Appropriate duration for out of town visits from family (toddler, parent, daughter)
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We have a 1 and 3 year old, and we live far from both sides of the family (8 hours drive from in-laws, 16 hour drive or 2.75 hour flight from my mother). I want to preface this by saying we really get along with both my in-laws and my mother. And they are all retired. All of that factors into to how we handle visits.
We try to visit our families where they live at least 1x a year (we rotate Christmas every other year, so then we try to visit the other side over the summer). ON top of that, they try to visit us 1-2 times a year. Each time they stay 1-2 weeks. I should also add that we live in an urban area in only a 2 bedroom condo, so we are really packed in tight. The grandparents stay in the kids' room with our 3 year old (we have 2 twin beds plus a toddler bed), and the 1 year old comes to our room in her crib for that week.
The reason this works for us is because both my mom and my inlaws are EXTREMELY HELPFUL when they come to visit. They do grandparent visits right. I have friends with horror stories of visits where grandparents insist on going out to eat for late dinners with toddlers (disaster), or insist on getting kids off their sleep schedules (disaster), or sit around the house making messes but never cleaning up after themselves (disaster) or who expect the already frazzled parents to cook 3 meals a day for them (disaster). Our parents are fabulous and do none of those things.
My mom is great at cleaning/organizing, so she will pitch right in and take care of jobs I never get to--like organizing our pantry, the kid's laundry, taking care of our planters outside, sweeping our steps. And she just makes herself at home and makes her own breakfast--also, she's a very early riser, so she insists that we sleep in a bit and she'll take the kids (who are always up by 5:45-6 am) in the morning.
My MIL is a fabulous cook and when she comes, I don't have to step into the kitchen for days. I don't mind that she "takes over" because it's way less work for me. She will cook dinner every single night she's there, and will baby DH and I a bit--like insisting we take snacks, making us hot tea. And FIL will take the kids out for walks and to the park to get them out of our hair for a bit.
That's why we love grandparent visits. Our parents should write a primer on how to have successful grandparent visits.
I don’t know about getting a hotel if it’s your idea... if they suggest it then go for it. I would love to stay at a hotel when ever I visit my husbands family but he will not allow it. On the other hand my mother in law started visiting a month at a time at the begging which even though I was stressed and extremely uncomfortable, I did my best to make her feel welcome. I like her and even though our relationship is not the closest, i try my best to keep my anxiety in check. I am very shy, almost antisocial and I do t like people visiting me yes not even my family. After the visits became two months for a while, I built up the nerve to talk to my husband about how I felt. He understood and said he would invite his mom and keep it about a month long from now on. After our talk, she decided to show up for three months. I little cried when he told me... I like my privacy, my time alone, out time alone... who thinks it’s ok to visit for three months? This is affecting our relationship both mother in law and husband. Even though he is now trying to do everything for her so that I won’t and trying to de stress me. Now it’s beyond the awkwardness of just being here... she is used to having maids all her life so she dislikes that her son does everything. Sorry about my rant... but i guess i would say try to do what you can to keep a good relationship. Marriage is also about compromise and if it makes your spouse happy it’s worth th “sacrifice”. On that note, don’t bend over too far, you might break your back or your relationship for that matter. You shouldn’t be the only one to compromise.
My in laws used to show up unannounced. They lived 450 miles away. It was very stressful to see them just show up like that.
At that time, I worked days, husband worked nights. I was also going to college. Life was crazy! I’d cook dinner after I put the kids to bed for the following night. Because with homework, baths, cleaning up from them while the sitter was there, cooking for that night was going to be too late.
Now imagine unexpected guests thrown into that. If it was a weekend, I could have handled it, but it was always during the week. I then needed extra groceries and to cook more, and all that. It just stressed me out.
I’m ranting now. Another time, for my daughter’s christening, I was cooking the food for 60 people. They came the day before, offered no help, we took them out for dinner that night, party the next day with leftovers for that night.
They left and I heard from the rest of the family that my MIL complained that I didn’t cook them dinner and we had to go out. WHAT?
Anyway, if they’re helpful and you’re prepared, welcome the visit. Especially if they live far away.
We have a 1 and 3 year old, and we live far from both sides of the family (8 hours drive from in-laws, 16 hour drive or 2.75 hour flight from my mother). I want to preface this by saying we really get along with both my in-laws and my mother. And they are all retired. All of that factors into to how we handle visits.
We try to visit our families where they live at least 1x a year (we rotate Christmas every other year, so then we try to visit the other side over the summer). ON top of that, they try to visit us 1-2 times a year. Each time they stay 1-2 weeks. I should also add that we live in an urban area in only a 2 bedroom condo, so we are really packed in tight. The grandparents stay in the kids' room with our 3 year old (we have 2 twin beds plus a toddler bed), and the 1 year old comes to our room in her crib for that week.
