your insertion of your own issues in not just this post but others, is classic.

There's a treatment aphorism which says "when your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail". You appear to be holding a hammer.


To moderators: a derail, but Minnie did ask. Now, to return to our regularly scheduled entertainment...

Whether or not she was projecting, she's right.
And I don't see it as projecting, I see it as been there done that and know what its like and what that person goes through.

You know its like being in a car crash and knowing how the others in the car felt. You all went through the same thing, you all know how it feels, pain fear anxiousness etc..

Minnie knows what its like to be in this kind of situation. She knows how it goes and how and must feel to be going through something she can relate to.

Originally Posted by Nexis4Jersey

1. Get some boxes and move out
2. Take public Transit to avoid fighting with mom in the car
3. unfriend her form your FB
4. Move 600miles East of your current location
5. Dissolve all Family ties
6 And stop complaining.

What's up with 4 and 5?
I'm not a fan of the east coast...
Can I just move to Arizona and call it a day? Lol
And hey grandma loves me...I don't want to dissolve that tie.

Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite

Oh I like the nickname Minnie.

Anyhoo, that red part.... as I typed that the first time I knew I was talking about myself. But my gut instinct knows that's partially true about her. Part of it may be plain not wanting to work but I know she's scared too.

Its not that I don't want to work its just that I don't think throwing myself into poverty is the way to go.
I think working with my mom on the issues we have is whats best.
I DO want a relationship with my mom, a good one.

I don't want to up and move and be poor all the time and have nothing and WASTE these years of my life struggling to pull myself through with no promise of ever getting out. That's what WILL happen if this isn't thoroughly planned and a safe plan at that.

I'm watching two people around my age move out, both of them their plans are crappy. My one friend works 8am -10pm most days, she isn't going to school, she's living pay check to pay check with no other plans except to be able to pay for her stuff now and just get by. When you are in that situation, you hardly ever get back out.

I want to be steady, safe and planned. I want a job that pays enough that I COULD afford to live on my own if I needed, pay for utilities, pay for a cell phone, cable/internet and going out money/money to save.

I really do care about my education. I love my classes this semester. After talking with an advisor at college I found out I can get a two year in criminal justice and its a lot quicker to get that than a two year in general education.

All the cops/adults I know are MY AGE or like 22-28 and they are in steady careers, they can afford an apartment with room mates, blackberrys, going out etc, they all go do stuff like go to vegas together, they go rock climbing and camping together. They have albums on facebook of all the stuff they go do and I want that as well.

I want to get a good job before I take the leap to move out. I don't want to end up like my mom, who moved out at 18, didn't finish college, had me at 25 and forever lived doing without.

That's just not me.
I want better for myself.

A bunch of dispatch jobs just opened up for the department I used to be with, THAT job would allow me to move out and give me experience in my field.

When I whine, I don't want people to coddle me and agree with me. I want a better option that just move out. I want to FIX my issues, not run away from them or ignore them.

This whole thing with my mom isn't going to just fix itself. Maybe there's something I can say to her, something we can do together and work on our issues. Maybe set aside some alone time for each other, mother daughter time. Maybe counseling...something.

I don't want to just move out and forget about her and never speak to her again...that;s stupid and immature. I want to work on my issues. I already don't have my dad in my life to walk me down the isle when I get married but I want my mom to be there etc. I want my kids to have the traditional two sets of grandparents etc.

[txtqueen]

Oh and before you say if I can't make it through boot camp then I won't be able to make it through police academy, you're wrong.

They are totally different. You don't go off to police academy, you go home at the end of the night.
It's a lot of classwork and SOME pt, especially with the police academies around here, some of the barely do PT, they are moving to mostly classroom work.

The academy at my school has classes you go to and then you take like a weight training class and a life fitness class. EASY.

[AnonChick]

You won't even make it past the physical. Give up on being a cop, pull your head from the sand that is your fantasy of what you would like your life to be like, and open your eyes to what you are actually capable of doing.

You are not physically capable of being a cop. You have back problems, chronic tendinitis, and are not capable of standing on your feet inside a climate-controlled building for four hours without complaining about it.

You don't have the self-discipline or the interest in self-discipline necessary to obey orders without question and not make excuses as to why you don't think you need to do so.

You have admitted to breaking the law, and have demonstrated absolutely zero accountability for it, but instead have excused your behavior by claiming that the laws weren't big deals and everyone does it. This is the kind of mentality that 12-year-olds have, not 20-year-olds.

[txtqueen]

Originally Posted by AnonChick

You won't even make it past the physical. Give up on being a cop, pull your head from the sand that is your fantasy of what you would like your life to be like, and open your eyes to what you are actually capable of doing.

You are not physically capable of being a cop. You have back problems, chronic tendinitis, and are not capable of standing on your feet inside a climate-controlled building for four hours without complaining about it.

You don't have the self-discipline or the interest in self-discipline necessary to obey orders without question and not make excuses as to why you don't think you need to do so.

You have admitted to breaking the law, and have demonstrated absolutely zero accountability for it, but instead have excused your behavior by claiming that the laws weren't big deals and everyone does it. This is the kind of mentality that 12-year-olds have, not 20-year-olds.

*********.
I hurt my back and its been getting better.
My shoulder flares up on some occasions.
And anytime I have complained about my feet is after working those 7-8 hour shifts. I DON'T WORK LESS THAN 5 HOURS AT A TIME, so you're little twist right there is BS.

I find it hard to obey a BEDTIME at my age or other meaning less child-like rules. I was an explorer for a year and a half and I know what its like to follow orders without questioning them. I CAN FOLLOW ORDERS WITHOUT QUESTIONING because I know in law enforcement no ones going to steer me wrong or make me do something questionable.
But when my mom tells me to do something that is purely TO CONTROL ME JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO, I find that hard to just sit back and take.

And did you know a lot of cops were HELLIANS when they were teenagers?
I know deputies who used to smoke pot when they were teenagers.
I know cops who used to get into fights in high school.
ALL the cops I know have done some sort of trespassing, under age drinking, smoking pot, fighting as teenagers. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING DIFFERENT, except not getting into fights, I'm not a fighter.

And you know they are damn good cops now. They got their acts together and stopped doing what they were doing and them doing those things gives them the extra edge to be able to advocate NOT doing those things because they know first hand what it brings you.

So back down.

[strawflower]

Txtqueen, I really don't get you. At all. A week or so ago, you say you're moving out of the house soon. Today, we're back with the same old crap. Let me ask you: is moving out your #1 priority, or would you rather stay home and be subjected to this, yet be able to complain to everyone how awful your life is? My next question will be asked after you answer this.