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My mother on the other hand.. is still trying to "help" my sister who is 20. She left when she turned 18, climbed out the bedroom window and ran away to be with her friends. She has gone to two different colleges, moved home one time to move back out again when she came home drunk/druggie and was totally unapologetic, but now it seems her "friends" have gotten worse and worse. She started off with fairly high class friends from high school. Now they have all moved on, of course, to college, getting married...all the things you do when you are 20. She is living with whoever will allow her to sleep there a few days, working at Charlie's Chicken in our small town, and just staying 2 steps above being homeless. She has even had to spend the night at the local motel more than a few times, when she has the money.
My mother wants to buy her a car. "Give" it to her. But with my mother it is never just a gift. You hear about anything she ever did for you in detail for the next 15 years and are supposed to be OBLIGATED and RESPECTFUL and feel GRATITUDE. Well...yes. But none of these things can be bought or forced. She should have figured that out the first 2 kids. Once I moved out I decided I would rather go live in my CAR than move back in with Mama. I would send my kids to live with her (when they were small) so they have food and clothing and a place to sleep. I won't.
I have discouraged everything she wants to do, of course, I don't know anything... my 17 yr old went to live with her father so in Mama's eyes I am a failure too. Whatever. I have encouraged her to let Sister alone. Let my daughter alone to for that matter. Mama wants to "Help" my daughter too. My ex-husband doesn't believe in Proms, Senior Pictures, anything that costs money. She doesn't even have a Class Ring. Yes she is a Senior this year. She doesn't want MY HELP for anything, she really doesn't want Mama's help either but it is money and she wants that stuff. When Mama wants something back she will backtalk her and then the fight will be on. Oh Yeah, and it will all be my fault again.
Anyway, letting her hit bottom will probably be the best thing for her, as hard as it is for you to do.
My grandmother was the same way....held gifts over your head like a battleaxe.
My daughter, who just turned 21 last week, has went through a whole variety of phases. She has loved me, hated me, rejected me, needed me......etc. (sometimes all within one month.) I think it is best to pull back a bit and let them sort out who they are and what their own choice of priorities should be. It is part of them growing into adulthood.
The important thing for us during this time of their life is not to put ourselves in financial hardships beyond our ability, not to lose sleep over it, not to feel guilty and most of all..... be confident that in the end, the things we instilled within them when they were young will take over and lead them in the right direction.
Georgette, I wouldn`t be paying her bills. If she is old enough to move out on her own then she is old enough to pay her own bills. I would not cut out all contact but neither would I chase after her.
Call her once in awhile just to see how she is doing.
finster, you are HARSH and your SMUGNESS is not necessary.
You know, I've read all her lengthy posts on this issue, and I stand by my opinion on the matter.
This in particular sounds like a whiney and immature attitude, towards her daughter, to me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgette5010
All she is concerned with is her boyfriend and his family. His family thought it was such a great idea for her to live with them so let them support her and help her out. She only would call, text or come around us when he was at work and since he hasn't been working lately we don't hear from her.
Yet she expects her daughter to behave like an adult. I believe she is not unhappy that her daughter is falling on her face, as she has been hoping her daughter will come home throughout this entire process.
And there's a difference between being smug and being blunt.
This may sound harsh...but
I am done enabling my daughter, waiting for her to come home, thinking and worrying about her, paying her car insurance, calling or texting her, mentioning her to her brothers, making excuses for her, inviting her out.
It is obvious she doesn't care about her education, paying her bills, her brothers, her parents, her grandmother who was in the hospital for a month in very serious condition.
All she is concerned with is her boyfriend and his family. His family thought it was such a great idea for her to live with them so let them support her and help her out. She only would call, text or come around us when he was at work and since he hasn't been working lately we don't hear from her.
Apparently she has another tuition payment due, no money to pay her cell phone this month, no money for the car insurance and hasn't even purchased all the books for the classes she is taking so is talking about dropping classes.
Some things never change...
You're operating on spite and anger. And you are correct, some things never change.
You raised the child. It was your job to adequately prepare her for the world and for all practical purposes it looks like you failed.
You sound awfully smug that she is having difficulties. You should have taught her how to manage her life. Granted, teenagers will not always follow their parents teachings but it seems to me that you need to take a little good old responsibility for the monster you helped create, stop waiting for her to come home and act like the adult you (don't really) want your daughter to become.
I think I'm the only one whos going to back you up.
Its our responsibilty to teach our children how to prepare for the adult world and more and more parents are not doing that, sometimes teens will not listen but you have to try, you just cant give up on your own child because you did not teach them to prepare for real life.
I think I'm the only one whos going to back you up.
Its our responsibilty to teach our children how to prepare for the adult world and more and more parents are not doing that, sometimes teens will not listen but you have to try, you just cant give up on your own child because you did not teach them to prepare for real life.
Some children just don't get it, though.
Take my Mother and her sister, my aunt. They were raised in the exact same household, the same parents (both still married), fairly well off and yet they're COMPLETELY different people. My Mom is a wonderful mother, still married to my Father (30 years this November) and an all around great person.
My aunt on the other hand...convicted felon, drug trafficker, meth producer, raised one decent kid and one kid who just got arrested for trying to strangle his therapist to death.
I think you can try to raise kids to be as responsible as possible...but it doesn't always work out that way no matter how hard you try.
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) I think it is best to pull back a bit and let them sort out who they are and what their own choice of priorities should be. It is part of them growing into adulthood. 
