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I remarried a couple of years ago. I have a 12 & 9 year old from my previous marriage & now our 2 month old daughter. Our new baby is my MIL's 1st grandbaby. I realize she is excited & that she loves her, but her visit this weekend made me want to shoot myself & forced me to tell my husband that we are NEVER having another baby simply because I cannot stand the way his mother is acting. THIS was my weekend........
I knew she would take pictures,but she snapped away at ALL of us-looking or not, without notice. She took some of me straight out of bed without a bra & then put them in a damn slide show for family!She took an ENTIRE roll of film of the baby in her car seat.
She ASKED if we could take DD on a walk,then complained she was too hot because I over dressed her. I turned around & she was dragging the stroller by the front cupholders- I ask her what she was doing and she replied "blocking the sun, it was in her eyes since you made us walk in this direction-poor thing".My daughter has seen the sun before- and she lived.
When we went somewhere-my daughter was perfectly content but my MIL felt the need to shake 3 (yes 3) rattles- including one hanging from her mouth- in my baby's face until she started crying.Then when baby got scared & cried she shook them harder. I gently said "Sometimes we just have to let her cry a bit in the car" and she told my daughter "why would mommy want to make you cry?" My husband later told me he was going to cut the damn rattles out of every toy we had =).
It was NOTHING but baby talk for 3 days & noise just for the sake of making noise. Even when baby was happy she would make a clicking noise for half an hour at a time.
She constantly told my DD at a volume I could hear "Mommy needs to give your cereal or you are going to get scrawny, I gave your daddy cereal at 2 weeks". I interupted & nicely told her that yes people give babies cereal but that does not mean she NEEDS any. She is doing great- it it's not broke why fix it. My normally content daughter screamed when she held her & she would tell me "she could handle it & that something just was'nt right with her-wait till MiMi takes you away to my house".
Even at resturaunts she would hover over our sleeping child, talk loudly & even poke her so she would wake up.The morning she left baby was still sound asleep she coughed loud fake coughs until the baby flinched & the she said "she's awake" & grabbed her!! Also I got 1000 "dear, your doing it wrongs"
How the hell do I deal with this???Is she trying to make me hate her? My husband apolgized profusely after she left. I want to love her for him-but the thought of her visiting again makes me sick.If there is anything I am confident with- it is my parenting skills. I have raised more babies than she has & she would not do this to others- why to me?
I am trying to keep in mind that I will be a MIL someday, but at the same time this all makes my skin crawl.
Most of this can be pretty easy to handle.
Picture taking - Be proactive! Take tons of pictures now that she has left and send them to her and also have plenty ready to hand to her when she next visits. She won't feel the need to take so many when she already has more than enough. I would guess that either she didn't have any before her visit, she thought she didn't have enough or she promised to take tons to share with others. So beat her to it. Also, take some candid shots of her too next time. :-)
When she comments about being over/underdressed, tell her very firmly and confidently that you have gotten to know your daughter's cues very well and will know when she gets hot/cold and will make adjustments if necessary. (especially if she lives in a different climate that you do) Tell her thanks for being concerned for her, you really do have it covered.
You can also have a blanket to drape down over the top of the stroller to block out direct sunlight if necessary. (unless your stroller has handles that can be reversed for such a thing) Just plan for it and be prepared to take care of it before she comments now that you know it's something she will zero in on.
And, yeah, hide the rattles so that can't happen. haha
If she brings up anything regarding things like feeding, sleeping, diapering or safety issues that she feels you are doing wrong, firmly and confidently educate her on the new findings the pediatricians have for today's babies.
-Sure she may have fed her son cereal at 2 months as that was what was recommended, but did she know that they now know babies' tummies aren't really capable of digesting cereal all that easy at that age? You are following doctor's orders.
-Sure she may not like that the baby is 'stuck' in a car seat since that wasn't the case with her son, but does she know how many babies have been saved because they are secured safely? Show her how tight the car seat is secured in the car and how well the 5 point harness secures her within the seat. Also, does she realize how many more cars are on the road than were there 20-30 years ago?
I know parents who do all kinds of things to wake their babies, so that's not that big a deal to me. I would either plan around it or find something to fully occupy your MIL's time so that she doesn't have time to bother the baby awake if it's really a battle you want to take on.
Generally, it's not a matter of how many babies have been raised or by whom, but a matter of how things were done for her generation and how they are done today. Of course she is going to think her way is better. Just like you will think your way is better in 20-30 years when all these same things change again for your grandbabies. It's a know better do better attitude that can help ease those situations.
