Moving away from family?? (custody, single parent, 7 year old, travel)

[zogg]

I have been looking everywhere for others in this same predicament! I moved to Denver after college, met my hubbie, and ended up moving back ,here, to KC in 2000 when the economy was so bad. My parents and a lot of my friends live here and it is a wonderful place to raise kids. The neighborhoods are affordable and very charming with loads of character. You can get a really old 3 story house w/ lots of nooks and crannies for a very good price. Neighbors take care of you, and it has a very strong sense of community. My husband has never really felt like he could stay here....he doesn't have the connection like I do. I still have friends from the 1st grade! I too, have had a very strong calling to be back near outdoor recreation (hiking, biking, mountains, coast etc...) but life just keeps getting away. We have 3 kids (10,7 & 2) and unless we make a conscience effort to go....we'll never go. I just turned 40, and the "calling" is stronger than ever!! I think I have really soul searched on this b'day, and think "life is short" "go for it" and just move to Oregon. I just love it there! I want the outdoor quality of life for me and my kids. Skiing in the winter, coast in summer and all the outdoor rec you can think of. We almost moved 5 yrs ago....but got cold feet. And now I think now or never! My oldest is up for it, but I worry so much about their transition (or am I more worried about me?).
I'm not sure what my questions are....maybe just need a boost of encouragement, and advice on how to help the kids transition.
as for my parents....they have a very tight relationship w/ my kids, and the thought kills me!! My mom watches my youngest everyday. They have said they would follow eventually but my dad still works (even at 75!) I'm afraid they won't make it out
ANY ADVICE is welcome.....be prepared for me venting more about this!!
Zogg

[joe moving]

zogg we are the same way. except we are 30 and only on our first kid (on the way) and it just seems so hard to JUST DO IT. our families, 3 of them are within 3 miles of us. 2 more another 30 miles away. after you get past this the hardest part for us is just figuring out how to do it. the logistics seem like so much work. getting the house into selling or renting condition, renting, moving, finding a place to rent or buy for yourself, etc. Not to mention a JOB. i figure if we hate it wherever we go, we can always come back. but if we never try, then you may be seriously missing out.

[NewJW]

I can understand where you are coming from alot. I lived in WV for the first 36 years of my life. My family (husband and two sons) moved to Georgia for a promotion my husband received in his company back in 2006. I was very torn intially when we discussed it due to family, friends, the whole support system which is very important especially with children. But, I had always longed to move somewhere else too. I was staying at home with my children at that time as they were 18 months and 5 years of age. My husband had really desired this certain position and it was available in another state. I decided to look at the pros and cons of everything and the awesome opportunity to move to a another great state. Both of our parents were supportive and did not speak negative of our decision only that they would miss us but it would give them a new place to visit. I think they realized the opportunity was great for us. I couldn't resist and we moved. Everything went so smoothly with the transiton selling our home in WV and purchasing a brand new one there in Georgia. However, it was not easy at first to adjust to a new place. One good piece of advice we received from my husband's co workers who had moved around was to move into a newer neighborhood wherevever you move too. There tends to be more transplants from other places and sometimes it is easier to make friends that way. Some of the more seasoned neighborhoods tend to be more close knit and it may be harder to makes friends. This advice was great. So glad we did and we met so many wonderful neighbors from all over and it was just easier to establish friendships and support systems there. I can not stress how important it is to have people you trust and can be a support to you and you in turn be able to be that for them as well when you move to an area that is new to you and if you don't have any family or friends there. You will miss having grandparents and friends/extended family around when you move and you will probably get homesick as well, but that is just a part of it. Holidays may be difficult at first (if you are unable to travel back and forth alot.) You can gain so much too. New experiences and exposure to other parts of the country and new people is great. Your children will need time to adjust to new school and friends and home. You'd be suprised how much a move can affect them. Some good and some negative can be expected. They will miss home too. But, they are resilant. Just make sure they feel secure and they will be okay. There may be some small bumps in the road but you can work through them. It will teach them alot. Which is a good things. I can honestly say I am so glad we made the move. It was hard at first but I began embracing my new life and all the things it had to offer. It turned out really good. My family has just recently moved to another state due to another position my husband has taken in the company he works for and I can honestly say that our time in Georgia was awesome. We are still in transition again which has been a little harder this time. I think making a major move like this in a short amount of time has contributed to it. My family had so many wonderful opportunities though that we would have never experienced in WV and it gives the extended family and grandparents somewhere new to visit as well. I think that it will be what you make of it. Make sure you really like the area you plan to move to and do plenty of research on everything. Just know that it will be pros and cons to both choices and see what your family is willing to do. Another tidbit, would be if you move seek out plenty of activities for your family and kids to particiate in and that will also enable you to meet other families. Mommy and Me classes, kindermusik, story hours, sports leagues all that will keep you busy and help keep your mind off being homesick too. Mom's groups/play groups. That helped me a whole lot. I met lots of other moms in my same position and made friends that way as well. I wish you luck on your decision. I hope this helps a little.

