what do you say to someone who has just lost their child? (babies, parents)

[Jeezy is BACK]

‎"If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But, what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too awful to even have a name." - Brenda, Six Feet Under

I don't think there's anything you can say, honestly. I couldn't imagine losing my boy. My sister past in 2004 at 21 years old. My mom still isn't the same. I remember people trying to console her and it just made things worse. Sometimes, I think the best thing to say is nothing at all.

[phonelady61]

I think that Im sorry for your loss is sufficient if they are not that close of a friend . My mother was never the same after my 7 yr old brother passed after someone hit him on the road with their car and left him there to die . all our friends came around to give condolences to my mother but she was never the same .

[gardener34]

I think the "I am sorry, let us know if you want to talk- Or need us to do anything for you"... then maybe follow up in a few months with an actual phone call.

[formercalifornian]

A friendly acquaintance sent me a note on the first anniversary of my baby's death just telling me that she remembered and was thinking of me. I treasured that note, because most people had forgotten.

Originally Posted by Jeezy is BACK

Sometimes, I think the best thing to say is nothing at all.

The danger in not saying anything is that it will be perceived as a lack of caring. As the years have passed, I recognize that the people who disappeared from my life were probably as traumatized as we were and were afraid to get too close because they couldn't handle it, but it was extremely painful that people I thought would be there to support me instead abandoned me when I needed them most.

[brightdoglover]

I'm posting here as a childfree-by-choice person. I've encountered people with terrible losses, certainly among co-workers. I've told those co-workers (after the sincere "I'm so sorry") that I will not bring up their loss at work, but they should feel free to talk to me at work or outside it if they want to.(I assume that no one wants to be blindsided by opening the fresh wound while at work). I also tell them that I'm not forgetting them and their loss for a minute, but that I won't bring it up at work.
One co-worker lost 14 family members in the Haitian earthquake. Sometimes when I walk past her, I just rub her shoulder or a little touch that seems appropriate,
Thank you for letting me post on this forum.

[kaykay]

Originally Posted by brightdoglover

I'm posting here as a childfree-by-choice person. I've encountered people with terrible losses, certainly among co-workers. I've told those co-workers (after the sincere "I'm so sorry") that I will not bring up their loss at work, but they should feel free to talk to me at work or outside it if they want to.(I assume that no one wants to be blindsided by opening the fresh wound while at work). I also tell them that I'm not forgetting them and their loss for a minute, but that I won't bring it up at work.
One co-worker lost 14 family members in the Haitian earthquake. Sometimes when I walk past her, I just rub her shoulder or a little touch that seems appropriate,
Thank you for letting me post on this forum.

I think it's good if you mention that you are intentionally not bringing it up at work. That's probably a good way of handling it. Very sensitive, brightdoglover.

I will add this, however, that frankly, I was disappointed and surprised that none of my (close) co-workers seemed willing to talk to me about my son's death when I returned to work just a week later. I know that they probably felt they were being respectful of my grief, but these were co-workers I considered "friends," not just "friendly co-workers" if that makes sense. ( Two of them I actually called personally the morning we learned our son was killed.) I expected when I returned to work that they would ask me what happened that morning, how we found out etc. I just assumed that since we were close they would want to know, but only one co-worker seemed willing to talk to me about my son... ever. I appreciated her willingness. I guess it was like the elephant in the room, so to speak, but I didn't bring it up either because I didn't feel like I could just say, "don't you want to know what happened actually?" Again, I don't fault them for this because I do think they were trying to be sensitive to me. They all attended the funeral etc, but I just felt that it seemed awkward they never brought up what happened. Again, I guess they expected me to introduce the subject, but I felt like I couldn't without seeming rude or self-centered.

My point, I guess, is that some people are very private and may indeed not want to discuss it especially at work, but if you are pretty close to that individual, I would try to say something when they come back to work. There is a difference in being nosy about it and acting like it didn't happen. Also, don't be afraid of making the person cry or think about it. Trust me, they are already crying and they are thinking about it constantly. And no, as others have said, nothing you can say will really console or take away any of their pain. Only time and the Lord can do that. But they have just been through what was likely the most traumatic experience of their life, and they may need to talk about what happened. At least that was my experience. My husband felt the same way.

Really, all you would need to say is occasionally ask them how they're doing in a way and inflection that indicates you want to know how they are REALLY doing, not just casual conversation "how are ya." Instead, you could say something like, "How are you doing these days, REALLY?" ( How much or how often you bring it up should probably be determined by the level of intimacy and friendship you had with this co-worker previously.)

