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Old 09-22-2010, 05:06 PM
 
48 posts, read 54,488 times
Reputation: 90
Wow, what a tough decision. I, the wife, actually the one who wanted to stop at one and it did cause stress in our marriage for a long time. I don't think either the OP or his wife is right or wrong but someone is going to have to let the other get his/her way and be a big enough person not to resent it forever and ever. If the marriage is shaky still, a new child might not be a good idea in any case.
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Old 09-22-2010, 05:38 PM
 
371 posts, read 742,862 times
Reputation: 209
My husband and I are going thru the same thing. I'm 39y, would love to add a third, my husband- sure he's done. Although I wish it was one of those clear cut things, it's not. I respect the fact that a child must be brought in with the 'blessings' of both parents. It is a team endeavor to say the least. Unless we were going to try as a team, we just wouldn't do it. I have focused on my 2 children now and try very hard not to dwell on that third. I really think it is going thru something hormonal, perhaps, this great want for a third. Yes, I remember the first few months as being so hard. Again, desire and the reality of what it would bring is enuf...
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Old 09-22-2010, 06:38 PM
 
2,060 posts, read 2,750,172 times
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I was so done at 2 I had my tubes tied while they were still cleaning up the baby.

As an unwanted child myself I would have to say that you have to find out why exacty your wife wants this third child so badly, is it about getting older, wanting to feel needed again now that the youngest is becoming more independent or does she feel it would really add something to your family? Perhaps if she could identify exactly why she wants this third child, it could change things for either one of you. I don't think it's fair on your other children either if you allow this issue to drive their family apart.
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Old 09-22-2010, 06:46 PM
Status: "Keep Your Theology Off My Biology!" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
22,350 posts, read 14,079,677 times
Reputation: 27824
For many women, when a child turns 2 or 3, we realize they are beginning to be independent and maybe we are not as needed as we thought we were. Many women will complain about the hassles of infants and toddlers but deep down love the feelings of being so needed. Perhaps your wife is in that situation.

Maybe you could help her see her value in other ways than being a Mom. Of course being a Mom is very important but if she could see her value in addition to being a Mom she might begin to see her life in a different light.
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:07 PM
 
5,718 posts, read 4,349,634 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal View Post
Maybe. But I think that when a woman is deeply in love with both her husband and her children it is natural to want to have more children. Each child is a unique creation and a reflection of themselves and their love. Of course, YMMV.
It's still not a good enough reason to coerce your husband into having another kid when he doesn't want one. It's TOTALLY selfish of the wife to keep bitching about it.
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:11 PM
 
3,541 posts, read 4,434,704 times
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Another solution would be - having her eggs harvested and frozen, so any time over next decades (yes, decades) - if she wants a child, she could have her "freezies".

I am following a group of women who get pregnant at over 50, 52 - yes, they have little ones, regardless of the narrow-mindedness and judgement of other people. The only thing that they regret, is not harvesting own eggs in their 20s-30s. Yep, they have 30 yo kids, and 50-60yo husbands, and guess what, they have 2yo and 14 mo old, and they enjoy their life and their kids.
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:26 PM
 
39,957 posts, read 42,574,238 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala View Post
I am following a group of women who get pregnant at over 50, 52 - yes, they have little ones, regardless of the narrow-mindedness and judgement of other people.
OMG, just imagine that Duggar's woman harvesting her eggs!
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:30 PM
 
Location: here
16,515 posts, read 12,766,863 times
Reputation: 13087
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala View Post
Another solution would be - having her eggs harvested and frozen, so any time over next decades (yes, decades) - if she wants a child, she could have her "freezies".

I am following a group of women who get pregnant at over 50, 52 - yes, they have little ones, regardless of the narrow-mindedness and judgement of other people. The only thing that they regret, is not harvesting own eggs in their 20s-30s. Yep, they have 30 yo kids, and 50-60yo husbands, and guess what, they have 2yo and 14 mo old, and they enjoy their life and their kids.
and what? wait for her husband to die so she can do what she wants? Wanting another now doesn't mean she'll still want another 10 or 20 years from now.
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:31 PM
 
Location: here
16,515 posts, read 12,766,863 times
Reputation: 13087
Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagojlo View Post
I was so done at 2 I had my tubes tied while they were still cleaning up the baby.

As an unwanted child myself I would have to say that you have to find out why exacty your wife wants this third child so badly, is it about getting older, wanting to feel needed again now that the youngest is becoming more independent or does she feel it would really add something to your family? Perhaps if she could identify exactly why she wants this third child, it could change things for either one of you. I don't think it's fair on your other children either if you allow this issue to drive their family apart.
wish I'd done that.
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Old 09-22-2010, 11:14 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 31,940,465 times
Reputation: 21432
Quote:
Originally Posted by ben979 View Post
You know I suggested we go back to the counselor and most likely it'll help to some extent but you're probably right, it may never resolve. It seems like a no win. She'll resent me for not letting her go the 3rd and the if we have a 3rd, well that could be disastrous unless i can change my point of view and want it. But you know we've been going round on this for a good 18 months now and I don't even have an inkling of feeling like its a good idea
The baby wouldn't be disasterous. Your relationship might be for other reasons. You don't even know the 3rd baby yet - how can you be so sure you don't want him or her in your life?

Usually the 3rd child is easy. The first changes your life drastically, the second adds more change but by the time the third comes along, your life is already changed, you're already doing the children thing and the 3rd just kind of fits in and goes with the flow. They're less work since they have older siblings to hang out with.
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