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Old 08-26-2010, 11:58 AM
13 posts, read 21,216 times
Reputation: 11


Here's the background:
I am a single mom of an amazing 4 year old. Her father left when she was only 6 months old. We were never married. I have been on my own since then. I am in a low paying but stable job because it is a true 9-5 job and it makes our lives possible. Her father remarried about 2 months ago, and now his wife is pregnant with a new baby.

Here's the problem:
I've fallen in love.

He is a doctor who went back for a Ph.D. in Bioengineering who is incredibly smart, fun, kind, and loving. He chased me for a year before we started dating, and my daughter says "No one will ever love you as much as M___." We are on the marriage track, but not married. We have had all the essential pre-marriage talks, and again as my daughter eloquently put it "he already is family."

He was given an amazing, once in a life time job in Philly because his friend from college started a new Bioengineering company and he want my boyfriend to head the biomedical division. He will be making a very good salary, and, more importantly, he will be given an amazing amount of professional freedom.

He wants me to move with him, but it is my understanding that the state of Illinois will not condone removing my daughter from her father. I don't want to out maneuver my ex to force him to let us move. I don't think it is in our daughter's best interest. The court process can bring out the very worst in people. I am looking for some advice on helping my ex to see that having me happy is in our daughter's best interest. I know, I might be asking for a miracle. I don't want to ruin my daughter's life though, just so I can be happy. And having her father resent me will certainly be something he uses to torture her. I would appreciate any ideas, at all.
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:30 PM
1,492 posts, read 5,781,931 times
Reputation: 1346
You need to state what your court order says. There you will find out if you even need his permission.

But you need to think about this....a guy who has NEVER asked you to marry him. I think you should move on...this guy just isn't that into you and you are setting yourself up for heartache. And more importantly- your child's.
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Old 08-26-2010, 04:12 PM
43,013 posts, read 70,607,960 times
Reputation: 29558
You can probably entice your ex by agreeing to lower child support payments, but there's no reason to even start the discussion until you are getting married.

It's not stable to move the child across the country to merely live with someone. You need a solid committment from Mr. Bioengineer before you even consider moving.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:07 PM
Location: The brown house on the cul de sac
2,081 posts, read 3,444,049 times
Reputation: 9287
Originally Posted by VegasGrace View Post
But you need to think about this....a guy who has NEVER asked you to marry him. I think you should move on...this guy just isn't that into you and you are setting yourself up for heartache. And more importantly- your child's.

ITA....do not move with this man until you are married. End of story.

Why would you do that to your child?
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:20 PM
Location: BK All Day
4,480 posts, read 6,713,757 times
Reputation: 4222
Are you sure you are in love? Or are you just infatuated with his career?

It sounds more like you are looking for someone to save you than marry you...

I've seen it happen to a lot of girls. They move somewhere with a guy then they break up then they are SOL in a new city.
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:21 PM
47,582 posts, read 47,116,566 times
Reputation: 21867
Definitely not just to shack up with some guy who has money. "Married track" doesn't really mean much and to take your daughter from her father just for a live-in lover is not the right way to go about it.

You said you've been on your own - does that mean no child support from your ex-lover? If he pays no child support and isn't part of the child's life, it shouldn't be too hard to get permission from him - if you have to do that in order to move out of the state. Threaten him with back support if he doesn't terminate parental rights.

If he does provide financial support and maintains a relationship with your daughter, then you have to consider that and taking her away from her other parent, making it difficult for him to have visitation is the wrong thing to do.
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:33 PM
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
33,721 posts, read 29,401,439 times
Reputation: 41223
would it be any easier or more legal i fyou were married? exs remarry and move out of state all the time. Your legal arrangements-if you have any- should spell out what you agreed to or not. I agree if you are getting no help from the ex and he is not apart of her life then you should do what is best for you which should be best for your child- after all she cannot miss what she doesn't have.
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:41 PM
Location: In a house
13,268 posts, read 26,513,162 times
Reputation: 20198
The concern that I'm seeing, is that you are currently employed and taking financial responsibility for your child, as well as full custody. Should you move with your boyfriend, you will, by default, become unemployed until you can find a job in your new location. During this time of ridiculously high unemployment, that isn't something you should be counting on.

And - should the relationship not work out, since you're not married to the guy, he has no legal obligation to support you. So you could go down there, things not work out, and you end up unemployed and homeless, with a child to raise, in a place you don't know anyone.

If, on the other hand, you have money saved up, enough to support yourself and your child independently for a year or so - then the financial problem isn't a problem at all, and your risk vs. reward ratio is more balanced.

Your happiness IS important. No doubt about it. I'd just be more worried about that nagging little "what if it doesn't work out" issue than anything else. I think you should feel more comfortable if you have an "escape route" or "plan B." If your ex isn't in your daughter's life anyway, if he doesn't take advantage of any visitation rights he might have - or if he has no visitation rights awarded by the courts, then his rights aren't an issue at all.
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:10 PM
Location: Victoria TX
42,675 posts, read 55,871,292 times
Reputation: 34912
One important element is visitation. What kind of visitation privileges does the father have? If none, or if he has failed to exercise them, then you're pretty much free to go. If he does have visitation guarantees, they you're either bound to meet them as they are, or renegotiate them.

However, I will say this. Illinois is incredibly slack, and in all probability, if you just go away, he can scream all he wants and the state of Illinois will be too backlogged with cases to pay any attention to him, or follow up on anything they do order.

Pay no attention to the posters who have psychoanalyzed you and given you failing marks. Live your own life, and do what you think is best for you and your family.
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Old 08-28-2010, 09:45 AM
892 posts, read 1,778,409 times
Reputation: 287
I was going to say the same thing- what are the visitation rights? does he see the child on a regular basis? read the papers to find out then wait to get a ring....
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