[UpNorth]

I uprooted my family last summer.

We are SO happy now! Here's my story in a nutshell. I grew up in CA, but moved to Alaska (on a whim at the age of 20.) I thought I would only be there for a couple of years while I finished my degree... nope I was wrong. I met my hubbie (he's from AK) and nine years later we had 3 kids, lived within an hour's drive of his entire family and we both had great careers blossoming (as a teacher and as a tech/IT worker at the university). But I HATED living in Alaska. I wanted out. I dreamt about moving every winter... I literally spent years on the city-data forum searching for answers to all of my relocation questions.

It never made sense to move out of Alaksa - we had great jobs, we were surrounded by great friends and family.

But I finally said that we HAVE to move. I needed sun. I could handle the cold, but not the long gloomy winters of Alaska. My husband and I made the bold move to Oregon last summer and we've NEVER regretted it.

We moved to Bend, OR. I'm SO much happier now. I love the sun. I love that we can get in the car and drive to family and friends in CA. I love that we can drive to Portland if we need a "big city" fix. I LOVE that we can drive to OR coast. I love that great skiing is 30 minutes away, along with camping, fishing, rock climbing and everything outdoorsy! Bend is an amazing town for families - great schools, great library, quaint downtown with local shops, plus it has plenty of the big-name stores if I ever need those. It's perfect for me.

My point is, now that I'm happier with where I'm living, my life feels complete. I really researched WHERE I wanted to be and live. And when I discovered that place for me, I did everything I could to make that happen. We moved here knowing no one! That felt weird, but it all worked out.

My oldest son started 2nd grade this year and he's doing fine. The move didn't bother him at all. Perhaps this is just my unique situation, but because we now live in a sunnier warmer place, my family is SO much happier (because we're spending SO much more time outside together - on bike rides, picnics, camping, you name it).

My advice - do your research, find you spot, follow your dreams. You don't want to look back on life and think, "Oh man, I wish I would have just done it."

It's never too late for a fun fresh start!

[zogg]

OMG UpNorth! Your life seems so parallel to mine! I too have had the "calling" to be in Bend for a long time....but just couldn't find the right time to go! (always another child on the way...and needing insurance or my parents help) Now that I just turned 40...I've been really soul searching and really need to be near the outdoor stuff! I had a talk to my mom about it, and she claims she would follow! I can't imagine them out of the kids lives!! I told her i felt the only reason we stay in KC is because of them...and that I'm not living my "true" life! The mountains are my "church" since I'm not really that religious...but more spiritual...so I need them! (ok...I know I'm getting a bit corny here) but really...some of us have such a dilemma in this area. Stay where the family is rooted? Or move to where you will be most happy!
I KNOW I will regret not doing it !!

[therewego]

Originally Posted by zogg

OMG UpNorth! Your life seems so parallel to mine! I too have had the "calling" to be in Bend for a long time....but just couldn't find the right time to go! (always another child on the way...and needing insurance or my parents help) Now that I just turned 40...I've been really soul searching and really need to be near the outdoor stuff! I had a talk to my mom about it, and she claims she would follow! I can't imagine them out of the kids lives!! I told her i felt the only reason we stay in KC is because of them...and that I'm not living my "true" life! The mountains are my "church" since I'm not really that religious...but more spiritual...so I need them! (ok...I know I'm getting a bit corny here) but really...some of us have such a dilemma in this area. Stay where the family is rooted? Or move to where you will be most happy!
I KNOW I will regret not doing it !!

We have never lived near family but do know (from seeing others) that raising kids around family is a lot easier. That said, they are at great ages to move. We moved from sun to snow last year due to a job reloc and have been fine. It was quite an adjustment for us with logistics-clothes, car, etc. but it has been a new experience and kids are resilient. I always say, where we are that is home no matter what. More power to you, and if your mother moves, BONUS! Hope it works out.

[scanz]

Well, to quote a cliche: nothing worth doing is ever easy! I am in a similar situation. I am from Boston and so is my wife. We have virtually all our family close by. Though we don't see my side much, we see my wife's family on a weekly basis. On some levels, it's great to have that support to lean on in a pinch with doctor's appointments and babysitting, and I admit my in-laws are good company. That said, they they are also in our business alot. My wife and I lived far away from family in the past and there was alot of drama when we moved. We moved back in 2006. Now we have two kids, and are likely moving before the end of the year, maybe even across the country. We are expecting big time drama from her parents and grandparents.

For all the talk about Boston being worldly and such, I find that most people in the area are homebodies who think that driving an hour is too far. They are critical but have never left the state.

My wife is really worried about my 4-yr-old son because he has a great relationship with his cousins and grandparents. I keep telling her that he will adjust, but she tends to worry about him.

