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Old 03-03-2010, 09:59 AM
 
2,605 posts, read 3,941,043 times
Reputation: 2164

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Quote:
Originally Posted by formercalifornian View Post
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
So check out the other side. You can always go back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
I believe it. I have always regretted not seeing more of the world. I think most people do.
My mother traveled alot when she was in her 50s. Enjoyed every minute of it, too. I like a base, but love going to different places (My base doesn't have to be in the same place for a huge length of time, either.).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
You don't have to stay in a city for your entire life just because decades later someone might need help. There's always future solutions. When my grandmother died and my grandfather didn't handle it well, my parents built an addition onto our house and move our grandfather to live with us in the city where we lived. He lived with us for a long time. He didn't die until he was 99 years old. He was healthy as could be up until the day he went to sleep and didn't wake up. He was just lonely. That's why my parents moved him to our city to live with us in our house. Living in the same city wouldnt' have been good enough. A once or twice a week visit doesn't combat loneliness.
Things work out. Bolded: Exactly.
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Old 03-03-2010, 10:13 AM
 
5,748 posts, read 10,511,564 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
So check out the other side. You can always go back.
Read my posts. I've done both, and family won out. My family struggles to get along just like every other family, but in the end, my husband, my brother, and I could not deny our obligation to care for our parents as they age. In our case, that meant that my husband and I would relocate to be a short drive from his parents, while my brother relocated to be near our parents. Although the hands-on help I can provide for my parents is limited because I live so far away, my husband and I provide financial assistance and visit as often as we can manage, usually three to four times a year, to give my brother a break.
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Old 03-03-2010, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Powell, WY
991 posts, read 1,955,968 times
Reputation: 1335
Quote:
Originally Posted by formercalifornian View Post
Read my posts. I've done both, and family won out. My family struggles to get along just like every other family, but in the end, my husband, my brother, and I could not deny our obligation to care for our parents as they age. In our case, that meant that my husband and I would relocate to be a short drive from his parents, while my brother relocated to be near our parents. Although the hands-on help I can provide for my parents is limited because I live so far away, my husband and I provide financial assistance and visit as often as we can manage, usually three to four times a year, to give my brother a break.
Same here...being close to family and friends won out over mountains and landscapes. We missed home too much, and knowing that we can help out our friends and family and help out my folks when they need it was more important to us.

We can always visit places and take vacations, but nothing beats being home. We're living in my husband's hometown, and just 10 mins. from where I grew up. Funny, too, that many many folks that we grew up with are doing the same thing.
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Old 03-03-2010, 10:37 AM
 
Location: Boerne area
706 posts, read 1,478,423 times
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I grew up in Houston, away from both of my parent's families, due to job relocation. My paternal grandparents lived in Ill, maternal gparents in CA. I visited them every year or so. My mom had siblings and nieces and nephews who remained in CA and were able to help with her dad as he aged and became mentally incapable of living independently.

My dad is an only child. His parents lived their whole lives in one small town in Ill. My grandma was able to move to the Illinois Masonic Home to a condominium, luckily in that same small town, before she became medically needy. This was godsend, because she was able to maintain her social network and make new friends at her new location while remaining in that same small town. As she aged and had physical and mental age related issues, the discussion of whether to move her to Texas came up, but we did not want to uproot her from the only area she had ever known. So as she became more ill, my dad and I took turns going up to Illinois to stay with her every 2 weeks. This was not easy financially or emotionally, but to move her would have been to hasten her death.

I am also an only child, as is my husband. While it is true that you don't have to plan your whole life around something that might happen decades from now, I do think it is a subject worth discussing, especially if you will be responsible for caring for aging parents. While it might work for a family to have g'ma/g'pa move in with them, it isn't always the best solution as described above.

Luckily, my parents and my husband's are both located in Texas, and have moved around enough to be open to the idea of moving closer to us as they downsize.

All of that is secondary to the discussion of having close relationships with grandparents. I am very glad we are fortunate enough to live close to both sets of grandparents; my boys get to visit with them often and have great relationships with each set. Because of the size of our family, we do not have cousins and extended family. All the more reason I am thankful that grandparents are relatively close.
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Aurora, Colorado
2,212 posts, read 4,498,247 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
You don't have to stay in a city for your entire life just because decades later someone might need help. There's always future solutions.
It's just my sister and I to take care of my parents and if and when that day comes, they are going to have to move to Colorado from Seattle. I know they like their church and their neighborhood, but the reality is that my husband has an excellent job in Colorado that he cannot have in Seattle. My sister is in no way able to take care of anyone, so the responsibility will fall to me. We have an unfinished basement that we can have made into a little apartment so that they can live there. I specifically thought of that when we bought our house. If that doesn't work, there's a few retirement communities nearby and a few patio homes nearby that they could move to and not have to do yardwork or go up and down stairs.

It's going to depend on whether they just become older and need an occassional helping hand or if they are in need of full-blown medical care. My dad has already retired and my mom is about 4 years away. I have started to throw the idea out there of them moving closer to us and I'll see if they "bite." They would like to be closer to their grandchildren so it may be a good opportunity once my mom stops working.