Otherwise I'd have to think I parented my 28 yr old in 'wrong' ways since parenting philosophies had changed drastically between then and 20 years later when I had my last child. I am just as confident in my parenting skills with the last one as I was with my first one, I just realize that things change over the years.
Most importantly, if you are confident in your parenting and feel strongly about certain things, don't hesitate to make it clearly known. Your MIL may be angry or hurt at first, but in the end she will likely respect that you are standing by your choices.
I remarried a couple of years ago. I have a 12 & 9 year old from my previous marriage & now our 2 month old daughter. Our new baby is my MIL's 1st grandbaby. I realize she is excited & that she loves her, but her visit this weekend made me want to shoot myself & forced me to tell my husband that we are NEVER having another baby simply because I cannot stand the way his mother is acting. THIS was my weekend........
I knew she would take pictures,but she snapped away at ALL of us-looking or not, without notice. She took some of me straight out of bed without a bra & then put them in a damn slide show for family!She took an ENTIRE roll of film of the baby in her car seat.
She ASKED if we could take DD on a walk,then complained she was too hot because I over dressed her. I turned around & she was dragging the stroller by the front cupholders- I ask her what she was doing and she replied "blocking the sun, it was in her eyes since you made us walk in this direction-poor thing".My daughter has seen the sun before- and she lived.
When we went somewhere-my daughter was perfectly content but my MIL felt the need to shake 3 (yes 3) rattles- including one hanging from her mouth- in my baby's face until she started crying.Then when baby got scared & cried she shook them harder. I gently said "Sometimes we just have to let her cry a bit in the car" and she told my daughter "why would mommy want to make you cry?" My husband later told me he was going to cut the damn rattles out of every toy we had =).
It was NOTHING but baby talk for 3 days & noise just for the sake of making noise. Even when baby was happy she would make a clicking noise for half an hour at a time.
She constantly told my DD at a volume I could hear "Mommy needs to give your cereal or you are going to get scrawny, I gave your daddy cereal at 2 weeks". I interupted & nicely told her that yes people give babies cereal but that does not mean she NEEDS any. She is doing great- it it's not broke why fix it. My normally content daughter screamed when she held her & she would tell me "she could handle it & that something just was'nt right with her-wait till MiMi takes you away to my house".
Even at resturaunts she would hover over our sleeping child, talk loudly & even poke her so she would wake up.The morning she left baby was still sound asleep she coughed loud fake coughs until the baby flinched & the she said "she's awake" & grabbed her!! Also I got 1000 "dear, your doing it wrongs"
How the hell do I deal with this???Is she trying to make me hate her? My husband apolgized profusely after she left. I want to love her for him-but the thought of her visiting again makes me sick.If there is anything I am confident with- it is my parenting skills. I have raised more babies than she has & she would not do this to others- why to me?
I am trying to keep in mind that I will be a MIL someday, but at the same time this all makes my skin crawl.
OMG I felt like I was reading about MY MIL! She was the same kind of crazy when my first was born (A birth she invited herself to, and tried to be in the room for but I wound up with a c-section). It gets better! Believe me. Have another one soon, by the time you have the 2nd one it'll lose its excitement.
Good luck! I remember wanting to gouge my mother in laws eyes out when my oldest was a baby! My baby used my finger to suck instead of a binky and she went on and on that I was going to give him herpes (NO, I don't have herpes)!
I had to laugh. We called my MIL "Mrs. Click" because she was always snapping that camera.
A few thoughts:
1) thank God she lives 5 hours away;
2) when she does things to disturb/awaken the baby, say "please stop, the baby is <sleeping, calm, whatever> and that will disturb her" - and enforce it if she keeps at it. Just call the shot in a respectful way (even though you probably want to scream and smack her);
3) confiscate all noise-making devices, such as rattles when she visits; issue them to her/the baby on an as-tolerable basis depending upon your tolerance level at the moment;
4) have some xanax or valium on hand; take them yourself or slip them to your MIL if necessary (ok, KIDDING!);
5) ask her to please not publish pictures of you without your permission or at least not if they don't meet your criteria, e.g., no photos of just waking up, partially dressed, whatever your criteria is, and tell her why you feel that way. It's totally reasonable;
6) do you have an Ipod or MP3 player with sound-isolating earbuds?