I think it is actually going to be harder dealing with the adults than with my son. My dad doesn't think I should move because he believes once you have kids you put your life on hold and keep them close to comfort and family. I believe that if you don't live your life and are miserable, you won't be a good example for your kids. There are tradeoffs at the end of the day.

All being said, we're still moving and stubborn or not, I refuse to let extended family dictate how we live our lives. We have to do what's best for our nuclear family.

[nana053]

I am the grandma who moved with my dil and ds to stay near the grandchildren, so I will give you my perspective on this. You should definitely move *if* you feel that your family will be happier as a whole, but...

I grew up in a small town with a large extended family. I have happy memories of my younger childhood as it was pretty much free range and I spent a lot of time outdoors with friends, but had my cousins as a pack to roam with. We lived in my grandmother's house until I was 8 and my sis was 5. We loved her dearly. My aunt who was still in hs lived with us. When we built our house on the land next door, we were still right there and could go bake cookies with nana and spend lots of time with her. When she retired, she moved about an hour away and we still had Friday dinners with her in the next town over. My cousins also came to that dinner. So we had a once a week time with nana and my aunt, uncle and cousins. This stayed the same until we were all in high school. I went pretty far away for college and never really wanted to go back to that small town to live since I really liked city life better. I married and we moved several times before we had kids. Once we had our children, we settled in *our town* which I still consider my real home. I actually don't like were I am living now except that my grandchildren are here and I love them. There are some advantages to this area in terms of COL and stuff, but I miss my own support system. My dh grew up in a little larger town and had his brothers, but most of his cousins were an hour or so away. They enjoyed each other when they did get together, but were not as close as my family was.

I brought up my own children with no grandparents or family nearby. My own parents died young and my dh's parents retired to Florida and never traveled once to see us (which hurt). We did visit them, but not every year as we just did not have the time off or the money back then. And when we did visit, they being much older, did not have much patience with my kids and didn't really develop a relationship with them. My sister was also far away, but my kids loved her kids when we did manage to get together. I do wish we had lived closer to them, but NOT necessarily in the same town.

My dil misses her family a lot. She and ds moved for his job. She lost her entire support system except for me and my dh and with two children 20 months apart and her younger one being autistic, she had a difficult time adjusting. Frankly, I do not think they could have moved here without us as ds travels so much for his job that she would have been overwhelmed just trying to get my grandson to his therapies.
Now that we have been here for a few years, she has made good friends and has a much better support system going. That is one of the things I love about our neighborhood. There are lots of kids and lots of SAHMs so she now has people to go out with and hang out with. Unfortunately, since I am not working and am older, I find it harder to make friends. Also, the heat here is unbearable and I am an outdoor walker. Very few people here walk outside and there is no public transportation, so I am stuck.

Originally Posted by the3Ds

As a previous poster mentioned, the commercials showing the older couple living out their retirement years on the golf course or in an active community is not realistic for most. By the time many couples reach retirement age, their health is failing or one of them has already passed away. While we all hope our parents could be one of those couples on the Carnival Cruise Line commercials, it's more realistic to believe you are going to have to hire a home nurse or find a retirement community that provides medical care.

I wanted to comment on this though. Almost every older person I know is active and healthy at least at the beginning of retirement. I am 65 years young and work out regularly. I don't see any reason why my health *has* to fail until I am much older. Also, we have trusts in place and living wills. I don't intend to burden my children with caring for me.

Dorothy

[DevastatedInNYC]

Im 26 years old, my boyfriend and practically husband now has a 7 year old daughter. He did not have a child when we met, and eventually admitted to sleeping with his ex when we first starting dating. She got pregnant and kept the kid. I had trouble throughout the years trying to be a good "whatever" to her and felt the interaction was phony. Eventually I grew to love her even though at times I struggled still to accept her. After 7 long years of loving her, being there for her, buying her clothes, waiting on her every need when she comes over, her mother has now decided to move to California to be with her female lover. She told my boyfriend maybe 2 1/2 weeks ago and is leaving June 23rd. I've been devastated and crying the last 2 weeks wondering how she could do this when her whole family lives in NY and NJ. I am inconsolable. I know I will never see her again and we will all grow apart and after working so hard to love her, I can't believe this. I don't understand how anyone could move there children away so far from there families, the people they love, the people who have been there since Day 1. He pays child support, sees his daughter 2x a week and she comes over every other weekend. Now that's all over. I feel my boyfriend and my own family is looking at me with 2 heads at how emotional I am over this. I guess they don't understand I really treated her like she was my own so I feel as if my child is being taken from me. I don't understand why a mother wouldn't want her daughter to have a good relationship with a good father. I don't understand any of it. I hate this. My boyfriend is so upset he is taking the jerk way out and saying, screw em we will have our own children. I can't do that after I've sacraficed everything I am to accept that girl and now she's moving a million miles away. If you are reading this please think and then rethink more if its a good idea to move your child away from there family. I can tell you from experience its not.

[Irish Eyes]

Why is your boyfriend letting her do this? Get a lawyer.