What's going on with my son? (parents, friends, kids, check)
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Oh, yeah! Punish! Punish! Punish! THAT'S the answer! Right!
A visit with the school psychologist is not a punishment. And if one of my kids hit someone in the face with a whiteboard you can bet they'd be punished. Also, I think that at the age of 11 I would be expecting that the school would respond with suspension, in or out of school.
And I'd also want to know the reasons, feelings behind it. But nothing they said would help them avoid being disciplined in some way (except for self defense...which doesn't seem to be the case here).
Although I do agree that no-tolerance policies are crap.
Remisc, have you gotten anything out of him yet? Or talked more about moving?
We're in the process of adopting two girls and the oldest (9) has been acting out lately as well. We're in the same boat, we're pretty sure what is causing it but she won't discuss. I'm going to be asking for recommended videos/etc in a separate posting.
But one thing we've found with the girls that really seems to help is telling them that we have some of the same feelings.
In this case, you might sit with your son and tell him about some of your fears and concerns with the move. Maybe finding a new church. Or if your wife will like it. Or if the kids will like the new neighborhood. You might talk about what's making you move: job change, downsizing, whatever.
Let him know that it's okay to have concerns, but it's all attitude that gets you through. He can choose to have a good one or a bad one.
A visit with the school psychologist is not a punishment. And if one of my kids hit someone in the face with a whiteboard you can bet they'd be punished. Also, I think that at the age of 11 I would be expecting that the school would respond with suspension, in or out of school.
And I'd also want to know the reasons, feelings behind it. But nothing they said would help them avoid being disciplined in some way (except for self defense...which doesn't seem to be the case here).
Although I do agree that no-tolerance policies are crap.
Oh, I agree. I'm not saying there shouldn't be consequences for bad behavior. However, no tollerance policies usually involve only punishment without really addressing the issue.
I think it's a rare school district that uses the expensive resources of school psychologists in conjunction with the districts' no tollerance policies for every child that hits another child. Most school districts would need to hire an additional school psychologist to handle the workload.
Instead, most no tollerance policies only punish, which can make matters worse for children if the district isn't also identifying the underlying cause and addressing it.
I agree that the name is probably made up, but the age and behaviour was necessary for others to give some input, there different reasons for acting out depending on the age.
The name's not made up, that is his real name, but I'm not really sure what the problem in that is - alot of people use their children's names on here. And, yes, age and behavior were necessary to make this thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jb03
Remisc, have you gotten anything out of him yet? Or talked more about moving?
He hasn't really opened up about anything yet. Generally, when he feels like he's ready to talk about something, he'll come to me and say he wants to. He hasn't really opened up about what happened at school, but he HAS discussed the move. However, when he talks about the move, he generally brings up the same few things over and over, so I can't really say we've broken any new ground.
He hasn't really opened up about what happened at school, but he HAS discussed the move. However, when he talks about the move, he generally brings up the same few things over and over, so I can't really say we've broken any new ground.
Maybe the things he brings up over and over are the problem? What am I missing here? Maybe there isn't any new ground to break. Is the problem right in front of your nose and you just aren't seeing it or maybe don't want to acknowledge it.
I'm thinking it's the move and the new neighborhood. He could be just downright scared about living there. Keep the lines of communication open. Maybe take him for a drive where you can talk one on one? I'd say expect tears because something is digging at his inner core for a formerly good kid to haul off and whack someone with a whiteboard.
Maybe take him for a drive where you can talk one on one?
This is an excellent idea. Boys do better with side-by-side interaction over face-to-face interaction. I suspect that's why men like going to the bar to watch sports with friends. No clue. But everytime my son was upset, I'd load him into the car to go for a ride. He ALWAYS talks in the car. It never fails.
As a matter of fact, we went for a ride last night! I came home around 9pm, took one look at him and something just told me he need to talk. I didn't ask questions. I simply said, "Hey, wanna go for a ride with me?" We drove down into the city to a park that overlooks the city with an amazing view. Throughout my life, this is where I have always taken anyone who is having problems----girlfriends, brothers, sisters, my own children.
Without even my asking anything, he started talking in the car. When we got to the lookout, we sat on a bench side by side looking at the city and just talked for hours. Some of the conversation was about things on his mind. Other conversation was just about things that interest him or me. We got home sometime after midnight. We had a really nice time.
To go along with what Hopes said: Don't quiz him about specifics. Just get the conversation going and let him talk. A few "innocent" questions on your part and you might find out what you need to know. Don't let him think he's being grilled. Just be prepared to listen.
I also find I get my best talk with my 13yo son in the car. Best time I learn what bothering him is on the way to school in the morning. Just wished the drive to school was longer. takes him some time to warn up and by the time he's talking we are almost at school or whereever we are going.
Great idea about going for a car ride, everybody. It gave me an idea - Saturday morning, which is the best time for both of us, we can take a car ride down one of the main roads in Detroit - so we can probably have a good talk, while he gets used to the city that he's going to call home, and one of the reasons he's worried about the move. I think, if he's just alone with me, he might be more comfortable discussing what's bothering him.
Once again, I can't give enough thanks to everyone who's posted on this thread!
I followed some suggestions on my thread, and took Trevor for a car ride to talk to him.
However, I took him down a main road near our new home, so we can talk while he gets used to the area. And, I simply asked him about the school situation, and I got a long tearful response.
In a nutshell, he told me that he's worried about one of his friends who's currently in the hospital. 2 more people that he knew and liked have moved away, and a girl he likes turned him down to go to a school dance. He told me all this with the moving on top has become too much for him.
Do you think I did the right thing? What are the appropriate steps I should follow now?
A member on here suggested I take him to therapy. I followed through with that, and his first session is next weekend. But, do you think that'll be enough, considering all that's happening?
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