Are they bad parents, or am I a bad friend? (babysitting, baby)

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by syracusa

Uhh...



and...



I am 100% convinced that if those parents dealt with the kids the way kids have always been dealt with until recently, the OP would NOT complain about kids being there. Ask the OP.

I did and did not get an answer. I think you are reading a lot into the situation.

[JC JC Mom]

Originally Posted by LisaMc46

My best friend was single until last year. When we want to get together she picks up a pizza on a night when my husband is working. We eat pizza with my older kids (ages 11 and 8) and then send them into the living room to play or watch a movie while we have some wine and adult conversation on my front porch. My infant will hang out with us and my friend usually wants to hold her and has never seemed bothered to have her there. Sometimes the older kids will join us briefly to see what we're doing, but for the most part they'd rather be playing than talking about politics and adult topics.

This is Exactly what me and my best friend do. Niether of us sees the need for a babysitter just to hang out. So we order in or make kid friendly foods have them play outside, watch a movie, play the wii. While we get to sit have have a glass of wine and have some adult conversation.

[carolinacool]

Originally Posted by NJGOAT

It involves a little give and take on both sides. My wife and I take turns occasionally having a night out with our respective friends, they in turn understand the lengths we may have had to go to make it happen and don't get upset when we say we need to go home at midnight versus hitting the bar for a nightcap.

Yes. Perfect recent example. I went to the movies this past weekend with two friends - one is newly divorced with no kids. The other is married with a 5-year-old. We made tentative plans to grab a quick dinner afterward. Before I left home, my 8-month-old was in a bit of mood. After the movie, I called to check in and my son was still crabby and DH sounded like he was near the end of his rope. I decided I should just head home. My childless friend kept trying to get me to go - "Come on. We're just getting pizza. It won't take long, etc." My friend with the kid looked at me and just said "go."

A year ago, I was just like my friend. But things do change. And the thing is, I wanted to eat! I didn't want to go home to a cranky baby and possibly cranky DH. I wanted to have pizza with my friends. But things change.

[Momma_bear]

Originally Posted by carolinacool

Yes. Perfect recent example. I went to the movies this past weekend with two friends - one is newly divorced with no kids. The other is married with a 5-year-old. We made tentative plans to grab a quick dinner afterward. Before I left home, my 8-month-old was in a bit of mood. After the movie, I called to check in and my son was still crabby and DH sounded like he was near the end of his rope. I decided I should just head home. My childless friend kept trying to get me to go - "Come on. We're just getting pizza. It won't take long, etc." My friend with the kid looked at me and just said "go."

A year ago, I was just like my friend. But things do change. And the thing is, I wanted to eat! I didn't want to go home to a cranky baby and possibly cranky DH. I wanted to have pizza with my friends. But things change.

And things continue to change. Although it is hard when your kids are really small, they do grow up and you will again be able to have pizza with your friends without having to plan it for a week in advance. Your kids are small for a very short time.

[hcloca]

hey there, sorry i did not respond. i had houseguests the past 2 days.

let me reiterate that i do NOT hate kids. i do NOT wish for the kids to be "discarded" 100% of the time. i have nieces and godchildren, whom i miss after a few weeks/months of not seeing them. HOWEVER, when i do see them, THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY AFTER SPENDING MORE THAN 1 FULL DAY WITH THEM.

on that note, let me also clarify that i do not ever wish to have children (maybe the HOAPREZ should adopt some orphans of her own) because they are too expensive and too much work. i love being an aunt and a godmother, but i do not wish to care for children full-time EVER. i love children---IN SMALL DOSES.

in addition, i wish for there to be a few days a year of kid-free time with my loved ones. and i also wish that if these people come to visit, that they NOT expect me to want to spend several FULL days helping them taking care of their small children. which is basically what happens when they come visit. it's like they "check out" and i am expected to help do everything from potty visits to putting on socks and organize kid-centered activities. this gets very old after 24 hours.