As a previous poster mentioned, the commercials showing the older couple living out their retirement years on the golf course or in an active community is not realistic for most. By the time many couples reach retirement age, their health is failing or one of them has already passed away. While we all hope our parents could be one of those couples on the Carnival Cruise Line commercials, it's more realistic to believe you are going to have to hire a home nurse or find a retirement community that provides medical care.
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Old 03-03-2010, 03:01 PM
 
Location: here
24,476 posts, read 28,773,973 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by formercalifornian View Post
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
very true. Although I am glad we moved away, I am a little envious of the people who stayed. Their kids go to the same schools they went to, etc. Kind of like a big family, or something. But when people hear that I moved, they are almost always envious that we had the guts to do it.
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Old 03-03-2010, 09:00 PM
 
395 posts, read 1,318,541 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by formercalifornian View Post
I get it. My parents also live in a region that would provide limited employment opportunities for my family. Do you worry about how your going to handle the separation as they succumb to aging? What are you going to do?
I have thought about it. Not so much in terms of what I am going to do, but rather what they are going to do. It is a question that I know that I should ask my mom. She and Dad are already elderly. Dad has slowed down considerably, according to Mom. Her health is not good either.

My own husband of twenty years is disabled with degenerative disk disease and severe edema in his legs. My thirteen year old daughter is profoundly autistic and was recently diagnosed with moderate to profound mental retardation. She is very low functioning and will likely need assistance for the rest of her life.

Quite simply, if my parents decide that they need my help they will have to move here.
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Old 03-03-2010, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
1,820 posts, read 3,902,322 times
Reputation: 1896
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazymomof3 View Post
Same here...being close to family and friends won out over mountains and landscapes. We missed home too much, and knowing that we can help out our friends and family and help out my folks when they need it was more important to us.

We can always visit places and take vacations, but nothing beats being home. We're living in my husband's hometown, and just 10 mins. from where I grew up. Funny, too, that many many folks that we grew up with are doing the same thing.
This is exactly why I wish we could move home... Knowing that you can help out your family when they need you and vice-versa also!
I have a cousin who is constantly telling me how "lucky I am to be living away from all the family obligations" and I tell her that I would give anything to be able to be at every thing! We do make it home often, we try very hard to be there for the special occasions, however,as our children get older and more involved in activities, we know that will not be as easy as it is right now...
I cant' stand it when adults tell me they wish they lived away from their family. I understand as a young kid out of college ,wanting to expand their horizons,see different places,meet different people,etc... I also understand one must go where the jobs are (which is why we don't live "home")... but it isn't as wonderful as people would think...

We moved away prior to having our children for my husband's job ,yes,it was very,very difficult to move away from everyone, but I was working ,had a social life after meeting people in our new area, it really didn't bother me too much... however,now,being a stay at home parent with 2 children, it is much,much more difficult on me.
I want my children to grow up having their grandparents be able to attend their special functions at school, grandparents day at preschool,etc...
I want them to know my close friends and their children ,their cousins.
I also would love to have that help when needed, we have relocated several times and therefore I never have had a real support system, it is always me with our children, my husband travels ALOT for his job...
I can sometimes go for weeks without any other adult interaction besides the small talk that goes on at pick-up from school...
I know that if we lived home that I wouldn't have someone around constantly, but I know that there would be a support system.
My cousin seems to think that her husband working the evening shift at work is the same thing because he isn't around... she has her family 25 minutes away from her though, if there was an emergency, she has several people to call.... god forbid there is an emergency here when my husband is away.. I really don't have anyone to call.
SO-for me, if my husband could find a job "home", we would move back there in a heartbeat... for me,family & friends trump everything else!
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Old 04-03-2010, 08:30 PM
 
623 posts, read 1,390,589 times
Reputation: 712
We are currently moving from my wifes entire family and the only place we have known. We are moving 600 miles away. We are scared to death but are excited to go out on our own and raise our family in what we believe is a more suitable climate. Besides, most of her family is retiring in the next 5 years and are high tailing it to Florida. They can come visit us anytime they want is the way we feel. We are not going to be left in the freezing cold all winter while they enjoy the sun.

I feel you must do what is right for you and your spouse and kids. Family is important and we are sure there will be times when we wish we didn't move but life is too short to not try something because someone might get mad, or have their feelings hurt. I don't recall my parents stating I had to stay within a 1 hour radius until they died. I have this whole country to choose from. My parents chose where I have been, I will choose where I am going.
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Old 04-03-2010, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Middle America
35,822 posts, read 39,431,510 times
Reputation: 48626
My SO and I were both raised in very tightly knit families and grew up with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins as neighbors. Now we live 500 miles from anybody in my family, and over a thousand miles from anyone in his family. We have purchased a home and intend to make this area our home for the long term, but that means that when/if we raise kids, we won't raise them with a big, tightly knit family around them, seeing grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins often, as both of us experienced in our respective upbringings. This is a hard reality. But the truth is that, #1, neither of our hometown areas is a great place to be, jobwise (he's from an eastern rust belt city with a dying economy, I'm from a rural agricultural region and we don't farm), and #2, this is our home that we've made together. But it's hard to know that you're willingly sacrificing those relationships. I'm sure that any future kids we have will have ample opportunity to form relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but they'll be different relationships, the "visiting relatives" relationships, not the "I see you every day" relationships we were both raised with and enjoyed.
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