7) get a doorknob sign that says "do not disturb" and lock yourself in your bedroom for awhile when you can't take it any more;
8) limit visits to 2 days and "have plans" if the visits are too frequent;
9) most importantly, just ignore her little digs. She's obviously insecure and feels the need to validate her mothering skills. Just ignore the comments; they're about HER, not you (and see #6, above).
Hopefully, she will calm down once she gets used to the initial joy of being a grandma. Good luck!
The baby talk alone would have driven me over the edge. I can't stand to hear it and refused to do it with my kids. My MIL loves to make silly goo goo gaa gibberish stuff...both of my neices live with her and both of them have speech probs. I know part of theirs is also genetic BUT I am sure it didn't contribute to helping the matter when no one ever spoke NORMALLY.
It may not help you now but when we went thru lamaze class they had a class for GRANDPARENTS and a hospital tour to get the older generation UP TO DATE on the new methods/thinking --like the food thing! I have a ton of relatives on DH's side that love to feed early and ANYTHING is fair game. They were feeding 3 month old cousins Thanksgiving dinner last year. I just bit my tongue. BUT that is what is NORMAL for them.
My MIL thinks all babies need to be wrapped up tight with 3-4 layers...cause they get cold y'know! UM yeah and that is what contributes to SIDS! I went to bed 1 night when DS was about 2 wks old and she put him to bed--I went in to feed him and he was so hot. He had slept for a very LONG time without feedings so I went in to check on him thinking something was wrong.
[quote=hypocore;15959801]Most of this can be pretty easy to handle.
Picture taking - Be proactive! Take tons of pictures now that she has left and send them to her and also have plenty ready to hand to her when she next visits. She won't feel the need to take so many when she already has more than enough. I would guess that either she didn't have any before her visit, she thought she didn't have enough or she promised to take tons to share with others. So beat her to it. Also, take some candid shots of her too next time. :-)"
I send her a picture of my daughter EVERY SINGLE MORNING that she is not here so that she can see her & her outfits. I have been doing this for 2 months to avoid the photo fiasco when she visits- it did NOT work.
But thank you!
I know this was frustrating and aggravating for you, but try to remember, this is her first grandchild and she can't help but act like a fool apparently
Have your husband talk to her and remind her that this is not YOUR first baby and you're very comfortable that how to take care of her. Then have him lay a few ground rules for future visits. It will go a lot better if this all comes from him and not you.
IMO none of the above suggestons will work because MIL doesn't want them to work. she's taking over and polite suggestions aren't going to stop her, they may just add fuel to the fire.
I had an overbearing MIL, too. We never found a "soution" except when we moved away!
When we did live in the same town, her attitude prevented us from having much of a relationship with her. I looked for ways to exclude her, rather than encourage a relationship. I know, that sounds sad, but I got sick and tired of every visit I was spitting nails afterwards.
She really spoiled my son. For example, she taught him the "uh oh" game. He was at the age all kids like to experiment with gravity, ie, throw things. The only real way out of that phase is time, meanwhile, you just work around it, don't give them breakables, don't give them too many items at once.
DS went through a phase where he liked to throw his food, especially his sippy cup. we handled that by every time he threw it, we'd just not overreact, one of us calmly pick it up and put it away and say, oh, I guess you don't want this right now. We were almost breaking him of the throwing stuff, when MIL came to visit.
She actually encouraged ds to throw stuff. Every time he'd throw his sippy cup, she'd grin, coo over him, pick up the cup and say uh oh and hand it back to him. Well, anyone with half a brain could see where that one was going! He kept throwing his cup, she kept retrieving it, etc, then he started throwing other stuff and say uh oh! He'd been prompted to make a game out of the very behavior we were trying to correct.
He kept that uh oh game up for months, it drove us crazy! Long after Grandma had left, he'd throw stuff, say uh oh, then get angry and scream when we didn't play the game.
Oh, well, they tell you childhood is a series of stages, this and that is a stage. I found MIL go through stages, too, its all how you raise them---the MIL, I meant~!
You just have to come up with strategies to contend with whatever unacceptable behaviors she exhibits at the time.Keep in mind its your child, and your home!
She was so nice & considerate before this baby came that we were always talking about how great it would be when she visited so we could leave the baby with her & enjoy some alone time. Now we both agree it will be YEARS before we even leave her in the room alone with the kid.
I sympathize. My MIL has some of these traits too! It does get better as the kid gets older. Either the mom relaxes or there is less to worry about, or a little of both.
While visiting my sister and her new baby this summer my mom and I were taking photos. My sister simply said "I think she's been flashed enough" and we stopped. I can take a hint! maybe your MIL can't! good luck!
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