The reason this works for us is because both my mom and my inlaws are EXTREMELY HELPFUL when they come to visit. They do grandparent visits right. I have friends with horror stories of visits where grandparents insist on going out to eat for late dinners with toddlers (disaster), or insist on getting kids off their sleep schedules (disaster), or sit around the house making messes but never cleaning up after themselves (disaster) or who expect the already frazzled parents to cook 3 meals a day for them (disaster). Our parents are fabulous and do none of those things.
My mom is great at cleaning/organizing, so she will pitch right in and take care of jobs I never get to--like organizing our pantry, the kid's laundry, taking care of our planters outside, sweeping our steps. And she just makes herself at home and makes her own breakfast--also, she's a very early riser, so she insists that we sleep in a bit and she'll take the kids (who are always up by 5:45-6 am) in the morning.
My MIL is a fabulous cook and when she comes, I don't have to step into the kitchen for days. I don't mind that she "takes over" because it's way less work for me. She will cook dinner every single night she's there, and will baby DH and I a bit--like insisting we take snacks, making us hot tea. And FIL will take the kids out for walks and to the park to get them out of our hair for a bit.
That's why we love grandparent visits. Our parents should write a primer on how to have successful grandparent visits.
I think your Mom and MIL need a visit to beautiful New England.
This really varies for me/us depending on which relatives we are talking about. (We live 3 time zones away from both of our families).
Grandparent #1 never visits, she is afraid of travel. Actually she visited 2 times almost 20 years ago and was a complete wreck after 24 hours. So for this one, a zero day visit is perfect.
Grandparent #2 has settled into a nice pattern of 2x/year visits for about 4 days each. Always stays in a nearby hotel (his choice) and is a terrific guest and we have a blast.
Grandparents #3+4 visit about once per year for 7-8 days and it's pretty decent. They're not in the greatest of health but they are so happy to be here it makes us happy too. They are low maintenance and don't interfere with the day-to-day of our lives with 2 young-ish kids.
Siblings and siblings-in-law are a mixed bag.
I (we) had to draw the line and limit frequency and length of my SIL's visits because she had a habit during her visits of undermining our parenting and interfering with the kids' schedules (not that we're super super strict, per se, but she would poo-poo homework and bedtime which was wrong).
Last edited by elhelmete; 02-11-2019 at 11:59 AM..
My in-laws typically would come and visit us for a week at a time. They drive their motorhome here so they have the privacy of their own home away from home, while still being close to us for the duration of the visit. After a week in ready to be done with entertaining them and they're ready to be on their way home again so it worked out.
However now my father-in-law is in poor health and cannot travel and we're the ones traveling back home again. We can only take off enough work for a week and the last time we came we found that a week was a little too long. They let us use their motorhome while we're visiting which is nice and then we get a little privacy when we need it. Too much family can cause strife.
I'm hoping that this summer my father-in-law is feeling healthy again, the driving 1,000+ miles every six months is draining on our bank account and on me.
My in-laws never came to see US, as much as use our place to crash several times a year when they had church business or events at their Seven Day Adventist conference (which was near our house). FIL was an elder and big wig in his tiny church, so he attended them all. Our place was Grand Central Station (sometimes they'd bring other family members)...we'd get letters announcing they were coming, and when. They never "asked" per se. It ticked me off, because seeing us felt like we were an "afterthought". Lots of times it conflicted with our previously made plans (work, parties, weddings, Girl Scout camp, hair appointments, etc.) We did our best to accommodate their strict dietary rules and Friday night to Saturday night Sabbath, and they ALWAYS tried wheedle us to go to church with them, or take our kids. FIL would want to have family worship morning and night (no big deal, they're guests), but would always say, "it's not MY house", and expect DH or me to conduct it and say the prayers. DH is agnostic, and I'm spiritual, rather than religious, so I found it very, very awkward.
Then after they'd leave, I'd find the SDA religious tracts and literature they always pointedly left behind for us.
We visited them yearly, but made sure not to be there over Saturday. We'd arrive Saturday night after sundown, as much as possible.
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 02-17-2019 at 11:04 PM..
Im an only child, so my divorced parents visit me and see their grandchildren. The visits are different, if it's my mum you're talking about who lives in Europe in my childhood home and takes a 5 hour flight to visit us. She can't drive, so its easier for her to stay in my home with the guest room. In the past 2 weeks was the norm but since getting older, married, kids, no way...7-9 days is my max I can tolerant.
my dad and his wife prefers to stay at a local hotel and rent a car, so their visit is much more relaxed since they're not so dependent on me for transportation and entertainment. My boys love their visit and it usually averages 3-5 days, which is perfect for both of us. We visit them in Florida with same premise but invite us to stay at their house as like to have the boys interact with them more comfortably.
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