I know not everyone feels the same as me but if you approach the subject gently with sensitivity, you will quickly get a feel for how much that individual wants to share or not share about their loss. I can only say that I speak from my own experience and knowing and speaking with other bereaved parents who really wanted to talk about their loss and felt no one was comfortable enough to do so with them. I know it may seem risky to bring it up, but if you don't at all, believe me, they will notice that.

[Laura707]

I lost my middle son when he was 17. I remember very little of anything anyone said to me during that time but there were people that I still remember, not for what they said but for what they did..

1- a good friend that came got me before the funeral one day and just said I needed to go with her and was not offered a choice. When we got in the car and drove off, she told me she knew I needed to get away from all those people and have some alone/quiet time. We rode around quietly for about a hour and that hour did me SO MUCH GOOD!

2- The neighbor I hardly knew that just came and quietly sat every day. She would get up from time to time and make a fresh pot of coffee and wash up the dirty dished and clean the kitchen.

3- It was only after the funeral when someone asked me who that black headed woman was that followed me everywhere that I realized one friend was ALWAYS there, quietly in the back ground.. to hand me a tissue when I needed one, to hand me a cup of coffee or water when I wanted one, just ALWAYS there when I needed something.

4- The quiet friend that called me 6 weeks after wards to see how I was doing, offering me encouragement, advice on getting my life restarted, just saying he was there if I needed to talk, and offering to take me to dinner.. THAT was the most important phone call I ever got through the whole ordeal and that helped me the most of anything anybody did. It was like a wake up call and it woke me up!

These are the things that meant the most to me and helped me in ways I didn't realize at the time.

[NoExcuses]

Originally Posted by brightdoglover

One co-worker lost 14 family members in the Haitian earthquake. Sometimes when I walk past her, I just rub her shoulder or a little touch that seems appropriate,
Thank you for letting me post on this forum.

Exchanging words sometimes is very difficult, but a touch is personal and caring without expecting a response.

A long time ago, I read a story of someone losing a close family member. The neighbor woman promptly went next door with her husband and asked for all their shoes. They took them home, cleaned them, polished them and took them back, lined them all up and went home. The family's shoes were all clean and neat for the coming days when they were taking care of important things.

Her reasoning: At times of great loss, people don't need to be exchanging words, they need support without intrusion, or having to answer questions, or expecting a response.

Gestures have huge impact where words sometimes aren't heard due to a grieving mind.

[LibraGirl123]

Originally Posted by kaykay

I will add this, however, that frankly, I was disappointed and surprised that none of my (close) co-workers seemed willing to talk to me about my son's death when I returned to work just a week later. I know that they probably felt they were being respectful of my grief, but these were co-workers I considered "friends," not just "friendly co-workers" if that makes sense. ( Two of them I actually called personally the morning we learned our son was killed.) I expected when I returned to work that they would ask me what happened that morning, how we found out etc. I just assumed that since we were close they would want to know, but only one co-worker seemed willing to talk to me about my son... ever. I appreciated her willingness. I guess it was like the elephant in the room, so to speak, but I didn't bring it up either because I didn't feel like I could just say, "don't you want to know what happened actually?" Again, I don't fault them for this because I do think they were trying to be sensitive to me. They all attended the funeral etc, but I just felt that it seemed awkward they never brought up what happened. Again, I guess they expected me to introduce the subject, but I felt like I couldn't without seeming rude or self-centered.

First of all, let me extend my sympathy to you on the loss of your son.

It's my observation that, in a situation like this, when people aren't sure what to do...they do nothing. I think they're probably afraid that you'll get upset if they mention your son, or perhaps they're not sure what to say...so, yes, the topic has become the elephant in the room. It doesn't mean they don't care, it means they just don't know what to do.

[LibraGirl123]

A friend of mine lost her son, her only child, in a car accident when he was just 21 years old. This happened about 5 years ago, but I know the loss will stay with her for the rest of her life.

She was his greatest advocate. This child had great difficulties in school, and one teacher even went so far as to suggest he might be mildly retarded. But my friend did whatever she could to help him with his academics, and it turned out that he was finally diagnosed as dyslexic. She spent money and time to make sure he attended the schools that would help him with his disability...no child could have had a more supportive mother in this regard.

Since this has happened, I meet up with her at least once a month for breakfast. I don't want to be one of those people who "disappeared" after the funeral was over. Sometimes we go to the cemetery afterward, where she has his grave decorated for the season. I send her a "thinking of you" card on the anniversary of his death, and at Christmas, I send a card appropriate for a family who has lost a loved one.

I think all of the suggestions that have been posted so far on this topic have been excellent. It's not quantity of time or words...it's quality that counts.