if my friend with the three kids comes to visit 5 or 6 times a year, can't one of those visits be kid-free? can't they leave the kids one of those times with family, etc.? if i see my brother every week, can't we spend some sibling time together AT SOME POINT IN THE YEAR w/out the kids? at this point i have completely forgotten who my brother IS, b/c all he ever talks about or does is related to his kids.

i think that some of you suggested that i suggest "an adult evening" with these parents once in a while, etc. my thought is that if i ever insinuate that i want to be w/out the kids, that the parents (whether it's my friend in Austin or my brother across town) will get offended and i will be seen as a kid-hater, which is made even worse by the fact that i am an aunt and godmother to these kids.

i do not think it is unreasonable to expect loved ones with kids to NOT have the kids be the center of the universe for one or two or even 5 days a year!!!!

i think lucygirl put it best, my situation

to conclude:

1. i do not want to spend more than 1-2 days with small children full-time; i have no patience for that

2. i would like to spend a few days a year with these people w/out their kids

3. these people are not putting these kids to bed early enough for there to ever be a chance of adult time; what happened to the 8 p.m. bedtime? how do parents ever have SEX!!???

4. even my parents, who are grandparents to some of these kids i am talking about, can't stand to have the kids full time for more than a few days. i must not be completely nuts!

5. this is going off on another tangent, but i think it's funny how these parents want me to spend time with their kids 24/7 but are intolerant of spending time with OTHER PPL's kids. like one of my friends wants me to kiss the ground his kids walk on 365 a year, but he can't stand to be around other people's kids for more than a few hours. can someone explain THAT?

[Kibbiekat]

^ I can see where you are coming from a little better now. My best friend is childless. When she comes to visit I make it an opportunity to have some adult time. She's my "excuse" to go out w/o kids. She doesn't have to say it. I make the arrangements myself. Now, if I were to visit her in her city and take my kids, that might be a different story. I wouldn't have a babysitter on hand. That's why I've never done it! The down side is, my kids have almost completely forgotten who their godmother is.

[carolinacool]

I agree about your friend bringing her kids. I would never do that for close to a week. And even if I was at your house, I would never expect my friends to do anything for my kids except maybe keep a quick eye on them if I need to run to the restroom or something.

As for leaving them with family so she can visit. That's one of the things you give up when you have a bunch of kids. If she has a husband, and he's at home, I don't know why he can't watch them alone -although a whole week being gone would still be a bit excessive, IMO. If there is no husband, it's not so easy just to leave three children with other family members. You even said yourself that your parents don't want to be around their own grandchildren full time for that long.

[Momma_bear]

Originally Posted by hcloca

in addition, i wish for there to be a few days a year of kid-free time with my loved ones.

The problem with this is that when you have kids it's hard to pawn them off on someone else for DAYS at a time. You can pay a babysitter for a few hours, but DAYS? It is difficult to ask family to keep little kids for long periods of time and way to expensive to pay someone else for that many hours. So-although it would be nice, it's probably impractical.

Originally Posted by hcloca

and i also wish that if these people come to visit, that they NOT expect me to want to spend several FULL days helping them taking care of their small children.

I agree with you. But check above. If you don't want to watch their small children for a few days, there probably isn't anyone else who wants to watch them so that you and your friend can visit without the kids.

Originally Posted by hcloca

if my friend with the three kids comes to visit 5 or 6 times a year, can't one of those visits be kid-free? can't they leave the kids one of those times with family, etc.?

See above. If you don't want to watch them for a few days what makes you think anyone else does?

Originally Posted by hcloca

if i see my brother every week, can't we spend some sibling time together AT SOME POINT IN THE YEAR w/out the kids? at this point i have completely forgotten who my brother IS, b/c all he ever talks about or does is related to his kids.

Have you asked him? If he lives near enough to see him every week why not ask for a grown up night? While it's difficult to find someone to watch kids for days at a time, he could probably hire a babysitter for a night.

