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Old 09-13-2010, 09:35 AM
 
5,747 posts, read 2,717,508 times
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Oh, dazedac, I'm terribly sorry. I can't imagine while looking at my 3 year old daughter right now having her come to me in 13 years with that news. You and hubby must be devastated at the moment and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Having said that, though, it's not the end of the world and these things have their way of working out one way or another. I would not put too much stock into anything the father has to say or what he does at this point, odds are he's not going to be around too long after the baby is born and the reality of the responsibilities he now faces sets in.

You can really only present her with practical options and then support her in whichever one she chooses, and try to guide her in a direction that will enable her and her child to become self-sufficient and productive in the future, should she take that route. She must be terrified, poor thing, as I'm sure you all are.

As to what to say, I don't have a friggin' clue, but I'd say the time for recriminations is past and you are all going to need all the love and patience you can summon.

Last edited by FinsterRufus; 09-13-2010 at 09:36 AM.. Reason: got the OP's name confused with someone else
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:51 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kel6604 View Post
I think before you can even begin to think about things you guys need to sit down and discuss things. Ask her her entire plan, caring for the baby, school, financials etc. Then you can start to think. kwim?
right, yes.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I would not put too much stock into anything the father has to say or what he does at this point, odds are he's not going to be around too long after the baby is born and the reality of the responsibilities he now faces sets in.
I'm wondering why we even let things go on....they just never seemed that serious. It's not like they've been joint at the hip...we assumed it would just pass by..I feel like this is the biggest mistake in our lives as parents...

Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
She must be terrified, poor thing, as I'm sure you all are.
She must be..

Thanks FinsterRufus
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:22 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazedac View Post
I'm wondering why we even let things go on....they just never seemed that serious. It's not like they've been joint at the hip...we assumed it would just pass by..I feel like this is the biggest mistake in our lives as parents...

Yeah, that's a tough one, I'm not sure there's anything you could really have done - 16 year olds are going to have sex, and sometimes pregnancies happen, whether you approve of the relationship or not. Sometimes trying to stop it just makes them more determined to carry on, and backfires on you.

Please don't beat yourself up about it, it won't help. You can give them all the guidance in the world and still this kind of thing happens. All that really matters now is what you all do from this moment forward.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Wallis and Futuna
11,218 posts, read 15,533,737 times
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The difficult thing for you, personally, is going to be how you choose to manage whichever decision your daughter makes. The difficult thing for her, will be how she will manage whatever decision she makes.

If she chooses to give birth, you'll still be legally responsible for her for another two years, unless she goes through an emancipation process, which is gruelling and difficult and emotionally heartwrenching and not something I would recommend.

So that means, if she chooses to stay at home, you would be caring for your daughter and her child, whether you intended for that to happen or not.

The decision to give a baby up for adoption is also heartwenching.

Abortion can be heartwenching, depending on you and your daughter's set of morals and religious beliefs.

Whatever decision your daughter makes, the best thing you can do is to remember that she is your daughter, and you love her and will continue loving her, regardless. I'd also recommend teen pregnancy counselling even if she chooses an abortion. She needs to understand -very clearly- what the responsiblities are for a teen to have a baby, so that she can understand -very clearly- why being a teenager and having sex with someone you're not in a long-term committed relationship with, is really - really stupid.
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Old 09-13-2010, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
675 posts, read 699,123 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazedac View Post
We haven't managed to have a full, calm conversation about the possibility of adoption yet...

She seems to think she/they can do this.....and the father is kind of surprisingly stubborn on this too...I just don't know where he would be or what he would be like in a year...2 years...He hasn't shown much responsibility yet. He says he's done with the life he's been living, his dad left him, he's not leaving his child......what a mess



She hasn't been terrible..this is a complete shock out of the blue. He's never pulled her into his ways. She'd always tell us not to worry about him, he's trying to change...
What a hard situation.

What were your daughters plans/dreams/hopes before she learned she was pregnant? College? Career?

It's important to allow them to shoulder as much of this as possible. However, since she is a minor, you need to be aware of their plans. Call a family meeting. Before this, make a list of questions you have as her parent and grandmother. Mine would go like this...

