what do you say to someone who has just lost their child? (infant, pregnancy)

[Aconite]

A bunch of good ideas, especially the "don't say it's God's will or any other religious platitude" part.

One kind of interesting phenomenon is that people hesitate to say the dead person's name after all the funerals, wakes, etc are done. I don't know if they think it will summon the dead or bring up bad memories or what, but it's kind of...I don't know, just odd. Sometimes it's nice to hear people acknowledge that there's this person who was in the world for awhile, that he was my son/husband/what-have-you, and his name was Arthur.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by misplaced1

Just tell your friend you are sorry for the loss of her son and use his name if you know him, and tell her that you are here if she needs you to talk or anything ( if you are).

Simple and acknowledging her son is best.

This! This is what I was going to say!

Even if you've lost a child yourself, don't say that you know what they are going through or how they feel. Nobody can know exactly how someone feels.

All you know is how you feel about hearing about their loss.

As a result, just speak about your feelings-----just say what misplaced posted. Period. Nothing else.

I agree with everyone else about not saying it was God's Will or he's in Heaven now or anything along those lines. That can be very offensive.

Even if you know the person is a practicing Christian, don't say it!

[another_hot-day]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

please----no matter what her or your beliefs are Don't say:

It's God's Will

Or, 'we all have to die sometime.'

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

please----no matter what her or your beliefs are Don't say:

It's God's Will

Originally Posted by another_hot-day

Or, 'we all have to die sometime.'

Or

"At least he didn't suffer."

Or

"At least his suffering is over now."

[strawflower]

I don't have experience with losing a child, but when I lost my husband the thing that comforted me the most was when people wrote/said "I'm always here if you need to talk" or things along those lines. Knowing that people wanted to be open with me and would take me how I was helped things SO much. I got a phone call from a mom of my son's friend. I had a somewhat negative view of her (due to the politics the boy's baseball team- that's a whole different thread), but when she called saying she'd always be there to talk, I gained so much respect for her and as a result, we have become great friends. Even if you don't know the co-worker very well, that would most likely comfort her.

I agree that it would be best not to say "it was in God's will".

[NYMD67]

I have a close friend who lost a child,a toddler at the time. Very sudden,extremely tragic.
I remember just saying how so very sorry we were, if there was anything at all we could do, please let us know. We would be there whenever she needed us & we were.

I know that she took great comfort in just having her friends & family with her during that horrible time.

[sandycat]

Originally Posted by DewDropInn

You don't say how good a friend she is or if you knew her son, but perhaps something along the lines of...

Dear ___.

I am tremendously sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel. I know that right now your world has turned upside down. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help PLEASE let me know. When you come back to work, please know that I will be there for you. If you need to talk come and get me. If you want a shoulder to cry on mine is there for you.

I am holding you and your son and your family in my heart. I pray that in time all of the happy memories come back. A lot of people care about you and I am just one of them.

With great love,

Thank you everyone! And I think this pretty much sums up how I feel. It's hard to imagine that people would say things like, "it's God's plan" or whatever. That's extremely unhelpful I imagine..

[renovating]

Originally Posted by sandycat

Thank you everyone! And I think this pretty much sums up how I feel. It's hard to imagine that people would say things like, "it's God's plan" or whatever. That's extremely unhelpful I imagine..

I agree with DewDropInn...a simple heartfelt "I am so sorry" will do.

My only other comment would be not to wait until this family asks for help...they won't...so prepare meals or organize childcare, carpools or whatever you feel they will need help with before they need to ask. Check up on your friend to see how she is doing and that will give her a chance to talk if she needs to.

[formercalifornian]

When my first daughter was stillborn, I really appreciated a sincere expression of sadness, but more than anything I was grateful for people who volunteered to do specific things for my husband and me rather than just offering to do "anything we needed." We were so stricken with grief that we didn't have the energy to request anything of others, but, rest assured, we were incredibly thankful for the hot meals and groceries left on our doorstep and the people who came by and said, "I'm here to cut your lawn. Is your mower in the garage?"

[no kudzu]

Sometimes people are reluctant to say anything in time of sorrow for fear they will say the wrong thing. My father was that way. he just didn't know how to express those feelings. He refused to attend funerals too. But he was the first one to load up his own mower and cut the grass and trim the hedges or do anything outside he could do while the family was at the service.

He didn't want anyone to know he was the one who did it. He didn't want any thanks either as that embarrassed him. He also would just show up and wash a car or take his tool box along to ask what needed to be done at the home. especially if the death left a widow. When he died suddenly at age 58 my mother and I only learned then about all the kind things he did and of course everyone was falling all over us to help us out.

I'm sure all the things he did meant so much to people and they understood his inability to offer verbal assistance.