Originally Posted by hcloca

i think that some of you suggested that i suggest "an adult evening" with these parents once in a while, etc. my thought is that if i ever insinuate that i want to be w/out the kids, that the parents (whether it's my friend in Austin or my brother across town) will get offended and i will be seen as a kid-hater, which is made even worse by the fact that i am an aunt and godmother to these kids.

Lots of parents have grown up night out without the kids (myself included). I think that it would be easier with your brother across town than your friend who is out of town. It's more difficult to get away for days without little kids, than for a few hours. I don't know the people involved but I don't think they would be insulted if you asked for a grow up night.

I personally think it's good for parents to get out without their kids. We try to get out with our own friends at least a few times a month. It was harder when the kids were smaller. Now they are older so we don't need a sitter to go out. Plus our oldest can drive so he can take them to eat without us.

Originally Posted by hcloca

i do not think it is unreasonable to expect loved ones with kids to NOT have the kids be the center of the universe for one or two or even 5 days a year!!!!

I think it's a more practical issue of what to do with them for those 5 days. In your brother's case he can certainly hire a sitter for a few hours, but your friend who is out of town needs to find someone to take care of her kids. If you don't want to do it for a few days what makes you think it's easy to find someone else who does?

Perhaps if you went to visit your friend in Austin, you could arrange for a girls night with your friend. It would probably be easier for her to arrange for a sitter on her home turf.

Originally Posted by hcloca

even my parents, who are grandparents to some of these kids i am talking about, can't stand to have the kids full time for more than a few days. i must not be completely nuts!

This is precisely why it is so difficult for them to get away. Taking care of little kids is hard work and its not so easy to get someone to agree to do it for days in a row. What should the parents do? They can't just leave them alone when they are small.

I do sympathize with you. As difficult as it can be to get away with adult friends when the kids are small, I do think it is important for parents to maintain an adult life. I do think that your brother should be able to hire a sitter every now and then.

[mrspink]

Originally Posted by hcloca

hey there, sorry i did not respond. i had houseguests the past 2 days.

let me reiterate that i do NOT hate kids. i do NOT wish for the kids to be "discarded" 100% of the time. i have nieces and godchildren, whom i miss after a few weeks/months of not seeing them. HOWEVER, when i do see them, THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY AFTER SPENDING MORE THAN 1 FULL DAY WITH THEM.

on that note, let me also clarify that i do not ever wish to have children (maybe the HOAPREZ should adopt some orphans of her own) because they are too expensive and too much work. i love being an aunt and a godmother, but i do not wish to care for children full-time EVER. i love children---IN SMALL DOSES.

in addition, i wish for there to be a few days a year of kid-free time with my loved ones. and i also wish that if these people come to visit, that they NOT expect me to want to spend several FULL days helping them taking care of their small children. which is basically what happens when they come visit. it's like they "check out" and i am expected to help do everything from potty visits to putting on socks and organize kid-centered activities. this gets very old after 24 hours.

if my friend with the three kids comes to visit 5 or 6 times a year, can't one of those visits be kid-free? can't they leave the kids one of those times with family, etc.? if i see my brother every week, can't we spend some sibling time together AT SOME POINT IN THE YEAR w/out the kids? at this point i have completely forgotten who my brother IS, b/c all he ever talks about or does is related to his kids.

i think that some of you suggested that i suggest "an adult evening" with these parents once in a while, etc. my thought is that if i ever insinuate that i want to be w/out the kids, that the parents (whether it's my friend in Austin or my brother across town) will get offended and i will be seen as a kid-hater, which is made even worse by the fact that i am an aunt and godmother to these kids.

i do not think it is unreasonable to expect loved ones with kids to NOT have the kids be the center of the universe for one or two or even 5 days a year!!!!

i think lucygirl put it best, my situation

to conclude:

1. i do not want to spend more than 1-2 days with small children full-time; i have no patience for that

2. i would like to spend a few days a year with these people w/out their kids

3. these people are not putting these kids to bed early enough for there to ever be a chance of adult time; what happened to the 8 p.m. bedtime? how do parents ever have SEX!!???