1. Will you continue at your high school, or do they have alternative school?
2. Have you thought about who to use for OB/GYN and hospital for delivery?
3. Where will you live?
4. How will you support yourselves and your child?

Etc.

Don't ask for answers to these questions immediately. Ask them how much time they need to get the information and plan another family meeting so they can present the informed detailed plan at that time. Make them look into the school info. Make them find a rental they can afford. Make them figure out how to pay the doctor bills, diapers, formula.....

And you have to remain calm. If they present an impossible plan, ask them "how" they plan to make it happen. Not WTH are you thinking???? It won't be easy.

Include his family also.
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Old 09-13-2010, 12:59 PM
 
3,364 posts, read 5,570,784 times
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As someone who gave a child up for adoption just over 18 years ago, I have often touted adoption on this forum board.

This summer, that child came looking for me. After a whirlwind weekend of phone calls (2 quick, 2 for over 2 hours each), texts (over 150 incoming) and emails (more than 20 long winded), she made some very hurtful statements to me and the other two children I have (we were able to pull the ones she sent the kids before they saw them, thank God!).

Another couple of nasty phone calls from her adoptive mother (and surprise! They don't get along either... apparently, this entitlement attitude wasn't something they instilled in her, she had it at birth ), she was out of our lives as quickly as she came in. Spoiled, horribly spoiled. Emotionally devastating.

That said, although life is not treating HER well (or she it), to regret the decision to give her up would mean regretting the maturing I did after, meeting my dh and having two more great kids. Adoption isn't just something that is done FOR the baby, it's for the birthparents too.

I don't know anyone who was a 'teen parent' with a life half as fulfilled as the one I was given, once I matured. And I know (and am related to) several people who were teen parents. And a couple who are now.

Good luck to your family. Whatever y'all decide, I hope it has a happy ending.
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Old 09-13-2010, 03:24 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
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OP, I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation. As a mother of a soon-to-be 17 year old son, this is one of my biggest fears. I can't imagine it coming from a daughter. First off, it doesn't sound like they are ready to hear any talk of abortion, adoption....they are shocked but happy. She probably feels the two of them now share a bond with each other and he is feeling he has something to prove by being a good father to this child. No amount of arguing is going to intefere with those thoughts right now.

Please know there is NOTHING that your or your husband could have done to prevent this. Teenagers will find a way to have sex, drink, do drugs, etc. You have to depend on them to use good judgement and the wisdom you have taught through the years but alas....do they listen....not always.

You and your husband need to be able to discuss this calmly with her and the boyfriend. Hold BOTH of them accountable for their actions and let them know while you are there to support them, you are not there to raise their child for them. They have played the game and came away with the ultimate prize....a child. Now it's time to get with the real world and figure out a plan. Best wishes.
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Old 09-13-2010, 03:26 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,435 posts, read 1,071,974 times
Reputation: 2186
That is really horrible. The thought of giving someone tea to make them miscarry There is not much you can do but support your daughter right now OP and remian strong for her. Good luck to both of you.

Last edited by KylieEve; 09-13-2010 at 03:30 PM.. Reason: .
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Old 09-13-2010, 04:12 PM
 
1,414 posts, read 2,361,866 times
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Quote:
I'm wondering why we even let things go on....they just never seemed that serious
In reality, you didn't have much say. If you would have said "you can't see him" she would/could have anyway unless you locked her in the house. I speak from experience.

As others have said, sitting down and talking about the pro's and con's of various options, and then talking again, and again, is important. At her age (and older!), many girls might view the situation as quite romantic ("oh, we're in love and going to have a baby...he's going to take care of us," etc., etc.). Straight talking to her in an objective supportive way might help her to gain a better perspective of the impact of this situation. I wonder if there are any resources where she could hear first hand from some young mothers about the challenges they face. They might be more credible to her than you are.

Ultimately, you all need a plan to move forward. Try to focus on HER and the baby and less on the father. But make sure she understands options regarding this guy, i.e., she shouldn't feel she has to marry him (if he even will); she should be prepared to do this alone or with your support and will need a long term plan. Her decision should be based upon HER wishes and desires once armed with information about options and NOT based on the guy's desires. Help her to make an objective, non-romanticized decision.
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