4. even my parents, who are grandparents to some of these kids i am talking about, can't stand to have the kids full time for more than a few days. i must not be completely nuts!

5. this is going off on another tangent, but i think it's funny how these parents want me to spend time with their kids 24/7 but are intolerant of spending time with OTHER PPL's kids. like one of my friends wants me to kiss the ground his kids walk on 365 a year, but he can't stand to be around other people's kids for more than a few hours. can someone explain THAT?

I think you are making a lot of assumptions here. You ASSUME your friends/family will think you are a kid-hater if you ask for a "girls night" or whatever...you assume wrong. I have friends ask me all the time. Sometimes I can't go b/c my hubby isn't home and no one is available to watch my daughter, so I suggest coming over here and when she goes to bed around 8:30...it's adult time. I have never been offended or thought my friends to be kid haters. Usually my friends ask me to bring my baby b/c they don't get to see her often...but not every time, which is totally acceptable. As others have said about their spouses, my hubby and I take turns to have girl/guys nights or once in a while have a grandparent baby sit for a few hours to go to a movie or dinner...but not all the time. It is OUR job to raise our kids and we really can't afford a sitter whenever our friends want to go out...you can't expect your relatives to do the same...it gets expensive. Maybe once in a while for a few hours, but days at a time??

Your parents (the grandparents) don't want to watch the kids for days at a time b/c they have already RAISED children. A day or a few hours I'm sure is fine, but not for days at a time...unless it's for an interview, or work conference etc. It isn't their job to be the parents.

Even though I have a baby, I understand not wanting to talk "baby/children" 24/7, but you have to understand that when people have children their lives change. You don't have to understand it and if you don't want kids you probably never will. It's nothing against you, it's just a fact. I'm sure if you POLITELY talked to your brother or friend they could see your perspective a little better.

HOWEVER...I could NEVER leave my daughter, for 5-6 days at a time. So, if your friend can't come visit you for a week w/o her children, YOU need to understand and respect that. Sure a 7 year old can entertain his/herself for a period of time, but a baby/toddler can't. They need diaper changes/potty breaks, kid movies/games, and the parent's attention. You can't just lay a 2 month old baby on the floor and wish him/her the bust of luck for a few hours during a movie and yea...a new baby is going to be talked about a lot. What world do you live in? I mean, if I am with my friends, I don't constantly bring my daughter up, but if they ask or bring her up, I talk.

I also think it is a bit crazy for the parents to pretty much say, "We are having guests so you need to stay in your room and play all night." to an older child, or have the baby/toddler sitting near by and only tending to him/her when it is time for feeding or a diaper change. I think that is a bit selfish and irresponsible. I will NEVER put myself before my children. There is nothing wrong with having people over or having one's spouse watch the children...but I just think providing them the bare amount of attention is not very responsible. My parents NEVER did anything like that to me and I grew up a polite, well behaved, unselfish, educated, responsible person...so where's the logic?

I'm sorry to be so brutally honest with a few of these but a few things need to happen...
1) Tell your friend/brother that you'd like a "grown ups" night...if they think that is unacceptable for you to ask (as long as you stated it politely) THEY have the issue there, not you
2) If you know the kids are coming, suck it up. It's not every day of your life...if your friend means that much to you and has to bring her kids, then you need to just deal with a bit of Nick Jr. and Disney
3) If THEY can't tolerate other's kids, then they need some adjustments...I don't like double standards
4) Personally, my daughter goes to bed around 8-8:30, but if you don't/never want to have kids, I wouldn't critique their bed time choices when you don't know why they made it in the first place

[formercalifornian]

Your friends' priorities and your priorities have gone their separate ways. It's a fact of life. You're not a bad friend. Hanging out with kids is tiresome, even for those of us who have and love them dearly.

By the end of school, I'm desperate for the start of school, so I can have an uninterrupted conversation with my spouse. Yesterday, I had lunch with a dear, dear friend at a restaurant my kids hate. Pure bliss!